Considering 2nd baby in failing marriage

[Maybebabymaybenot]

Name changed for this.

I know this will sound like an odd dilemma from the off but DH and I have a 2 year old daughter and had always planned to start trying for a 2nd child when she was around 1. We have put off however, because we have had relationship problems from daughter being around 6 months. Completely unrelated to her arrival, just to be clear. We now live seperately and get on better that way. Our daughter is thriving and has a close relationship with her Daddy.

I told him recently that I do regret that our daughter will not now have a sibling. I don't wish to offend any parents with 1 child families and realise this is a very sensitive issue but I grew up as an only child and was very lonely and do feel I missed out on valuable bonds and experiences. To this day I will admit to occasional pangs of envy when I see how close most of my friends are to their siblings and how much support they continue to provide each other although I know that is not always the case. I feel very sad to think that my daughter will not have a sibling.

The thing is, DH feels the same and has made it clear that he would be happy to try for a 2nd child despite our unusual (and let's face it, less than ideal) circumstances.

DP and I get on very well as parents and he is great with our daughter so I would have no hesitation in co-parenting with him again.

I dismissed the idea initially but I am starting to wonder if it is actually such a bad idea. I would very much like another baby and my personal view is that my daughter would benefit.

I will admit that a small part of me is worried about what other people would think and I am annoyed with myself for caring but as you can imagine, I would end up facing some tricky questions from tactless people!

Am I crazy to be considering this?

Given you're in your mid-30s I would go ahead. Even if you do split up, it doesn't sound like you are planning to make this official any time soon. You could easily be 40+ before you find a partner and then it would quite possibly be too late to have another child. If you definitely want another baby, this is the way I'd do it. Your relationship doesn't even sound bad, it's probably healthier than a lot of marriages where the couple live together!

My sons step mum’s parents (honest 😂) have lived like this forever. It’s worked fine. 3 kids they had in all. Different strokes n that

I did it. Also hated being an only child myself. My two children have an amazing bond and a wonderful father. No regrets here. I don't agree with those who are saying it is selfish as you are doing it for DC 1. Also, having any children is selfish since the world is overpopulated anyway! Most people have children because THEY want to for their own benefit.

I never understand people having a 2nd child so their existing child can have a sibling. Have another child if you want one but don’t assume your kids will get on or be less lonely with a sibling, by having a 2nd child you’re taking time, energy and money away from your existing child.

......by having a 2nd child you’re taking time, energy and money away from your existing child.

Maybe so, but the benefits far outweigh those negatives. The bond between my two sons is amazing - having a second child was the best thing we ever did because of how much joy and happiness they bring to each other.

I’m pretty sure that if asked, my oldest son would say he far prefers having a brother compared to the option of having had more energy and money spent on him as an only child.

A lot of people have a second child in order to provide a sibling and I think it’s a perfectly valid choice. Seeing a sibling relationship develop between young children is so wonderful and hopefully it sets them up with a special relationship for life.

Seems like this is about getting what you want OP, and not what your child wants - or what would be best for the new baby.

Seems like this is about getting what you want OP, and not what your child wants - or what would be best for the new baby.

But isn't having a baby almost always about getting what we want? We do it for ourselves! Not for the sake of the unborn child. And we don't ask a toddler's opinion about what would be best for them re: siblings.

Two parents who get on well, can financially and emotionally provide for them, and a stable (if unconventional) family unit. Why would this setup not be best for the baby?

So you're still together, but you live apart and you have no plans to move back in together but are considering having another baby together? Don't you think this whole situation might be a bit confusing for the child you already have? Presumably you'll want your DP to spend more time at yours to help when the baby is born...what if that results in the arguments starting up again? What if your existing child thinks that means he's moving back in? I'm also struggling to understand how the problems between you are so significant that you can't stand to live under the same roof but not so significant that the addition of a newborn won't put a strain on the relationship. I understand your desire to have a sibling for your DD but the whole situation sounds too complicated and too precarious to consider bringing a new baby into the mix to be honest.