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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Considering 2nd baby in failing marriage

83 replies

Maybebabymaybenot · 30/07/2019 00:45

Name changed for this.

I know this will sound like an odd dilemma from the off but DH and I have a 2 year old daughter and had always planned to start trying for a 2nd child when she was around 1. We have put off however, because we have had relationship problems from daughter being around 6 months. Completely unrelated to her arrival, just to be clear. We now live seperately and get on better that way. Our daughter is thriving and has a close relationship with her Daddy.

I told him recently that I do regret that our daughter will not now have a sibling. I don't wish to offend any parents with 1 child families and realise this is a very sensitive issue but I grew up as an only child and was very lonely and do feel I missed out on valuable bonds and experiences. To this day I will admit to occasional pangs of envy when I see how close most of my friends are to their siblings and how much support they continue to provide each other although I know that is not always the case. I feel very sad to think that my daughter will not have a sibling.

The thing is, DH feels the same and has made it clear that he would be happy to try for a 2nd child despite our unusual (and let's face it, less than ideal) circumstances.

DP and I get on very well as parents and he is great with our daughter so I would have no hesitation in co-parenting with him again.

I dismissed the idea initially but I am starting to wonder if it is actually such a bad idea. I would very much like another baby and my personal view is that my daughter would benefit.

I will admit that a small part of me is worried about what other people would think and I am annoyed with myself for caring but as you can imagine, I would end up facing some tricky questions from tactless people!

Am I crazy to be considering this?

OP posts:

QueenofmyPrinces · 30/07/2019 07:25

I have a friend who is in an awful marriage - her DH is vile to her and she’s often in tears at work over the latest thing he has said or done.

they have a 2 year old and are currently TTC number two because they don’t want their child to be an only child.

I am pretty sure that once baby number 2 has been conceived they will break up with both parties wanting it.

It is very important to them that their current child has a biological sibling as piped to just a half-sibling if either parent meets a new partner and has a child with them.

In some ways it’s very dysfunctional but on the other hand I can understand why biological siblings would be preferential.

From that angle YANBU - especially if you co-parent well and he’s a good dad.

I imagine bringing up two children alone, with one being a newborn, would be very difficult though so you just need to work out the practicalities of that (i.e how the DH will support you) and decide whether something you are prepared to do.

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2019 07:29

'Fgs, this is totally about your own needs and fuck all to do with the potential child.'

Quite

SuzieQQQ · 30/07/2019 07:40

Absolutely ridiculous. Wait. Find someone you actually want to be with. Do you think you’d be pleased to find out your mum and dad hated each other but wanted to give you a sibling so had sex so that could happen? Wtaf?!!

SandyY2K · 30/07/2019 07:43

If the two of you are on the same page, then go ahead.

It's really nobody else's business. It would be different if he was abusive or a useless dad.

RasberryRoyale · 30/07/2019 07:44

I also seem to remember a post very like this a few weeks back.

I have siblings. I wish more than anything I was an only child. Don’t pretend your reasoning is purely for the benefit of your existing child. She doesn’t care. She’s two. You are wanting a child for selfish reasons. I think it’s irresponsible to knowingly bring a child into a broken relationship.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/07/2019 07:49

I am not opposed to the idea. Things to consider are:

At what point would you expect the baby to start having significant contact with him including staying overnight?
How would your toddler cope with being made to go to dad if baby is staying with mum?
What happens if you or he starting the relationship?
What happens if the new relationship generates another child?
How will you manage financially if one of you loses your the job?
What if your second baby had additional needs? Or if you were somehow injured in the birth?

ittakes2 · 30/07/2019 07:49

You have painted a lovely picture of your ex...if you can afford it why not? I think you are worrying too much about other people's opinions. When your eldest is in nursery, everyone will assume both children were conceived when you were with your ex...no-one will ask you the year you split up!

Songes · 30/07/2019 07:51

How old are you? Don’t you want to meet someone else? I’d cut my losses in your shoes, move on and find another relationship in time. Another baby is just tying yourself further to a man you’re no longer in a relationship with.

AnotherEmma · 30/07/2019 07:51

YANBU
In your situation, I would.

MLMhun · 30/07/2019 07:54

YABU

Completely ridiculous idea.

minisoksmakehardwork · 30/07/2019 08:00

We shouldn't project our childhood onto our children. Just because you wish you had a sibling doesn't mean your daughter will.

How you feel is directly as a result of how you were raised. If you felt lonely it sounds like your parents didn't pay you much attention. A sibling doesn't change that. They could just as easily have diverted a significant chunk of attention to your sibling if you had one.

Personally I would sooner create a happy, loving home, filled with friends than try the sticking plaster of a second child to heal an emotional need that is yours, not your daughters. Because that's what this is about, not two children being 'full blood'.

Both you and your ex could easily have families with another person in the future. But you are still wrapped up in your childhood feelings of isolation to see this.

That's not to say your plan isn't unreasonable. Just that I'm not sure you are doing it for the best reasons.

Firefliess · 30/07/2019 08:03

I had a second in not entirely dissimilar circumstances. On the plus side DC2 is wonderful and I'd have been always a bit sad if I'd only had one. And these days she and DC1 get on well and it's nice for them both sharing both mum's house and dad's house.

On the minus side, we did split up when she was a baby. I was still young when I had her and did feel afterwards that it would have been easier to date and find someone else if I'd had only one child. Two wears you down and you can't just take them with your places like you can with one child, or arrange a sleepover if you fancy a night out. Also when younger DC1 and DC2 did not get on well and DC1 stated clearly that he'd have rather been an only. It's hard to give your eldest much one to one time as a single parent.

If you're young, and separate with one child you'll probably have another with someone else. However if you're mid 30s already, and really want a second this might be the best way to have one.

BalloonSlayer · 30/07/2019 08:09

If you get on well with your husband, are good co-parents and are willing to have sex with each other then your marriage sounds a lot less "failing" than many.

oogle1 · 30/07/2019 08:15

@WombOfOnesOwn Safer than a stepfather? What does that mean?

ChilliMum · 30/07/2019 08:17

Honestly while the situation is not what we all dream of I would do it if I was you. I am biased as I have a good relationship with my sibling and through him a lovely sil and nieces all of which my life is richer for. I understand the desire to have a child and to give them a sibling (maybe it is selfish but I know my dd asked repeatedly for a sibling as a toddler and loves her db more than anything) and I think if you don't at least give it a go you will always wonder what if...

I have seen posters on here reccomending sperm donation to women who are desperate for a child but haven't met the one. Surely this is the same thing.

I think if you are able, you can step back and view it like this with the added advantage that you both coparent well and your child will have a positive relationship with the father. However you need to seriously consider the emotional impact of resuming a sexual relationship, pregnancy and the possibility if feelings become involved you might negatively impact the relationship you have and in turn your dds happiness.

I think you need to have a full and frank discussion with your ex. Lay out your expectations and consider worse case scenarios and then make a decision based on this.

Orangeballon · 30/07/2019 08:19

So what happens when he meets another woman as he is bound to living a bachelor lifestyle?

user1480880826 · 30/07/2019 08:25

I agree with @GibbonLover. What happens if your ex-partner finds someone else and has children with them? It’s highly likely given that your ages. He suddenly won’t be able to provide as much support or money.

recrudescence · 30/07/2019 08:32

If it is what you want, then do it.

If you want to know what’s wrong with our society ...

LegionOfDoom · 30/07/2019 08:32

I think do it. If you're financial secure, and you think you can co-parent well, then go for it. Just be prepared to do it all alone if things don’t work out with your dh.

dottiedodah · 30/07/2019 08:33

I dont think this is a very good idea TBH!.I was an only child with lots of friends ,and although I would have liked a sibling it wasnt a huge issue.The problem is, you will have to have sex with your estranged hubby .And then if you have another child it will be almost inevitable that he would want to be involved ,stay with you /DC O/N and so on .Do you think you are secretly hoping to get back together ?.Most people would not want to sleep with their exes unless they harboured some hopes of a reconciliation!

Original poster

Maybebabymaybenot · 30/07/2019 08:37

Thank you all for your replies. I haven't posted about this before but will try to find the similar thread!

I really appreciate all of the different views and have given me lots of food for thought.

The only things I would like to clarify are that DH and I don't hate each other, we love each other very much and there is a possibility we may sort out our problems enough to move back in together but no guarantees. Essentially we get on better as a non-cohabiting couple. The possible baby would definitely not be an attempt at fixing things though, it wouldn't!

We are in our mid 30's and would both prefer another child together than with other people if possible.

As for the sex.... that won't be a problem as we are still a couple, just not living together and we haven't had any issues with that side of the relationship

I realise 'failing marriage' may have been slightly misleading as we are in no way at war etc. but I do consider the marriage to be failing as various issues make it very difficult for us to live together. When we lived together full time we were arguing a lot so decided it is healthier for our daughter and ourselves to have a bit of breathing space and we now don't have the arguments and I personally feel we are better parents as a result of being less stressed.

OP posts:

Kidworries · 30/07/2019 08:39

Yanbu. Wish my mum had done this. Ended up with 2 half soblijgs and they both had different dad's too. So we never saw each other as we're either at school and someone was always at their dads so we were never all together. We don't see each other now...

JuiceIt · 30/07/2019 08:49

Hmm. Firstly I think you need to stop telling yourself that this is all for your daughter's benefit because I think it's more to do with the fact you want another child and you are finding reasons as to why it's a good idea.

Personally, if I were you I would try to fix your problems with DH before adding the stress of another child to the mix. You say yourself you may sort out the issues you've been having. Why not try to do that first? It will only become harder with another baby.

For what it's worth, I'm an only child. I never really felt any of the things you say you did. I don't blame my parents at all for not having more. In fact my mother likes to remind me of the time I cried for days when she asked if I wanted a baby brother or sister what I have found now is that whilst I don't have the close sibling bond you see in your friends, I am a lot closer to my parents than my friends seem to be. My mum is essentially my best friend, I tell her everything like some of my friends do with their sisters etc...

If this is what you truly want then it's no one's business but yours and Hs but personally I really think you should try and work on the problems in your relationship first which you yourself say could well be salvageable.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/07/2019 08:52

I think you need to clarify what this is first.

Is it a relationship but you'll remain living apart? Are you living apart for now and working on whatever the issues are that mean you can't live together? Is it a soft break up? Is it friends with benefits until one of you meets someone else?

Pinkout · 30/07/2019 08:57

@Kidworries it doesn’t usually happen like that. The Mother is almost always the resident parent and Dad usually sees the children either every weekend or every other weekend so plenty of time to spend with siblings. Half-siblings can and do grow up every bit as close as full siblings.

I wouldn’t do this OP. Your DC doesn’t need a sibling to be fulfilled, you are very much projecting your own feelings from childhood into the situation. I also just think you have a strong desire to have another child, it’s nothing to do with your DC.

Work on your marriage first, if you can fix that then consider TTC but I wouldn’t bring another baby into this situation.

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