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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Considering 2nd baby in failing marriage

83 replies

Maybebabymaybenot · 30/07/2019 00:45

Name changed for this.

I know this will sound like an odd dilemma from the off but DH and I have a 2 year old daughter and had always planned to start trying for a 2nd child when she was around 1. We have put off however, because we have had relationship problems from daughter being around 6 months. Completely unrelated to her arrival, just to be clear. We now live seperately and get on better that way. Our daughter is thriving and has a close relationship with her Daddy.

I told him recently that I do regret that our daughter will not now have a sibling. I don't wish to offend any parents with 1 child families and realise this is a very sensitive issue but I grew up as an only child and was very lonely and do feel I missed out on valuable bonds and experiences. To this day I will admit to occasional pangs of envy when I see how close most of my friends are to their siblings and how much support they continue to provide each other although I know that is not always the case. I feel very sad to think that my daughter will not have a sibling.

The thing is, DH feels the same and has made it clear that he would be happy to try for a 2nd child despite our unusual (and let's face it, less than ideal) circumstances.

DP and I get on very well as parents and he is great with our daughter so I would have no hesitation in co-parenting with him again.

I dismissed the idea initially but I am starting to wonder if it is actually such a bad idea. I would very much like another baby and my personal view is that my daughter would benefit.

I will admit that a small part of me is worried about what other people would think and I am annoyed with myself for caring but as you can imagine, I would end up facing some tricky questions from tactless people!

Am I crazy to be considering this?

OP posts:
demelza82 · 30/07/2019 09:04

You are being abhorrently selfish, I know someone who's done the same things and split and it's a mess but I'd feel the same even if I didn't know someone.

The idea of having another child, a whole new human being, to prevent an 'only child' makes my mind boggle.

Kidworries · 30/07/2019 09:05

I know that. The issue is we would see dad's at weekends. And the week we were in school or seeing other grandparents. So we literally never spent time together at the same time. 3 kids 3 different dads. My mum was the resident parent. My sister's dad went on to have 3 more kids too. Oh the drama and unorganisation of it all!

scubadive · 30/07/2019 09:06

I would definitely. Your daughter will have a sibling for life and if he’s a good parent why not.

gingersausage · 30/07/2019 09:13

Maybe you shouldn’t see your marriage as failing but start accepting it as a happy marriage where you live separately. It’s unusual but not exactly unheard of. Helena Bonham Carter and her husband did it for years.

And yeah, scrap the idea of “giving your child a sibling” and own the fact you want two children. It’s absolutely fine to have as many children as you can look after. I think you just need to be honest with yourself and each other and you will be much happier.

isthismylifenow · 30/07/2019 09:14

Recrude

If you want to know what’s wrong with our society

That is the great thing about our society. We can do whatever we want to, even if it is unconventional. It is clearly not a choice you would make, nor would I to be frank. But if it is something the OP wants, why should she not?

Original poster
Maybebabymaybenot · 30/07/2019 09:15

I do want another child, if course I do or I wouldn't even consider TTC a child wgo would be not be wanted in their own right. But a large part of why I would like another child is to have a sibling unit wgo can grow up together, learn from each other and havr the possibility of a support system later in life although I do realise it doesn't always work out like that as adults! I do personally believe that there are many benefits to having a sibling in terms of learning about social situations, negotiation, compromise etc. aside from having someone to play with when they are getting on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybebabymaybenot · 30/07/2019 09:16

Apologies for the typos!

OP posts:
NavyBerry · 30/07/2019 09:17

Hmm are you sure you have problems in your marriage? Sounds like you get on well but just have an unusual living arrangement. Why not? If it makes you all feel better. What I'm saying is do you two really still consider yourselves as a couple or separated? Maybe you don't even have a problem here and can go for another child straight away

Zeusthemoose · 30/07/2019 09:20

'I would definitely. Your daughter will have a sibling for life'

Siblings are not always a positive things. My brother and I are 18 months apart and have never got on. It has caused alot of problems. The help with care when your old argument again is just not a guarantee. My Mum is currently very ill and my brother does absolutely nothing. I always knew it would all come down me. You may have another child and neither of them want the responsibility of caring for you when your elderly.

If the sole reason to have a child is to ' provide' a sibling imagine the heart ache and regret if they simply don't get on or the child has additional needs that causes extra stress to the family. You as a couple already have issues that mean your unable to presently live together. Sorry but I think it's an incredibly naive thing to do.

Yabbers · 30/07/2019 09:22

I don’t see the problem. You are still in a relationship with him, you just don’t live in the same house.

EpicDay · 30/07/2019 09:28

I am not really sure why you’re even worrying about this. I reckon at least 50 per cent of people would choose to live apart from their spouse if they could realistically afford to - I know I would!! And I love my Husband totally - just not his chaos and his mess. I had a second baby in circumstances where I had a 1 in 4 chance of having another child with a serious genetic disorder because I felt so so strongly about my existing child not being an only. So I would say go ahead.

BertieBotts · 30/07/2019 09:28

I would do it. Children don't need their parents to be in a romantic relationship to be happy/healthy. If you get on it's better than a lot of situations would be and you are already tied to him because of DC1.

isthismylifenow · 30/07/2019 09:31

Yes there are benefits to having siblings OP, but there are also many benefits of being an only child too. They are just different benefits.

Abraid2 · 30/07/2019 09:34

My brother swore blind he wouldn’t have more children with a new partner. Then he reversed his vasectomy and has another child now.

What’s in it for the new baby? He or she seems to be getting less of a deal.

Zeusthemoose · 30/07/2019 09:38

EpicDay
'I had a second baby in circumstances where I had a 1 in 4 chance of having another child with a serious genetic disorder because I felt so so strongly about my existing child not being an only. So I would say go ahead.'

So you risked your 2nd child of having a high probability of living it's life with a serious health disorder just so your other child would have a sibling?? Are you for real??
It sounds as though you struck lucky and thank goodness your 2nd child is ok but of all the selfish things to do. Unbelievable

Icecreamsoda99 · 30/07/2019 09:56

Would it not be better to put the energy into marriage counseling to find a way you can co-habit harmoniously?

Smokesandeats · 30/07/2019 09:57

I need to know more about the breakup to give a reply. If you love, respect and fancy each other, while being great parents, why can’t you live together? Can you give some idea what your arguments are about? If there are fundamental disagreements about work, money, religion, housework or family, could counselling help to sort out how you communicate with each other?

My feeling is that If you argue all the time it will be damaging for your DC and you absolutely shouldn’t have another baby with him.

Mummabear12345567889 · 30/07/2019 10:06

I agree with @Smokesandeats we dont know why you weren't able to live together.
What about contact arrangements? What would you plan be around that? Would baby have overnights with dad? What if he agreed to baby staying with you and then changed his mind and really struggled at the thought of not being around his baby as much?
I'm not clear- are you a couple? Or are you separated?

NoSauce · 30/07/2019 10:10

What if you or your H meet someone else? How would you feel if he moved out and you were left with two dc? Or how would he cope if you met someone else and wanted your new partner to move in and your H said no.

VeThings · 30/07/2019 10:17

I’d try for another baby if I wanted two DC. Just be clear with DH on what happens if you do split permanently - sounds like you are co-parenting well.

user27495824 · 30/07/2019 10:25

I think it's a good idea unless you are very young and have opportunity to meet a new partner soon. How old are you? Those saying single parenting 2 is a whole different ball game are not quite accurate. Often it's much harder to single parent one because they crave a constant play mate.

SilverySurfer · 30/07/2019 10:29

If you feel you missed out by not having a sibling you can have my sister, free of charge, we speak to each other once a year. .

I guess it's up to you if you decide to have another baby, providing you can provide for it financially and won't be raising it on other people's money, aka benefits.

Original poster
Maybebabymaybenot · 30/07/2019 10:41

Thanks all.

Yes we can afford another one. We both work and I get generous maternity allowance so would be able to take a full year off to be with them if we went ahead.

I agree we would certainly need to discuss some difficult issues and possible future scenarios.

OP posts:
Abraid2 · 30/07/2019 17:09

Why not try to work on the relationship first? Is there no chance of repairing it?

Greeve · 30/07/2019 17:13

It sounds great on paper but unless he wasn't much help with a newborn, it will be very different having a toddler and a newborn as a single parent because that's what you'll be most nights/mornings.

How would you split childcare? What if he meets someone while you're pregnant/baby is young knowing you will likely be off dating for some time?