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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Told my mum I hope she dies soon

82 replies

Asiama · 29/07/2019 23:55

My mum is an abusive narcissist and my dad is an enabler. I hardly speak to my mum, went NC for 6 months but caved and now LC. I know I should cut them out, grey rock, FOG etc but I keep on craving and hoping her love.

My parents came to visit and after a particularly difficult lunch constantly undermining me and criticising my parenting, including turning my son to face in a particular direction while I was telling her repeatedly not to because he will cry, she showed me a load of products she had brought with her (unrequested) which would help me - shampoo to make my hair grow as I don't have enough, skin lightening cream as I'm too dark, a particular hair dye as I must be dying my hair as I don't have greys (despite repeatedly telling her my colour is natural), advice / instructions on clothing as I don't look nice. I told her I don't want to hear this again and she said she hopes she will die soon, and I responded by saying "yeah". After a few moments' silence, I said it's best if they don't visit again. There was also no response to this.

I feel awful that I make her want to die soon but I feel worse that I basically agreed that I hope so too. It was a terrible and totally unreasonable thing to say to my mother, and now I don't know what to do to make it right.

OP posts:

koolaider · 30/07/2019 00:02

Don't feel bad. I wouldn't if I had to listen to that abuse. Go NC

hellodarkness · 30/07/2019 00:02

I don't know anything about your relationship with your mother but the only correct response to someone saying they want to die - in a manipulative, narcissistic, controlling way of course - is 'yeah'.

So don't feel bad. It wasn't what she was hoping for I'm sure but she won't say it again.

EKGEMS · 30/07/2019 00:04

OP she was goading you the entire time they visited,you're only human. Take a stroll over to We took you to stately homes thread. Well done on telling them not to visit again. Believe me I understand dysfunctional relationships

WellThisIsShit · 30/07/2019 00:09

But, you didnt tell her that though did you?!

All you did was say ‘yes’.

Not a whole sentence. Not what you are accusing yourself of.

You are feeling this extreme guilt and piling it on yourself. Please be nicer and more compassionate to yourself my lovely. Please? Because you deserve it!

Nice and gentle ‘self-talk’ is SO important, it effects your brain and self esteem, as well as modelling how you except others talking to yourself and about yourself.

Kind self-talk obviously not what you’ve learnt to do growing up from your mother (!), but it’s super important, especially when you’ve just been through a horrible experience where someone has verbally attacked you.

Emerald4512 · 30/07/2019 00:17

She sounds like an incredibly manipulative woman OP. You've done nothing wrong here. She was the one to used those words, not you.

Missingstreetlife · 30/07/2019 00:23

Called her bluff, good for you.
Look after yourself op, nothing good is coming from her/them for you or dc. Have you any other family or a good friend

likeafishneedsabike · 30/07/2019 00:23

You gave the correct response OP. Stick with NC.

64sNewName · 30/07/2019 00:23

Ywnbu

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2019 00:26

She only said that to manipulate and emotionally terrorise you. The miserable cow. Good on you for calling her bluff. Go back to NC. You'll be much better off.

Genevieva · 30/07/2019 00:35

Remember 'Ask a silly question, get a silly answer' well your mother did pretty much that. She made a goading statement to provoke you and she succeeded. What else did she expect you to say after winding you up? "Yeah" could mean anything, including "No one believes you wish that Mum," "Stop being a manipulative witch," "Well I suppose the one advantage of that would that we would't have these rows"... She can take her pick. She said it, not you.

Rachelover40 · 30/07/2019 00:36

You really tried with your parents, Aslama, but there is no way they are going to change. Your mum was trying to guilt trip you which was easier for her than admitting any wrongdoing on her part. I feel very sorry for you but I know you don't really wish death on her and the fact is, it's unlikely that she will die in the near future, it takes more than wishing.

Try not to think too much more about it and move on! Certainly go NC unless there is some sort of emergency.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/07/2019 00:41

Honey, you only agreed with her.
You didn't actively say "I hope you die soon".
She doesn't give a shit anyway and there is NOTHING you can do to "make this right" because she was only saying it to extract more emotional pain from you - don't give her the satisfaction.
Some people are emotional vampires - they feed off your emotional response and delight in provoking it to get their "fix". Just don't rise to it. Go back to NC - you won't ever get the approval and love from her that you want because it's not in her to give it. IF she does actually love you, it doesn't benefit her emotional vampirism to tell you because she won't get her fix.

Do not make any attempt to redress this situation - she will just know that your momentary strength was just that, momentary, and she will make you pay emotionally. You can't "win" here - so let it go.

ddl1 · 30/07/2019 00:52

You didn't tell you hoped she would die soon! She said she hoped she would die soon, and you responded in a less-than-sympathetic way, which was not unreasonable, as she was obviously using this to manipulate you.

Getoffmylilo · 30/07/2019 00:56

My conversations with my mother consist of me making a single 'ungh' sound in response to most things she says (which are generally horrible about anyone and everyone including me, including goading type behaviour). Yet I still feel bad about my (lack of whole sentence joining in type) contributions to the conversation. Then I remember that she doesn't feel bad about anything she says, does or the impact she has on anyone and never has. Don't feel bad. 'Yeah' was much more profound than 'ungh'!

2018SoFarSoGreat · 30/07/2019 01:03

Don't beat yourself up. Not over simply agreeing with her. It sounds like she has nothing good to give you, and that is unlikely to ever change. I am sorry.

darkparadise1 · 30/07/2019 01:07

She sounds like she deserved it. I'm really sorry she's treated you like that.

tolerable · 30/07/2019 01:10

from as long as ever my grandfather called of a thursday evening..from big nuf to reach the phone i would answer..he would say hello mifanwiee how are you?i would warble whatever..then (remember my manners)and say how are you?he would reply "miserable,i havent died yet"i was a baby really,and overly invested in emotion..and..had never met him..probli didni know what died was.. so would say "awww thats a shame,maybe onetime.dont give up"... i dont know even when i was 40 and he was actually holding my hand to die(him,not me)that he realised-he was the adult
your post made me realise that.
im not saying your mum isnt a cnut
be careful what you wish for.you cani change other people.when you change how you deal with them,or the effect they have it blows their minds. try "oh thankyou mummy-how did you even know that was a problem,have you suffered the same?" let her do her "good"if its still twattery-redirect it. its not a game.it shouldnt be a game....but.the guilt of nc is a heavy burden.the zing from continued cnuterry is always sting ing..so realign.make sure she knows you love her anyway.-then get therapy-- perhaps?

tolerable · 30/07/2019 01:12

also.write her.a proper letter.blunt. this is how you make me feel,i dont like it,i will keep you updated,please dont share your opinion.we will be ok.

ysmaem · 30/07/2019 01:15

You didn't tell her to die OP so please dont put unnecessary guilt on your shoulders. Your mother was trying to get a reaction by saying she wants to die, you didn't give her what she wanted. She sounds horrible.

Exhsuatedmuch · 30/07/2019 01:27

Cant see what you did wrong tbh.. Good for you. She goaded and you didn't react how she wanted. Bet that took the wind out of her sails... Nothing to make right for you at all you're just conditioned to feel that wY. Please don't it took me till I was nearly forty to understand that and I'm. much happier now pleasing myself anf the ones I love who love me. Good for you xxxx x

gingerbreadsprinkle · 30/07/2019 01:37

You've done nothing wrong.

Sammy900 · 30/07/2019 01:53

You have a son, right. ..now imagine your future self telling your older son that you think you will die soon because of an argument over hair dye? That won't happen - because it is bonkers.

It is not acceptable that she is treating you like this.....you wouldn't expect your son to parent you?...think of your own values and your own family...
Do not deal with this anymore. tell her to fuck off and go nc, you will feel angry for ages... but essentially it will do you all good.

TwistyTop · 30/07/2019 03:03

I know it's hard to see clearly when it's your own mum, but from the outside I really struggle to see what you did wrong. I think just saying "yeah" was probably the best response you could have given. Your mum is just upset that you aren't pandering to her. She sounds like a toddler. She's having a tantrum. It's that simple.

user1497997754 · 30/07/2019 03:16

I told my mother I wouldn't go to her funeral and she could shove her money up her arse.......I hope you feel better now

Pikapikachooo · 30/07/2019 06:55

You didn’t wish her to die ! You just said ‘yeah’

Time for another break and surround yourself with support

Hard times and very sad

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