Told my mum I hope she dies soon

[Asiama]

My mum is an abusive narcissist and my dad is an enabler. I hardly speak to my mum, went NC for 6 months but caved and now LC. I know I should cut them out, grey rock, FOG etc but I keep on craving and hoping her love.

My parents came to visit and after a particularly difficult lunch constantly undermining me and criticising my parenting, including turning my son to face in a particular direction while I was telling her repeatedly not to because he will cry, she showed me a load of products she had brought with her (unrequested) which would help me - shampoo to make my hair grow as I don't have enough, skin lightening cream as I'm too dark, a particular hair dye as I must be dying my hair as I don't have greys (despite repeatedly telling her my colour is natural), advice / instructions on clothing as I don't look nice. I told her I don't want to hear this again and she said she hopes she will die soon, and I responded by saying "yeah". After a few moments' silence, I said it's best if they don't visit again. There was also no response to this.

I feel awful that I make her want to die soon but I feel worse that I basically agreed that I hope so too. It was a terrible and totally unreasonable thing to say to my mother, and now I don't know what to do to make it right.

Skin lightening cream??? Ugh. She's literally trying to change you into someone else. You did nothing wrong OP. What a witch.

She is adding nothing positive to you or your ds life.

You haven't done anything wrong but she has.

She sounds really pathetic and I wouldn't waste another moment on the horrible person.

No it wasn't unreasonable. If you've put up with that kind of behaviour for years, and it's directed at you for no reason other than you're on this planet and breathing then you've been way more patient and forgiving than she deserves.

She's sounds like a narcissistic, horrible bully and you will be doing yourself and your child the greatest disservice by keeping her/them involved out of some misplaced loyalty.

You deserve to be happy and if that means going NC then so be it.

She is doing it to you again - she said she hoped she died soon so you could rush to reassure her and do what she wanted. It was emotional blackmail but it didn't work - she didn't get the response from you she wanted. Well done. Honestly, you sound lovely and there are a loads of older woman who would love to have a positive daughter type relationship with someone nice - can I recommend you go and invest your time finding someone to love who is kind to you.

YOU don't make her want to die - she only said that because narcissists absolutely love to try and elicit attention responses - ie, "NO, mum, don't say that! Look, I'm sorry, please don't feel like you want to die soon!" etc. If it wasn't you, it would be another child, or the husband etc. She's like this because it's her, all her, and none of you.

Can you see yourself abusing your son as she did to you? No? There is your answer. You can protect him from this through NC.

You’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to put right.

Your parents sound scarily like mine. Sceptical mine have been cut off for years and if they’re dead.... I neither know or care. Honestly.
They did the same as yours, undermine, criticise, hurt, manipulate, punish etc. When they started showing the same behaviour to my baby.... goodbye. No way could I let my child have the childhood I had.
Also it was draining me, damaging my ability to parent confidently. My child deserved better, even if my parents had convinced me I deserved nothing.

DONT try to make this better.
DONT expose your sweet child to their poison.
DONT take advice from people who have no idea how toxic some family dynamics are.
DO go no contact. Change your number if you need to. Tell them NO, hang up if they call and burn the bridge , google Dwil Nation for stories on dealing with grim parents/in laws (and All in the family on same site).

Stay strong lovely, you and your child deserve better. You did the right thing xxx

I don't blame you. It serves her right for trying to emotionally blackmail you like that.

OP - my mum has screamed the exact same down the phone at me. i wish I'd said 'Yeah' too! I will next time.

I think about her passing all the time. Not necessarily her death/dying, but how peaceful and uncomplicated my life/my family's life would be.

I refuse to feel bad about this.

She sounds awful. She manipulated you into what you said because she wanted you to feel exactly as terrible as you do now. Don’t beat yourself up at all. You’re only human. I agree she should go no contact.

Told my mum I hope she dies soon

No you didn't. What she did was bring along a carpet bag of things to beat you down with and you initially didn't give her the response she wanted to her gifts. Instead of looking hurt and broken or crying what you did was stick up for yourself. Because she didn't get her way she then pulled out one of the other tools available to Narcs to get their own way, emotional blackmail. It is usually something like they are really ill or something about dying. Its classic Narc. Again, you stood up for yourself by bot giving her the correct response which was to cry, break down in front of her and beg her not to feel that way.

I think you need to practise a few other responses to her. Instead of "yeah" (which TBH is fine, you haven't wished her dead) you could just say something like:

"I hope I die soon" - "do you?", or shake head and say "what a silly thing to say" or look at her in disbelief and say something like "who wants a cup of tea". Basically a non response.

Well done on not enabling her. You should actually be proud of the way you have handled it. What has happened here is that you handled it well but the hang over of the conversation is that you feel crap now.

You were supposed to say “no Mum, I hope you live forever because you are the most important person in the world” or some such crap
Well you didn’t (but you didn’t say you wanted her to die either) so don’t feel guilty, she just didn’t get the reaction she wanted
If you can’t do NC again, which I would recommend by the way, then just saying “ok” or similar when she comes out with her dramatic rubbish is probably the best way to deal with her. You only feel so awful because you are a decent human being, unlike your mother!

I agree you’ve done nothing wrong. Your mum was being dramatic and over the top and you put a stop to it. Your role in her drama was meant to involve crying and begging her ‘ oh no mum, please don’t say things like that, I love you, I don’t want you to die, I’ll use the skin cream and the hair dye’ but you stopped her in her tracks.

This is really sad because it’s clear from your OP none much you want to love her, you want her to be a mum you enjoy spending time with. You say you maintain contact out of FOG, but it’s more than that. I think it’s out of hope - hope that she will somehow see the error of her ways and become the mum you wish you had.

I felt the same way for many years until I eventually realised (as a side effect of many years therapy) that my mum would never change. She would never be the warm, supportive person I wanted in my life. At that point things became a lot easier as I stopped hoping to get those things from her and so she no longer hurt and disappointed me when she couldnt deliver . I now get warmth and support from other friends and family. Sadly my mum doesn’t have it in her to give.

It's not you, it's her.
Keep up the NC and live your own happy life without this poison in it.

My mum was emotionally abusive to me for years, and we have been happily NC for years, lost count of how many, but over a decade, even though I would never wish her harm, ever.

Maybe it's time to go NC again?

Think of yourself like an alcoholic trying to quit alcohol. Yes you fall off the wagon occasionally and go LC with your Mother. But when you realise what you've done, pick yourself up and go back to NC again.

You don't need her in your life! Your DS doesn't need her in his life.

And as a white woman I am horrified by the skin lightening cream!

It’s abuse. Don’t have contact. That’s easy to say. Just set your mind to it please, for your sanity.

And don’t feel bad. She sounds manipulative and just, dreadful.

Honestly I think your mum will be more peeved that you didn't immediately rush to placate her and apologise for whatever it was she thinks you did to upset her! This was a statement made to garner your sympathy and get you to kowtow to her way of thinking! It's a disgustingly manipulative move on her part and you should feel no shame! Well done for telling her not to come over any more, you don't need someone in your life who will put you down and make you feel crap and then pull this stunt on you. Remember you are free to remove toxic people from your life, relative or not!

Well, that wasn't the response she expected, was it?

Kudos to you, OP, for not capitulating to her underhand, manipulative attempt at emotional blackmail. And you didn't tell her you hoped she'd die - you merely said 'yeah' - that sentiment came from her, not you. It's a good thing all round that it's backfired.

You've had some lovely, compassionate advice from PP which I can't put better: particularly in relation to self-care and being as gentle with yourself as you would with a friend who confided in you about the same situation.

And if you need to break off contact with them in order to preserve your emotional wellbeing, you should have no conscience about doing so.

Thank you all so much got your lovely messages of kindness. I feel like I should be the bigger person and shouldn’t stoop to her level. When I said “yeah”, in the moment I was agreeing with her. Ten years ago I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my parents but now, all I feel is devastation that it will mean there is no longer the possibility that they will love me, but also relief from the pain that they cause and my “addiction” to them (the alcohol example is spot on).

My father is a very weak man. If you ask him if he wants a fork or a spoon, he will ask my mum to what he wants as she will be horrible to him if he picks what she finds unacceptable. He enables her because he is too weak to stand up to her, but I still fully blame him for never protecting me. Maybe I’m too harsh.

I’m going to write down everything that happened yesterday so that if I have a weak moment, I can read this and remind myself why I don’t want them around.

1. Wouldn’t give me my son back to feed him lunch despite several requests, because she wanted to cuddle him longer.

1. Complained that our plates were too big.

1. Criticised that our lunch was unhealthy (they bring their own food because even if I cook exactly the same thing eg boiled rice it’s not as good as hers)

1. Complained that I am not keeping my son comfortable eg by strapping him in, in his bouncer.

1. Complained for the 100th time that I did not buy the cot thing she had instructed me to buy several times, because it would have been more comfortable than everything we have provided.

1. Went to turn my son to face a different direction even while I was telling her not to.

1. Didn’t want photos taken of my son because his clothes weren’t nice enough (a lovely outfit, which she doesn’t know was a present from his other grandparent).

1. Complained that I wear trousers instead of skirts.

1. Got out a written list of “improvements” complete with a bag of items for demonstration, to help me as I don’t have enough hair, my skin is too dark etc etc.

10. Commented behind my husband’s back that he shouldn’t drink tea because it’s bad for his prostate. I told her if she wants to say something then she should say it to him and not to me. She said he wouldn’t like it. I told her that doesn’t stop her telling me stuff that I have told her many times to stop eg the criticisms of my looks. Her response was she hopes she dies soon.

11. Refused to leave our house at the pre-agreed time because she wanted to cuddle baby for longer, even though he was getting tired and it was time for bath and bed. A 5 hour visit is not long enough and we are kicking them out.

12. Criticised that I’m bathing baby on my own as it’s not safe, my husband should be with me.

13. Insisted on coming into son’s room as he was falling asleep so she can say goodnight.

14. Told us at random times of the day to go change his nappy, as if we didn’t know what we are doing.

15. Berated me for not using my common sense and pulling the recliner out for my father even though he sat there protesting he didn’t want it.

16. Criticised me to my husband when he told her to be nice to me, telling him that she is a kind person with a gentle heart and I’m basically the problem etc.

Op you deserve a medal.
No more visits.
No more abuse to you or your ds.

From today.

In the heat of the moment I would say the same, she was fishing for pity saying "I hope I die soon"
You done the right thing asking her not to visit, you already done NC she didn't learn or change from it.
She is not going to change.

Oh I forgot the breastfeeding! My mum got very upset once again that I'm planning (if it works for my family) to feed until he's 2. I have been instructed a number of times to stop at 1, apparently that's the advice, it's not necessary to carry on further, breastfeeding is bad for the mother, I wasn't breastfed and neither was she so it's ok. It's my body, what's it got to do with her!!

I'd seriously consider only meeting her somewhere public so you can leave when you can't take anymore crap.

OP, I hope you don't mind me asking this, but given your user name and some of the things you have said, are your family Asian? I just ask because I find exactly this kind of emotional blackmail to be so, so common in Asian (specifically Indian) families for some reason - 'I hope I will die soon', 'You wouldn't be upset if I was dead', 'You cause us so much stress and sadness that when we die it will be your fault', 'Your father had a heart attack because of how badly you treat him.' AAARGH!!! It is just so abusive. It's a culture with extremely strong family bonds and concepts of duty to parents, and that's why they say it.
You ABSOLUTELY did and said the right thing. You weren't at all saying 'I hope you die soon' - SHE said that, and you simply responded 'yeah' meaning 'yeah, whatever, fine, ok'. Which is the correct response, because what she really wants is you to feel guilty and emotional and beg and plead, and you shouldn't give her the satisfaction. Your response was the same it would be to a toddler or young child saying something like 'I want to be a tree when I grow up' - it's equally insane, and so you don't challenge it, you just say 'yeah, ok, great, good for you.'