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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Told my mum I hope she dies soon

82 replies

Asiama · 29/07/2019 23:55

My mum is an abusive narcissist and my dad is an enabler. I hardly speak to my mum, went NC for 6 months but caved and now LC. I know I should cut them out, grey rock, FOG etc but I keep on craving and hoping her love.

My parents came to visit and after a particularly difficult lunch constantly undermining me and criticising my parenting, including turning my son to face in a particular direction while I was telling her repeatedly not to because he will cry, she showed me a load of products she had brought with her (unrequested) which would help me - shampoo to make my hair grow as I don't have enough, skin lightening cream as I'm too dark, a particular hair dye as I must be dying my hair as I don't have greys (despite repeatedly telling her my colour is natural), advice / instructions on clothing as I don't look nice. I told her I don't want to hear this again and she said she hopes she will die soon, and I responded by saying "yeah". After a few moments' silence, I said it's best if they don't visit again. There was also no response to this.

I feel awful that I make her want to die soon but I feel worse that I basically agreed that I hope so too. It was a terrible and totally unreasonable thing to say to my mother, and now I don't know what to do to make it right.

OP posts:

Cyrusc · 30/07/2019 10:53

Good on you OP. I think you should step away from her. Sorry your mum is so horrible, everyone deserves their mother's love

barryfromclareisfit · 30/07/2019 11:09

Just to say - when you have an abusive narcissistic mother, it is actually better when they’re dead. Not that I’d wish harm on anyone, just that it’s a few years since my mother died and I can’t help but notice life is happier, easier, more pleasant than before. Don’t reproach yourself, OP. Protect your children and yourself.

clairefrasier · 30/07/2019 11:25

OP,
don’t feel bad. I can’t believe that she was giving you skin lightening cream because she thinks your skin is too dark!!! Wtf!
I love my mum to bits - she’s a great mum- but I know she has a negative view about darker skin so constantly goes on about sunscreen cos she doesn’t want her grandchildren getting darker (she said it in front of them), so I really had a go at her for teaching my kids that fair is good and dark is bad, and this attitude has prob come from the brits colonising her country of origin a long time ago, and she shouldn’t be encouraging this kind of discrimination !
Your Mum saying that she wishes she would die is one of those things abusive people say to make their victim feel bad, so in my view your ‘yeah’ response was great cos she didn’t gain any control from saying that!

MitziK · 30/07/2019 12:13

I said worse.

I replied 'Don't. I don't have time to arrange a house clearance and get the spare room ready for [my brother] to move in'.

Went NC in the end - after lots more stuff, including, interestingly enough, an excited phone call telling me about acid peels that would burn all my freckles off - as though being white with freckles was worse than being just pure white. should have spent a fiver on some fucking sun block when I was a kid then, shouldn't she BUT until I went NC, I never heard any more stupid statements intended to get sympathy.

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/07/2019 12:25

Please try not to blame your dad. He is a victim of her abuse as well. In a fair world, he would have found the strength to stand up to her for your sake but abuse wouldn't exist at all in a fair world.

RosaWaiting · 30/07/2019 13:02

OP I'd go NC again

no one should be exposed to this, it's appalling behaviour.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/07/2019 13:16

I do feel sorry for your father. He is probably a moulded shell from your DMs harsh criticism.

ElPontifico · 30/07/2019 13:23

You said the right thing.

She was trying to manipulate you with her melodrama, and you called her bluff.

P. S. I've never met her, and even I hope she dies soon.

mussolini9 · 30/07/2019 13:58

I feel awful that I make her want to die soon
Woah - cut that out right now OP!
You didn't make her feel that way.
You stated a perfectly reasonable boundary in the face of her overbearing interference & rudeness - "I don;t want to hear this again" & she pulled a staged guilt trip out of her hat.
You know that's what Narcs do, right?
Stop feeling awful. You didn't do this - she did.

but I feel worse that I basically agreed that I hope so too
None of us are responsible for our feelings - only our responses too them. You did NOT tell her that you hope she dies. You merely acknowledged her statement. It was a ridiculous statement designed to control you - so ... so what?
Please don't beat yourself up for perfectly understandable feelings of frustration & despair.

helacells · 30/07/2019 16:22

Oh dear, please apologize for your sake. As awful she may be, you WILL regret saying this. It's better to know that you corrected yourself than to live with the guilt.

RosaWaiting · 30/07/2019 16:28

hela why will OP regret it?

Me and my late father had our bad moments. It was okay in the end because we did care about each other, but even then, there’s no need to pretend anything. I do hate this “you’ll be sorry when x is dead”. You might not be. You might be relieved.

RosaWaiting · 30/07/2019 16:29

Plus if anyone owes an apology, it’s OP mum.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/07/2019 18:12

It's not the OPs fault her mother is toxic to the point she comes out with horrible comments like that and it's not some the OP or any individual can fix

Sagradafamiliar · 30/07/2019 18:56

You just acknowledged that you'd heard her, that's all.

Original poster

Asiama · 30/07/2019 19:05

They refuse to meet in public and to be fair it is inconvenient for me as well with a baby, but probably still better than this! I would be very happy to go to them, it gives me control over when to end the visit, but I’m not allowed to visit without my husband as it’s inappropriate (?!) and he doesn’t have the time or inclination.

I’m finding it really hard not to blame my dad. I know she uses his phone to send me messages pretending it’s from him so that I think it’s not just her saying these things. I don’t understand how someone can be so weak to the point that they allow their child to suffer. I don’t think I could do that to my child. I think of all the hurtful things my mum did when I was younger (telling me to go kill myself, asking me to speak to my teachers to get me adopted etc, all because I’m not pretty enough) and instead of standing up for me he told me I can move out soon but I should feel sorry for HIM because he has to live with her - except he doesn’t HAVE to, he chooses to.

I don’t feel like I can apologise, it would be a lie. I can only apologise for voicing how I felt, because although I feel guilty that I agreed, I cannot honestly say that of course I want her to live forever, and the fact that I don’t feel like that also makes me feel guilty and sad. I hope these ramblings make sense!

Got a text from my dad today which was clearly written by my mum, which refers to giving me something back which they borrowed from me at their next visit. Clearly they didn’t think I was being serious when I said maybe it’s better they don’t come at all.

My parents are Asian, is this really normal / common in Asian culture? I feel my mum is an extreme case, all of our relatives have cut us off because of her behaviour.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 30/07/2019 19:27

I'm the long run you need to work out whether having them in your life makes it better or worse.

Exhsuatedmuch · 30/07/2019 19:59

I really do hate the you'll regret it nonsense. No you won't... My regret is that it took me till I was 38 to stop it and say no that's enough. I'd allowed my kids to suffer, my husband and my mental health has never really recovered from all the abuse over the years. People say all the time to me how they love their mum and you only get one and I'll regret it when she's gone. No I bloody won't. My response to the you only get one nonsense is always the same...... Thank fuck for that.... Biology does not mean happiness it's just a small connection to people you often wouldn't like if you came across them in the wider world. I won't care when my parents die. I shall be relieved they're gone and I can finally fully enjoy life without looking over my shoulder. We all put up with people's annoying ways as no one is perfect but there is always a limit to that patience xxxx

Exhsuatedmuch · 30/07/2019 20:00

Ps. Neither of my parents speak to family they have as no one will. They've been cut off by everyone so basically I know I'm just fine having made that choice. Go with your own needs x.

ptumbi · 31/07/2019 07:47

As awful she may be, you WILL regret saying this. It's better to know that you corrected yourself than to live with the guilt. said by someone with not the slightest idea that someone's mother can be an awful, draining, vicious cow.

Hela you are so lucky to have people in your life who love you. There are people in others' lives who should love tyhem, and God we wish they would, but who simply don't. In fact, some actively Hate them - as it seems in this case. Maybe you could open your flipping eyes and look at others' lives? Not everyone has a loving, lovely family.

My own father is a cold selfish and immature man who i haven't spoken to for over 30 years. I occasionally check the Obits to see if he's still alive but I would only feel - nothing, if he was dead. Certainly not regret. Certainly not love.

Iggly · 31/07/2019 07:50

Being Asian doesn’t make you a narcissistic mother.

She’s just a dick by the sounds of it.

now I don't know what to do to make it right

I picked this out of your OP. It isn’t your fault that she’s like this and it isn’t your job to fix her.

Your job is to protect yourself and take responsibility for your happiness. From here, the only real way is to back away and stop trying to make a relationship which you’ll never have with her.

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 31/07/2019 08:05

you will regret saying this

Surely the whole point of this thread is that the OP is already bitterly regretting saying it (even though she didn’t actually say it). That’s why she is posting here.

Surely it would much more appropriate for the mum to regret saying any of the hurtful things she has said? Particularly her melodramatic reaction to another adult disagreeing with her by catastrophising ‘oh I hope I die soon’. That’s a very immature response on a level with teenagers shrieking ‘I didn’t ask to be born!’

Sometimes parents are unreasonable or unkind or just plain wrong and should apologise and amend their behaviour - as both a parent and a child I know this only too well.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/07/2019 08:39

I think what the other posters have said about your initial issue is spot on and I don't really have anything to add on that front.

In relation to this bit in your latest post @Asiama:
Got a text from my dad today which was clearly written by my mum, which refers to giving me something back which they borrowed from me at their next visit. Clearly they didn’t think I was being serious when I said maybe it’s better they don’t come at all.
I would have to respond with:
"Following your recent visit, I said it would be best if you don't visit again. This was not a joke. I was being serious. You must respect my wishes and this is what I want. If you want to return something to me that you borrowed, please post it to me. I will not be facilitating a visit from you in the future."
Then relax and ignore any other communications from them.

Hoppinggreen · 31/07/2019 08:47

Not sure about Indian/Pakistani culture but I do have several Chinese friends who’s parents threaten to die regularly when they dont get their own way
OP you did nothing wrong, stay strong and think about how awful it will be when they pull this crap in front of your child when he/she is old enough to understand

ptumbi · 31/07/2019 15:50

you will regret saying this

Surely the whole point of this thread is that the OP is already bitterly regretting saying it - actually I think the point of the thread is that although she does 'regret it', it is because of the conditioning and training that her mother did to her. She feels she should regret it, and knows this. Witness Hela's comment upthread! Societal pressure means that she feels awful saying it, and feeling it, and the guilt is strong and applied in spades by her mother. (And others)

As I said, I am NC with my father for over 30 years. I feel no guilt whatsoever. Total indifference - and in others' eyes, I am a monster who hates her father (rather than the other way round - after all, who could hate their own child? And Why? Why am I hated and what did I do to cause it? )

That is peoples' view, sorry to say. So guilt comes along with it, unless you are very strong in your self.

Sorry OP - it takes a lot to go NC. In people like your mother, it takes a lot, an awful lot. But it's worth it (I think) for your own self-esteem and MH.

Wonkybanana · 31/07/2019 17:06

I think of all the hurtful things my mum did when I was younger (telling me to go kill myself, asking me to speak to my teachers to get me adopted etc, all because I’m not pretty enough)

She said what????? OP there's your answer right there. You're not pretty enough so you should kill yourself? Good God.

You haven't done or said anything wrong here.

OP you love your son and can't imagine treating him this way. And you are longing for your mum to love you the same, or at least some way towards it. I'm sorry but she really isn't going to, ever. Because she's not you and she doesn't think like you. She can never think about anyone but herself, and then when it comes to others her only concern is how she believes it reflects on her. It's her way or the highway, and she doesn't care what tactics she uses to try to get everyone to bend to her will.

Try to make your peace with that. It will hurt and you will grieve for the mother you'd love to have but never will even though she isn't dead yet.. And then get on with your life with your DS and your DH, and his family if you're OK with them.

And keep up the NC. Because you know who she'll be calling on and manipulating even more as she gets older and needs care. Tell her she's not pretty enough and she should kill herself (or probably don't, but think it and stay strong). As they say, she's made her bed, now she has to lie in it.

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