Told my mum I hope she dies soon

[Asiama]

My mum is an abusive narcissist and my dad is an enabler. I hardly speak to my mum, went NC for 6 months but caved and now LC. I know I should cut them out, grey rock, FOG etc but I keep on craving and hoping her love.

My parents came to visit and after a particularly difficult lunch constantly undermining me and criticising my parenting, including turning my son to face in a particular direction while I was telling her repeatedly not to because he will cry, she showed me a load of products she had brought with her (unrequested) which would help me - shampoo to make my hair grow as I don't have enough, skin lightening cream as I'm too dark, a particular hair dye as I must be dying my hair as I don't have greys (despite repeatedly telling her my colour is natural), advice / instructions on clothing as I don't look nice. I told her I don't want to hear this again and she said she hopes she will die soon, and I responded by saying "yeah". After a few moments' silence, I said it's best if they don't visit again. There was also no response to this.

I feel awful that I make her want to die soon but I feel worse that I basically agreed that I hope so too. It was a terrible and totally unreasonable thing to say to my mother, and now I don't know what to do to make it right.

Wonkybanana couldn't agree more. You grieve, not for the parent you have but for the one you feel you have missed out on like others seem to have. It upsets me to have no mum, not that I miss the mum I have. Sometimes people are just awful people and are not meant to love kids the way we do.
I'd never hurt my children in the ways my parents hurt me and that in itself is enough for me. I've suffered and Continue to but it has made me a far better parent to my own children and they are wonderful kids who I remain very close to.
Your child is your priority and your mental health to be able to care for him..
You're honestly not cruel in anyway.

One life is all you have so be happy in it. If others wish to live such angry lives you have to let them. It's not your responsibility.
Take care and do what's best for you xxxx

Thank you all for your messages. It's my mother's birthday today and I just couldn't bring myself to ring her. I dread this time of the year every year. As a child I used to look forward to doing something for my mum for her birthday and every year she would somehow rubbish my presents and efforts. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I was 14, when I had spent days making a banner for her birthday to hang up in the living room, and a few days letter she flew into a range and ripped it into shreds. My crime was that she had to ask me twice to bring her something into the kitchen. She then screamed at me per usual that she was going to leave me and go back to her home country where she would live with orphans who would bury her when she is dead. Since then I vowed never to do anything nice for her birthday again and I have stuck with it. But I can't stop reliving this memory every year when her birthday comes around and I feel pathetic that I can't let go and forget.

I still feel a little bit bad about the way I reacted a few days ago because I feel I stooped to her level. I don't feel guilty anymore for the way that I feel about her.

You do sound like a lovely person, Asiama and you deserved a better mother. What she has done, and continues to do to you, is horrible.

Don't feel bad - you didn't stoop to her level at all - you just agreed with her, and not even explicitly. That's not stooping to her level. It's actually doing what she wants - agreeing with her!

Stay NC, stay sane and safe.

Hello everyone,

Got a text from my dad yesterday asking when they can visit next and I started to doubt my memory of what happened at the last visit. I'm so glad I started this thread and recorded everything! It's funny, at the time of the visit I was so upset and I had forgotten how it made me feel.

This is a pattern I see in most visits. They come, upset me, then ask for another visit as if nothing had happened. They seem to have no shame, no acknowledgement of how they had behaved or recognition of my comment that it's better they don't visit again. When I explain that they can't visit, I get a load of rubbish back about how it's normal to have these types of issues in families, we are just different personalities, they have done so many good things for me, downright denial of what had happened at the last visit, claims that they are wonderful people and God knows their hearts and if I have a problem then I should pray about it (ie it's not up for discussion and they won't take any responsibility). They wear me down until I agree to a visit because it's easier to have them here than enter into a conversation about why I don't want them here.

I would be happy to have my dad here on his own, but I've asked him so many times and he won't visit without my mum. He's made his choice. I no longer feel guilty AT ALL about how I responded to the death comment at the last visit, but I still feel angry and let down by my dad. His refusal to visit without my mum is just another way he's let me down. He'd rather not see me at all if he can't bring my mum with him.

As for the request for a visit, I'm just not going to respond so I don't get dragged into another conversation. Let's see how long my resolve holds out.

I'm so glad I have this place to vent and record my thoughts, so I can look back when I think I may have a moment of weakness!

Cut contact, to protect your child from her behaviour if nothing else. Then go and get yourself some counseling.

OP, may I second the PPs who have advised you to get counselling?
It will help you to stay strong, to keep your mother out of your life, to ditch the fear, guilt and unhappiness her awful narcissistic abuse has caused you.
It’s not an “Asian cultural” thing, it’s an “individual abusive narcissism” thing - my mother was exactly the same, and she was white English.
Your culture may well value having close family bonds, but it doesn’t value abuse (or shouldn’t do!)
There’s a big difference between a rather smothering over involved mother, and an abusive one.
You have no duty to be abused, just by virtue of being born in an Asian culture!
I went no contact with my mother when I was pregnant with my first child. I never saw her again, and she is now long dead. My only regret is that I didn’t ditch her sooner.
When she died, I grieved for the mum I never had, and for the fact that I would never experience a mother’s love. I think this is true of all abused children - they don’t miss their abuser, but the normal kind of loving mother that they weren’t given.
Stay away from your mum. Don’t respond to any contact, Block them on the phone, don’t answer the door. It will get easier with every month that passes. And life without her will be so peaceful and relaxed!

Asiama, I've only just seen this thread and I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. You've had some fantastic advice from many posters on here and much support.

Please consider going across to the Stately Homes thread, because as you know only too well, the aggravation from your parents - mainly from your mother but completely enabled and facilitated by your father - isn't going to go away. This is so painful for you.

Here is the link:
"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3588850-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

There are lots of people on there going through exactly what you are describing and much wise advice. 💐