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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu about washing hair?

121 replies

haudyer · 29/07/2019 21:12

DD fell yesterday and grazed her arm quite badly. Her hair needs washing and I agreed it could wait until today. She wanted to go out to play after dinner and I said I'd help her with her hair provided she was back by eight thirty. I had to call her in at nine - she's now in a massive strop as I told her she's on her own with hair washing. She says she didn't know the time as she doesn't know where her watch is. I say the options were clear before she went out and she should have found her watch / asked a friend to tell her the time. She's crying in the bath as I won't help her. AIBU? too harsh? She's 9.

OP posts:

Benjispruce · 29/07/2019 21:52

Too harsh.

Raver84 · 29/07/2019 21:52

You've done the right thing to say sorry. If my child is out of sight at 830 and then late in at 9pm i wouldn't be giving a shit about the hair washing I'd just be happy she was safe. I can't imagine letting my almost 10 year old out that late without me. Holiday or not.

formerbabe · 29/07/2019 21:53

Then you put a massive responsibility on her to return by a certain time and think punishing her for not doing so is acceptable and the punishment should be to not help her while she's injured in washing her hair.

Unbelievable.

MrsMop7 · 29/07/2019 21:54

Personal hygiene isn't a place for punishment. What an awful thing to do.

WhatsInAName19 · 29/07/2019 21:55

I'm glad you've done the right thing. Still utterly amazed that any parent would think withdrawing help with personal care from a child who has hurt themselves is an appropriate punishment. Fucking hell.

furrybadger · 29/07/2019 21:55

Poor child, I’m glad your not my mother

SolitudeAtAltitude · 29/07/2019 21:55

Yeah, don't punish through hygiene

katy1111 · 29/07/2019 21:58

Oh my goodness there's so much judgment on here! The op isn't a spiteful mother she was just trying to teach her child about consequences for her actions. I could understand the responses if she'd said she had sent her daughter straight to bed with no dinner and no bath but she just told her to wash her hair herself. I agree that it was the right thing to help her in the end as she was upset but jeez you're all making out like she's a bad mum for no reason whatsoever!!

Rachelover40 · 29/07/2019 22:00

Half an hour is nothing and as you called your daughter in, you could have done it earlier if it was important to you. Remember she is only nine for goodness sake.

If the girl needs help with hair washing, help her!

LaurieMarlow · 29/07/2019 22:00

Jesus christ help her.

tolerable · 29/07/2019 22:01

consequences??// you cant choose your family.

MrsMop7 · 29/07/2019 22:01

The op isn't a spiteful mother she was just trying to teach her child about consequences for her actions.

Well the consequence of being late is you don't go out tomorrow, not that your personal hygiene gets neglected.

AbsentmindedWoman · 29/07/2019 22:02

Jesus. You thought it was fine to leave her crying in the bath because she couldn't wash her hair without your help?

As another poster asked, is she the eldest?

formerbabe · 29/07/2019 22:03

If your child cannot be trusted to come home at an agreed time then you should be accompanying them.

Original poster

haudyer · 29/07/2019 22:04

She was out the front with her friends and could be seen from the house.

For me it was about the bigger picture - taking responsibility and being aware that your actions impact upon others - we're all late now as she was late.

I accept I was wrong. I apologised to dd and have just finished drying her hair.

I realise many of you still need to tell me I'm a terrible person, but feel free to exemplify the compassion you espouse and refrain.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/07/2019 22:04

I can't believe your nine year old was out unsupervised at 9 pm! What are you thinking??

Whatisthisfuckery · 29/07/2019 22:05

if her hair is that difficult to wash then she needs a haircut, and a more practical hairstyle. Why does a 9 year old need such high maintenance hair?

katy1111 · 29/07/2019 22:05

Well the consequence of being late is you don't go out tomorrow, not that your personal hygiene gets neglected.

Her personal hygiene is not being neglected by refusing to help with washing her hair on one occasion.

LL83 · 29/07/2019 22:05

Bit harsh and you have acknowledged that OP. Can see what you were trying to do but with the graze it was a bit much.

I think it's good she was out playing. Consequence in our house for being late repeatedly is in earlier the following night.

Ignore the horrible posts and don't beat yourself up, it's hard to get the balance sometimes.

SaxxedtotheMax · 29/07/2019 22:08

She will probably have moved out in 7 years time (I did) look after her for now, while she is still little (my DM didn't)

dustarr73 · 29/07/2019 22:08

Your 9 year old is out unsupervised at 9pm

Yes so was my 8 year old.Outside playing football with his friends.

And op if the hair was going to be a problem,maybe you could have left it till tomorrow.

WidowTwonky · 29/07/2019 22:09

It’s still light at 9 and mine were still out front playing. Nothing at all wrong with thet

Oswin · 29/07/2019 22:10

Whatis she needs help because she grazed her arm so I assume it hurts to run shampoo in.

Normal here for kids to be out the front till nine in the holidays.
There is a big green outside my window and kids where playing there till it starts getting dark.

IHateUncleJamie · 29/07/2019 22:12

She was out the front with her friends and could be seen from the house.

So why on earth didn’t you call her in, @haudyer? If she’d been rude/refused to come in, I get applying consequences but she’s nine. She just needs calling indoors when it’s time to come in. That’s literally it. Plenty of time for learning “responsibility” and time management.

I’m very glad you’ve apologised and helped her but I think you’re expecting too much of her and your idea of punishment was very harsh (and frankly a bit odd).

BertieBotts · 29/07/2019 22:13

Hang on sorry, I've seen your reply now. I think what you originally meant has got a bit mixed up really.

It seems to me like you were thinking OK, DD needs to be back by X time so I can help her with her hair by Y time to get other DC to bed for Z time.

Add to this a history of DC not particularly being in a rush to get back on time historically and feeling a bit fed up of this.

You attempted to communicate the particular urgency of the day to her but instead of it coming across as "I really need you to be in on time today because we're going to need more time than usual to do your hair with your poorly arm, do you have a watch? How can we make sure you're in on time?" it came across as "Come in on time, or I can't (won't) help you" - like a threat or punishment. What's missing is the back story - that she's often late in or doesn't take instructions seriously.

I don't think you were really being spiteful or mean, it was just a misjudgement of a situation. Really you should have looked at the two issues, the persistent lateness and the issue of washing with injury, as two separate things. But no harm done. We all get caught up on things like this sometimes.

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