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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu about washing hair?

121 replies

haudyer · 29/07/2019 21:12

DD fell yesterday and grazed her arm quite badly. Her hair needs washing and I agreed it could wait until today. She wanted to go out to play after dinner and I said I'd help her with her hair provided she was back by eight thirty. I had to call her in at nine - she's now in a massive strop as I told her she's on her own with hair washing. She says she didn't know the time as she doesn't know where her watch is. I say the options were clear before she went out and she should have found her watch / asked a friend to tell her the time. She's crying in the bath as I won't help her. AIBU? too harsh? She's 9.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2019 21:26

What's wrong with you?? She's 9 for fuck's sake and her arm is injured. This is horrible.

Iggly · 29/07/2019 21:28

I think 9 is too young for such a consequence.

It sounds like she’s a typical 9 year old and you want her to act older than she really is. Is she your eldest?

I’m guessing yes and your expectations are too high.

Newmumma83 · 29/07/2019 21:28

It’s your daughter , your choice what do you think

Original poster
haudyer · 29/07/2019 21:30

ok. perspective is good. thank you for the replies.

OP posts:
jaseyraex · 29/07/2019 21:30

I'm glad you've apologised to her. We all make bad judgements in parenting sometimes, I think perhaps you're expecting a bit much of her because you have other stuff to get on with.
FWIW, my mum helped me wash my hair until I was about 12.

SamBeckett · 29/07/2019 21:30

I think you are been a little harsh , and the 'punishment ' is odd . for you to not make it easy to keep herself clean is mean .
Next time she is late deduct the same amount of time of her playing out time the following day.
So if she is meant to be in at 8pm but is half a hour late then the following day she has to be in at 7.30 . But make sure she has a watch on. I think very few adults could even tell the time accurately if they had not seen a clock for a couple of hours .

Hoppinggreen · 29/07/2019 21:30

My 10 year old doesn’t just roam free range until 8.30/9
And if he asked for my help washing his hair he would get it
If you do feel you need to punish your child find a more Appropriate way than being mean to her

bridgetreilly · 29/07/2019 21:31

If you wanted her in at 8.30pm you should have called her at 8.30pm. I wouldn't expect a 9yo to be keeping track of time like that, especially outside.

healthylifestylee · 29/07/2019 21:32

I think she will have taken what you said on board now. You did follow through to the extent I believe she would have realised 'sh*t I'm on my own and it's going to be hard maybe I should take more care when I'm going to need help'
But she also knows mum cares and will help me when I need her to because she is a kind supportive parent

Both things enforced
Job done

You sound like a great mum
Fingers crossed she finds her watch!

Butterfly98 · 29/07/2019 21:33

@haudyer what the hell is wrong with you? You sound psychotic to have no empathy for your daughter in this situation. I feel sorry for your daughter for having you as a mother.

maddiemookins16mum · 29/07/2019 21:34

Just be kind and hope that in 40 years when you get older and a bit annoying (it happens to us all) she still takes the time to be kind.

Mayvis · 29/07/2019 21:34

Why didn't you call her in at 8:30? Or was she nowhere in sight? Shock

It's a completely inappropriate punishment too. Why would you not help your injured child to keep clean? Mind boggles.

Vulpine · 29/07/2019 21:35

It would be nice to be a kid for a little longer and not wear a watch at all

Atalune · 29/07/2019 21:37

Well done op Flowers

Anothertempusername · 29/07/2019 21:39

Glad you're making up OP; I think though you're damned if you do & don't on here sometimes. If you'd rushed to her aid there would be posters saying "she'll never learn the consequences" etc. I suppose we're all still learning every day what it is to parent!!

BlackCatSleeping · 29/07/2019 21:40

You sound psychotic to have no empathy for your daughter in this situation. I feel sorry for your daughter for having you as a mother.

@Butterfly98

Whereas you sound really lovely and kind.

The OP has already explained her actions, admitted she was wrong, and apologised.

There's really no need to stick the boot in, eh?

SamBeckett · 29/07/2019 21:41

Ah sorry I did not see your reply, I am glad you have helped her,
Kids do need to learn boundary's and rules and if not followed the punishments will be adhered to.
I remember a kid I grew up near , his mum would say be back in at X time or you wont play out for a week , he was ALWAYS late but was always playing out the following day . He never learnt what it was like to be told no , he grew up to be a self important , dick head that never held a job down for more than a few weeks because " I dont like been told what to do "

YouJustDoYou · 29/07/2019 21:41

Glad you said sorry. If you wanted her in by a certain time, you shouldv;e made sure she had a way to tell the time.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 29/07/2019 21:44

I know you have accepted you are wrong. But this has still really upset me. Your DD is a little girl and is injured. It is really very surprising you felt as you did.

dudsville · 29/07/2019 21:46

Will done op. It takes a brave and honest person to post on here, think about the responses and let them change your own perspective. That's a better lesson you taught your 9yo. She hadn't got your reasoning skills yet and you've shown her what they are for.

RosaWaiting · 29/07/2019 21:47

I feel like saying “you’re mean” and pouting and I’m 43!

RosaWaiting · 29/07/2019 21:49

Now when you’ve finished helping her I want you to go to your room and think about your behaviour!! Grin. But not actually kidding.

BertieBotts · 29/07/2019 21:49

I don't really understand why the consequence was not being helped to do her hair - was it going to take much longer? Surely it would have taken her longer to try herself. Plus it's just a bit of a strange thing to say you won't do!

Otherwise though I don't think yabu to expect her to keep track of time and be back to a curfew. My 10yo does this and he will purposefully not look at the time and then be like "oh oooops, I missed that bus, oh well, I'll just have to play for an extra 20 minutes :) :) :)" (he catches a public bus to school, not in uk, he has a phone to tell the time, there are also clocks at all the bus stops) so I don't think it's harsh to have a consequence for that. But I am a bit more relaxed when it's the holidays and I wouldn't have used that as a consequence. Something like earlier bedtime tomorrow, löst screen time, having no time for pudding, whatever. She probably doesn't care whether her hair gets washed so it isn't very motivating really.

returnofthecat · 29/07/2019 21:51

A sanction is supposed to be taking away a treat from a child - not about hurting them.

She wanted your help because it was more painful without your help.

Next time think more carefully about what the actual consequence of the punishment is and don't make a threat that you shouldn't follow through with!

formerbabe · 29/07/2019 21:51

Your 9 year old is out unsupervised at 9pm...Shock