AIBU saying no to PIL

[pattieslapper]

Over the past 6-7 years we haven't seen PIL as much as we used to.
Several probable reasons, DH started working away and I can't drive so hard for us to fit in a visit after school as kids got older and started more clubs and activities and PIL have three more grandchildren to divide time with.

We used to visit on a Sunday after church but as two of DH's siblings have lunch with PIL every Sunday and once they had children it became awkward explaining to ours that they weren't staying too. So we see them at church and head home.

We moved two years ago and now live very close to PIL. On our free day I sometimes call in after school although they are usually out or on the way out. We often see them in the morning on the way to school and DC ask to visit or PIL say "we'll must take them to school one day or pick them up" it has only happened a handful of times.

DH's eldest sibling works in a different country and comes back for several months each summer with his family. They have a house close by. Their kids and my youngest kids are close in age and get on very well. Every time they visit PIL I get a phone call asking for my two to go and visit or on a trip etc.
My two love it but I can't help feel they are being a bit used. Then there's the inevitable questions as to why they aren't having a sleepover/dinner with PIL too.

MIL asked if they can visit next week and I've since heard from DH that BIL and his wife are going away so they're looking after the kids again.
Is it petty of me to say my kids can't go?

Sorry for the ridiculous length!

Using them in the sense they are playing with the other grandkids? What’s wrong with that? Can’t be that fun on either side unless your parents in law are very good at playing with the kids. Sounds like a good way for them to stay connected with their cousins.

We used to visit on a Sunday after church but as two of DH's siblings have lunch with PIL every Sunday and once they had children it became awkward explaining to ours that they weren't staying too

I don’t understand what you mean. Why couldn’t you go after church when the other siblings were there?

Why wouldn’t you want yours to see their cousins? I don’t get that bit either.

Are you jealous of the other sibling, sorry if I’m being dim here but I don’t get the problem, it seems like you’re looking for one tbh.

You say your DC love it; so what's the problem? Also not sure inviting your kids to play with their cousins is 'using' them!?

I'd say yes as long as they're getting a sleepover too.

It sounds like the PIL only take an interest in your DC when their other DGC visit. Is that the size of it?

If your children are happy and will enjoy themselves, why would you object?

Perhaps you could suggest to PIL that you all stay for supper and you take dessert.

Pipandmum
Using them in the sense they only want them to go there because the cousins are there. When the cousins aren't there PIL never ask them to visit.
They stay connected with cousins without PIL's help, we have them for sleepovers and to play etc often.

NoSauce
We used to visit after church. DH's other siblings would also be there at church then also go back but stay for lunch.
Once they also had children it became awkward because our kids would be happily all playing together with their cousins and then once the food would be nearly ready and we'd have to go.
Our younger kids were always asking why we had to go home once dinner was served when their cousins were staying to eat.
You know how little kids are tactless.

Have you ever asked why your in laws have two of DH’s siblings over every week for lunch but never you?

The fact that they are either always out or going out when you pop round after school suggests it’s not a good time or they are trying to avoid you!

I don’t really understand - do you mean your family is never invited to stay to Sunday lunch but the other siblings’ and their kids are?

And the only time your kids get invited over us when the other grandkids are staying?

If so, it does all sound a bit on you. DH should ask them why you are treated as second class citizens?

I don’t really understand - do you mean your family is never invited to stay to Sunday lunch but the other siblings’ and their kids are?

Basically yes. We used to get an asked when the siblings are on holiday but that dropped off in the last few years.

I've always assumed they don't invite us because there would be too many of us.

And the only time your kids get invited over us when the other grandkids are staying?

Pretty much yes. They have babysat them a few times but that's at our request. They haven't asked to have them.

That didn’t say you could say for lunch? That sounds strange of them, did you never ask if it was ok, even suggest bringing something along?

Sorry I nodded off.😬

Why did you not just ask if you could bring a dish and stay for lunch too? Odd.

Being used or playing with their cousins- depends on your point of view!

Next time they ask if you’ll bring your kids over to keep the grandchildren entertained, say: “No problem, and how about if we all stay for Sunday lunch next week too - the youngsters all get on so well don’t they and it will be nice for me and DH to catch up with you and the other siblings properly for a change.”

And your DH never asked why you all had to leave every time lunch was served? This all seems very strange.

Isn't it considered a bit rude for 6 extra people to invite themselves for a Sunday roast?!

Not sure I understand what the issue with your children going to play with their cousins or why you’d say they can’t go.

It is normal that the family who live abroad have a different relationship with the GPs- prioritising time with them and having sleepovers makes sense if they typically visit once a year over summer. By comparison, they see yours what sounds like several times a week (at church, you pop round, on the way to school). It doesn’t mean they’re intentionally playing favourites, just that they’re more motivated to make the effort when they’ve travelled and won’t see them again for a while after they’ve gone home.

As for the rest of your post, do you mean that the rest of the family is regularly invited for lunch after church, and whilst you’re welcome to go back to theirs after the service, they kick you out before they serve food? So you’re feeling left out? I agree this is weird but can’t your DH just have a word with his parents and say you’d like to do a family lunch all together. If hosting for everyone is too much for them, perhaps you and DH could offer to bring something, or have everyone to yours instead.

Actually, I think this is one of the rare occasions where your so should do the asking. He should say “hey mum and dad- we want to stay to lunch too!”

How many kids have you got OP?

It’s weird that the PILs didn’t invite the Op and her H to stay for lunch. There must be more to the story. Why would any parent invite two of their children for food but not the third and why didn’t he say anything?

The lunch thing is really odd. Why weren't you invited to eat. That is strange...

Cousins playing I wouldn't be upset about.