AIBU saying no to PIL

[pattieslapper]

Over the past 6-7 years we haven't seen PIL as much as we used to.
Several probable reasons, DH started working away and I can't drive so hard for us to fit in a visit after school as kids got older and started more clubs and activities and PIL have three more grandchildren to divide time with.

We used to visit on a Sunday after church but as two of DH's siblings have lunch with PIL every Sunday and once they had children it became awkward explaining to ours that they weren't staying too. So we see them at church and head home.

We moved two years ago and now live very close to PIL. On our free day I sometimes call in after school although they are usually out or on the way out. We often see them in the morning on the way to school and DC ask to visit or PIL say "we'll must take them to school one day or pick them up" it has only happened a handful of times.

DH's eldest sibling works in a different country and comes back for several months each summer with his family. They have a house close by. Their kids and my youngest kids are close in age and get on very well. Every time they visit PIL I get a phone call asking for my two to go and visit or on a trip etc.
My two love it but I can't help feel they are being a bit used. Then there's the inevitable questions as to why they aren't having a sleepover/dinner with PIL too.

MIL asked if they can visit next week and I've since heard from DH that BIL and his wife are going away so they're looking after the kids again.
Is it petty of me to say my kids can't go?

We used to be much closer to PIL and visited each other a lot more but as I said as we had more children and activities etc came into play, and then DH started working away so we do tend to prioritise spending time with each other over anyone else

I think you have your answer there

Maybe your right Bluntness100

And also you Adriane I guess we need to try and create more opportunities to see them. It's hard when DH is only here three nights a week.

I'd text 'can the kids sleep over with their cousins?' in response to the invite, to see what I would get back.

I'm not sure I would make more opportunities to see them. Do you believe they want to see you and your family or is it an obligation invite next week.
If so make separate plans with brothers/sisters without pil.

I will create more opportunities to see them because my children want them to be in their lives.

I take my hat off to you OP, I couldn't tolerate me and mine being treated this way.

I'm at my parents everyday sometimes twice a day (they live in the next street), I have 4 siblings who don't visit that often. If all 5 of us visit on a Sunday with partners and all 10 kids (so my parents grandkids) then if anyone eats, we all eat, even if it's just a wee bowl each. That's so hurtful what your PIL do especially because it was upsetting your kids.

Don't do anything you don't want to do and I wouldn't let your 2 go. I would say you all had plans, however I would ask constantly when the PIL would like to come to see the kids - like ask twice a week if you have to just to highlight that there is an issue.

Ideally I would skip all that and speak to them but you say your dh won't so...

I'd feel like second or third best in that situation. If we're only partially invited I wouldn't go. However if your children love them, arrange hard and fast sole dates. Oh the children are dying to see you, which night can you get them from school this week?
If they won't be pinned down, they're just not that into you.

Sorry but your pil sound awful. It's as if their family are all just a cast of people to choose from to occupy their time. (the pils time) rather than them wanting relationships with you.

I know you say dh doesn't want to argue with them. But his parents are treating his family like crap so he needs to get a back bone and talk to them.

It's really strange that they would always ask some family to lunch but not you BTW. I think you dealt with it remarkably calmly.

Just find out the fucking reason you are not invited to Sunday lunch - Everything else falls from this one stupid mystery

I completely understand where you're coming from, as I've had this. Relatives who don't bother that much with my DS, then as soon as they have young relatives there that need entertaining, oh let's get Piffle's DS round to play with them.

So much angst. You used to spend lots of time with them but as your circumstances changed you spent less time with them. Not them spending less time with you.

Your DH siblings have chosen to continue spending a lot of time with them even though they now have children and families of their own.

The lunch thing sounds strange. Did you always gi back for a bit after church but prefer to di your own lunch/afternoon thing and this has now only become a problem as the dcs want to stay with their cousins?

If there are too many for lunch then PIL should invite their children in turn, not leave one child and his family out in the cold every week.

That cannot he explained by just saying ‘it’s the numbers’

Why can't you talk to them about it?

My DC wouldn't hesitate if I treated them like that!