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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU saying no to PIL

89 replies

pattieslapper · 29/07/2019 16:44

Over the past 6-7 years we haven't seen PIL as much as we used to.
Several probable reasons, DH started working away and I can't drive so hard for us to fit in a visit after school as kids got older and started more clubs and activities and PIL have three more grandchildren to divide time with.

We used to visit on a Sunday after church but as two of DH's siblings have lunch with PIL every Sunday and once they had children it became awkward explaining to ours that they weren't staying too. So we see them at church and head home.

We moved two years ago and now live very close to PIL. On our free day I sometimes call in after school although they are usually out or on the way out. We often see them in the morning on the way to school and DC ask to visit or PIL say "we'll must take them to school one day or pick them up" it has only happened a handful of times.

DH's eldest sibling works in a different country and comes back for several months each summer with his family. They have a house close by. Their kids and my youngest kids are close in age and get on very well. Every time they visit PIL I get a phone call asking for my two to go and visit or on a trip etc.
My two love it but I can't help feel they are being a bit used. Then there's the inevitable questions as to why they aren't having a sleepover/dinner with PIL too.

MIL asked if they can visit next week and I've since heard from DH that BIL and his wife are going away so they're looking after the kids again.
Is it petty of me to say my kids can't go?

OP posts:

TheWernethWife · 29/07/2019 17:59

Obviously not so financial if the other siblings and children can sit down to sunday lunch with impunity.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 29/07/2019 18:06

a simple conversation could solve all this !
It’s beyond bizarre that you are being excluded every week and none of the other siblings that are having lunch has said anything?? you are setting a bad example to your kids by being so passive there has been a big misunderstanding

Sunshine93 · 29/07/2019 18:09

He may not want to argue with them but why was he putting his children in the posituob of being rejected by their grandparents? Sorry but sometimes its wrong NOT to cause conflict. Ateast yoy dont go abymore.

Now i understand the background to your OP better i would say yanbu to distance yourself and you children from pil and concentrate on their relationships with cousins away from grandparents.

Your duty is to protect them from being treated unfairly.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 29/07/2019 18:09

dH doesn’t need to argue with his parents at all,
Just say our children have noticed we are not staying for lunch and are upset at being left out can we have you all over to ours/ go out for lunch every now and then ?
Or why are we excluded from lunch each week is their anything we can do to rectify the this ?

Chathamhouserules · 29/07/2019 18:19

I think when you've had so many children you can't expected to be invited/hosted as people who had less. Although I guess they could invite you sometimes instead of the other 2 siblings.

Original poster

pattieslapper · 29/07/2019 18:56

Even if PILS behaviour is upsetting his DC? OK.
No their behaviour was upsetting DC so we removed ourselves from the situation.

DH thinks that it's to do with how much time we spend at PIL's. The two siblings who live here visit pretty much every day and we don't.
They are the type to ask PIL on holiday, to look at houses with them etc. We are not.
It's not that I especially want for myself to be invited and DH is the same. He thinks if we ask for an invite then we're invited out of duty, not because we are wanted.
I'd like PIL to want to see my kids because they want to see my kids, not because their cousins are pestering to see them.

I think I would be unreasonable if I stop them going next week though. The kids would be the ones missing out and that's not fair.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2019 19:02

Ok this is all very confusing, because you say in your posts how they ask for your two to come over, when actually you've got four and you don't explain you're not invited for lunch.

I'd also suspect it's because there are six of you, so they try to include the kids where they can. But six of you is a lot for them.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2019 19:03

Curious do you invite them to lunch at yours? There is only two of them. Which is very different to them having to feed six of you.

Original poster

pattieslapper · 29/07/2019 19:07

this is all very confusing, because you say in your posts how they ask for your two to come over, when actually you've got four and you don't explain you're not invited for lunch.

Sorry they invite my two younger children to play as they are similar ages as the cousins. My older two are teenagers.

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 29/07/2019 19:11

So they feed 6 adults and 5 kids after church but expect you and yours to leave? That is very odd and very rude on the Pil and siblings behalf, how can all these adults quite happily go along with this?

Original poster

pattieslapper · 29/07/2019 19:12

As I said up thread we invite all of them on special occasions about 6-8 times a year. We've invited just PIL and his Gran loads of times but the refuse unless it's when the siblings are away.

OP posts:

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 29/07/2019 19:12

Is it because you have 4 children? An extra 4 children in the house for Sunday lunch is a lot (especially if they are young and boisterous!)

Original poster

pattieslapper · 29/07/2019 19:20

I understand completely that 6 extra is a lot. It would just be nice for the kids to be asked once in a while.
I look at my four and can't imagine constantly leaving one out.
My own parents would rather have no dinner themselves than let someone feel left out.

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 29/07/2019 19:32

Not inviting your family to Sunday lunch is extremely odd. They are treating you and your children as second class family.

I would absolutely pull back from them. You shouldn’t expose your kids to that kind of treatment

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2019 19:32

It's the numbers op. The fact they invite two of them to come play. They are struggling to provide for six of you. That's a lot of extra people round the dining table.

Are the two older kids their grandkids?

pretentiousrubberduck · 29/07/2019 19:34

I get it OP; my pil invite us to go and stay only when their other very overzealous granddaughter is there. They've told us that our oldest is a good distraction for her. It really upset me at the time, we don't get invited over except to entertain her anymore because she's too much work for pil. My eldest finds her very overbearing though and doesn't actually enjoy the playdates. It's a shame because their cousin is a very sweet girl, just very needy and enthusiastic, and my eldest is very quiet and quite sensitive. We've just started being busy when they ask, we see cousin at other times with her parents and it works quite well.

MauritiusNext · 29/07/2019 19:42

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

pattieslapper · 29/07/2019 19:46

It's the numbers op. The fact they invite two of them to come play. They are struggling to provide for six of you. That's a lot of extra people round the dining table.

Are the two older kids their grandkids

My older two were the only Grandchildren for a long time and of course we were inundated with invitations then.
I understand that 6 extra is a lot when your hosting 7 but then when BIL is home too they have the 4 of them extra without a second thought.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 29/07/2019 19:49

It seems strange that you all live so close to each other but you don’t seem that close to them IYSWIM. Do you see DH’s siblings much apart from at church? I would have thought the fairest thing would be if DH’s parents like to have family around for every Sunday lunch and to have everyone round is too much (which I would fully understand) they alternate between siblings.

Why did you move closer, I would have moved further away!

How often do you see your family OP, do your DC have cousins on your side?

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/07/2019 19:58

I think I would be unreasonable if I stop them going next week though. The kids would be the ones missing out and that's not fair
.....and the cycle carries on....

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 29/07/2019 20:01

Do they think you don't want to be invited? The others pop round to PIL daily and involve them in things like house purchases, you don't (nothing seeing with either way, just preference). Do they think you'd rather they're more distant? Are they trying to redress a balance because they saw you and DH and your eldest two a lot, and when the other GCs were born a sibling said something? What does the sibling you get on with say about it? If my DM did this to my brother (who has more children than me btw), I'd say 'get DM how come DB and family never stay for Sunday lunch?'
I think you just need to ask why it is the way it is

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 29/07/2019 20:02

*nothing wrong with either way

Original poster

pattieslapper · 29/07/2019 20:06

DH and I moved in together quite young. The siblings were all still at home so I think they are generally closer.
We used to be much closer to PIL and visited each other a lot more but as I said as we had more children and activities etc came into play, and then DH started working away so we do tend to prioritise spending time with each other over anyone else.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2019 20:07

You need to ask about the Sunday lunches.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2019 20:07

My older two were the only Grandchildren for a long time and of course we were inundated with invitations then

Maybe they feel you've had your turn? As they need to choose as they can't take so many folks all at once?

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