AIBU saying no to PIL

[pattieslapper]

Over the past 6-7 years we haven't seen PIL as much as we used to.
Several probable reasons, DH started working away and I can't drive so hard for us to fit in a visit after school as kids got older and started more clubs and activities and PIL have three more grandchildren to divide time with.

We used to visit on a Sunday after church but as two of DH's siblings have lunch with PIL every Sunday and once they had children it became awkward explaining to ours that they weren't staying too. So we see them at church and head home.

We moved two years ago and now live very close to PIL. On our free day I sometimes call in after school although they are usually out or on the way out. We often see them in the morning on the way to school and DC ask to visit or PIL say "we'll must take them to school one day or pick them up" it has only happened a handful of times.

DH's eldest sibling works in a different country and comes back for several months each summer with his family. They have a house close by. Their kids and my youngest kids are close in age and get on very well. Every time they visit PIL I get a phone call asking for my two to go and visit or on a trip etc.
My two love it but I can't help feel they are being a bit used. Then there's the inevitable questions as to why they aren't having a sleepover/dinner with PIL too.

MIL asked if they can visit next week and I've since heard from DH that BIL and his wife are going away so they're looking after the kids again.
Is it petty of me to say my kids can't go?

Can you say something like, "The chn get a bit upset when they see their cousins staying with you and they're not included. Is there any way we could arrange for them all to be included together?"

Maybe they could all make a blanket fort and 'camp out' (in) together? If they took their own duvets etc it would mean less laundry for your inlaws. Or, maybe they could have a picnic and you could take some food along too?

We used to visit after church. DH's other siblings would also be there at church then also go back but stay for lunch.
Once they also had children it became awkward because our kids would be happily all playing together with their cousins and then once the food would be nearly ready and we'd have to go.
Our younger kids were always asking why we had to go home once dinner was served when their cousins were staying to eat.
You know how little kids are tactless.

OP, it’s sad that you couldn’t just say that you aren’t invited to these lunches.

Your PIL sound horrible. If they can’t fit everyone for lunch then they should take it in turns. Inviting just two siblings for lunch every week whilst waiting for the third sibling to go home before serving lunch is terrible behaviour.

Why do they do this? Do you invite them for dinner?

These are his parents!? I cant believe they never invited you for sunday lunch and he never asked them why not when his siblings were invited. ?

Personally i would let them go but then say something along the lines of "it qould be lovely for dc to see a bit more of you without cousins. Perhaps we could arrange that" if they do nothing then perhaps next time make your excuses and cut ties a bit. They dont sound very nice

DH won't say much. He had made a few sarcastic comments in the past when we've had to drag a crying toddler out but that's about it. I'm not going to say anything as it would piss DH off.

For a start, don't say anything. But DH needs to ask his parents why you're never invited to lunch. It is entirely possible that they think you don't WANT to stay. In which case, they may think that you don't want the children to be with them alone, except when their cousins are around.

Honestly, please ask DH to have an open and frank conversation. That way, if it turns out they're just dicks, you can make decisions based on that knowledge. If it turns out it's a huge misunderstanding, you can all move along. it's clear the DC love the grandparents. It's equally clear that when they DO see them, they get on well with their grandparents.

So have a conversation! please.

or talk to the sibling - ask them if they know why your'e not invited or if they have ever felt uncomfortable.

Honestly, my family aren't exactly the type that have long involved meaningful conversations every day but we could cover this at least.

Have you got 4 children? How many children do the siblings have?

Sorry op I just don't understand the Sunday roast thing

I find it a bit sad that you’re never invited to lunch when the others are; I can understand why that would be awkward. If it’s too much to cook for everyone then surely they should vary who they invite/take turns?
I’d be tempted not to let my children go but it’d be sad for them to miss out on seeing their cousins

H won't say much. He had made a few sarcastic comments in the past when we've had to drag a crying toddler out but that's about it. I'm not going to say anything as it would piss DH off.

You have a DH problem.

So what you're saying is that PIL don't bother with you or your dc on a day to day basis, and despite living close by your family is also excluded from the sunday dinners?
You also have a relationship with the cousins independent of PIL?

So WHY are you allowing them to dictate contact?
Just tell them straight that YOU will arrange play dates with he cousins yourself at a time that suits you.

As for your DH being sarcastic - is that aimed at you?
If it is then put him in his place.

We have 4
Sib 1 has 2
Sib 2 has 1
Sib 3 has 2

We usually do a meal for all of them, PIL siblings and children around Christmas time and then around our kids birthdays and on DH's birthday, I suppose I could invite them more often.

Well either the pils are unspeakably awful or there’s been some sort of misunderstanding. And there’s only one way to find out. But don’t stop your children playing with their cousins- it’s not their fault.

I can't imagine my parents having a sibling and their family over, but I had to leave. In fact I'd probably say goodbye at church... I must get home and make a start on lunch.

I think it says a lot about the relationship your DH has with his parents, because my parents would expect us all to stay and be offended if we didn't.

I understand how you feel and why you never said anything. It's for your DH to deal with.

I also get how you feel your kids are being used. They're never interested unless to keep their cousins company.

I think I'd tell them I have other plans... but you'll bring them over on X date or X date if that's okay. I bet none of the dates will be suitable.

Why did you keep going back on sundays when they were treating your family like that?

I'm guessing having your DC's playing with the cousins makes life easier for PIL's
I think I'd be doing something else that day myself. Take your DC's somewhere nice and let PIL's entertain their preferred Grandchildren.

But but but why didn’t the other siblings say “ hang on why isn’t our brother and family staying for lunch? “ is there something missing here OP?

I can’t imagine anyone keep putting themselves and their dc through that

As for kids being 'tactless', yes they can be - but it usually has at least a grain of truth behind it.
The kids picked up on the favouritism from their grandparents - what a shame the adults tolerate it and continue to kowtow to them.
Not a good example for kids to learn.

As for your DH being sarcastic - is that aimed at you?
No the sarcasm isn't aimed at me, it's was at PIL.

You have a DH problem.

DH is great. He doesn't want to argue with his parents. I understand that.

Just to be clear we don't go back on Sundays any more

Sorry op I just don't understand the Sunday roast thing 

Sorry what don't you understand?

I suppose I could invite them more often.

But when do they invite you? Don’t invite them more if they never invite you!

OP, ignore the hard of understanding.

DH is great. He doesn't want to argue with his parents. I understand that.

Even if PILS behaviour is upsetting his DC? OK.

OP, Could the problem be financial?