DD3’s curly hair becoming matted, dry, rough

[IAmJustSoTired]

AIBU to think something is going seriously wrong with my daughter’s hair and that it shouldn’t be THIS bad?!

She has curly/wavy hair. It starts off straight but falls into curls and waves. It used to be beautiful, shiny and soft but for the past few months is turning into a mess.

The picture attached shows her hair when I opened her (loose) bun after she woke up in the morning. It is completely matted, dry and tangled.

When she bathed, I shampoo and condition it. It looks great for one day, then reverts back to being a mess.

If it helps, she also suffers from nits - they come and go but we treat them every time she gets them (from family members who refuse to treat their kids heads properly!!!) but still, I feel like the constant medication might have taken a toll on her hair.

Should I chop off her hair?
Is there a product that could help?
Any tips for girls with curly-ish hair?
What can I do to help my daughter because it’s horrible seeing her upset when we end up inevitably spraying detangling spray all over and trying to run a brush through the matted mess her hair used to be so lovely and now it’s just a mess! I feel like cutting it and starting over.

I have thick curly hair which is a strong trait in my Father's side of the family, both our children also have this.

My Mother had very straight hair and didn't have a clue. She used to pull at my hair with a brush as a young child to the point of tears every single morning. It didn't help that we only had a bath once a week in the 1960s and there was no hair conditioner ever in our house.

When our children were young I kept their hair short and used conditioner at every wash. I taught them to brush their own hair whilst conditioner was in their hair after shampooing at bath time, after that all tangles were gone.

My daughter did grow her hair when she was able to manage this herself in later primary school years. These days she uses GHD straighteners to keep it long.

All kids get nits from time to time, you just need to keep a nit comb for after bath times following conditioner and treat accordingly. Try to allow the child to use this themselves as it is much less painful.

My DD has hair like that.

I use treseme (the blue one) it's the only shampoo I have everything used on my own hair that hasn't needed conditioner after/

I towel dry it and pleat it from the bottom of her head. Keeps it from tangling and the next morning it just needs taken out and repleated. It also reduces the chance of nits by keeping her hair close to her head.

Oh and I use a wet brush pro

my daughter has curly hair.. i literally wash it in water in the bath and i brush it coating it in conditioner.. i dont wash the conditioner out.. i find curly hair doesn't get greasy so you can use a lot of product fine..also, curly hair doesn't need combing as much as you think :) although i can understand you need to with the nits. maybe the itching makes it all matted. just keep at the nits every day untill they go. i did actually find nit stuff made my daughter's hair less curly and bouncy for a bit

@AnnonniMoose your daughters hair is beautiful 😍

OP i know the struggle; try these...

Tangle teaser
Spray bottle for water
Silk/satin pillowcase (try amazon)
Shea moisture coconut smoothie/lush rnb

Wet the hair before applying the leave in and brush through, just remember to use the leave in sparingly. It will help the hair retain moisture and encorage the curl pattern rather than just frizz.

My son has hair like your daughter’s. He moved a lot in his sleep and is always putting things in his hair. He hates having his hair washed and detangled yet still continues to our things in it.

I wet my son’s hair before he gets out of bath. I’ll pat it so it’s not dripping. Don’t rub because it causes more frizz and roughens the hair shaft. While it is damp I use:

Soultanicals I Can’t Believe It’s Knot Butta

Ingredients: Mango Butter, Shea Butter, Castor Oil, Meadowfoam Seed Oil, Organic Coconut Milk, Rice Bran Oil, Coconut Oil, Behentrimonium Methosulfate, Cetyl Alcohol, Creamed Honey, Jamaican Black Castor Oil, Panthenol, Sodium Lactate, Guar Gum, Potassium Sorbate, Citric Acid, Phlalate-Free Fragrance

Tangle Teezer for Wet Hair

The “Butta” is $16 but I think I paid 10-15 pounds shipping included when I bought it. It’s in a 240ml container but a little goes a long way. I use it 1-2 times a week and I’ve had it for about 9 months and still have 1/3 left.

I take a 50p size amount, rub it in my hands and pat it all over his hair before stroking it downwards through the hair and adding bits more to the heavily tangled areas. I start from the nape of his neck and brush from root to tip gently and work my way up his head. If it is a particularly rough tangle, I add a touch of it to the hair and leave some on my fingertips and gently detangle with my fingers. The whole process takes about 10-15 min depending how many tangles he has and how cooperative he is during it. I let his hair air-dry afterwards.

Between washes I just wet his hair either by spraying it or just using a few handfuls from the sink just to dampen his hair a bit, add a dime size amount, run it through his curls and let it air-dry. Can use it on dry hair, but I prefer when it’s wet.

Look up the curly girl method. There is a great page on Facebook. I started it 2.5 years ago with my curly dc and never looked back. It isn't as simple as just washing with conditioner though so have a read if the rules or feel free to ask if you need any advice. In that time I have never had a brush near her hair, it just causes frizz. Re the nits I comb twice a week with lots and lots of conditioner and a nitty gritty comb (more if I find anything) it doesn't seem to do much harm to the curl pattern. Satin pillow will help the overnight matting

My hair is like that! I find using a mild shampoo every other day and just water in between and I have leave in detangling conditioning spray

For a cheap cg product, garnier ultimate blends almond crush is an amazing conditioner. I use it as a shampoo, conditioner and leave in on wash day then every morning spray with water and run it through with my fingers. We have tons of conditioners/products as I got carried away at the start but really could get by just with that alone

I have exactly the same hair type, so listen. Wash her hair with body wash, as it's milder than shampoo. As soon as she is out of the bath, dry excess water wit a towel, put a good blob of any moisturiser on, spread over your hands and run through her hair until no tangles are left. Repeat with smaller blobs of moisturiser in mornings with no wash.

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:
a) use a hair dryer
b) use a brush
c) leave her hair unloosened overnight

For extra dry days, like heatwaves, use a bit of great burdock oil instead of after shower moisturiser.

I have very thick hair that is wavy with a few curls. You can’t wash curly or thick or wavy hair as often as you would fine and straight hair. I probably wash my hair with shampoo only once every 10-12 days, with a Fiji detoxing shampoo from the body shop to get rid of the taming stuff I’ve put on in the preceding days. I use a touch of dry shampoo if it’s getting greasy, but otherwise avoid shampoo as much as possible.

The Denman detangling brush, and Kerastase in the gold tube, called something like silk veil. It’s expensive but lasts ages. I treat my hair with coconut oil as often as possible too, and find it very nourishing and makes a huge difference.

Looks very similar to my DDs hair. I wash it every two nights and she wakes up like this every morning.

It's ringlet curly otherwise, but have to wet it every day or it's a total tangled mess, nothing else works, conditioning and oils just flatten it and it can't be brushed.

The nit stuff has silicone in it which can coat the hair. This coat then builds up and the hair gets all crunchy and matted after a while.

It’s the same with certain shampoo and conditioners - there’s a build up of product.

The same happens with mine and my daughter’s hair - there’s a horrible build up which feels like straw.

I don’t use silicone based shampoos or conditioners for this reason.

Also I would highly recommend that you plait your dd’s hair after washing and before bedtime while it is still wet. Then in the morning you can spray with water and it’ll look great.

Again I can not recommend plaiting wet hair before bedtime enough! Buns just don’t cut it.

It’s even better if you divide it into four sections and plait each one.

My family are part Afro-Caribbean so dealing with curly hair is a matter of course. A bun at bedtime would be a disaster.

Again I can not recommend plaiting wet hair

I'm going to try this, thanks. Only problem is it starts to curl seconds after I've wet it and is still twisted and tangled even when soaked. And also I'm shockingly bad at hair.

You're right about bed buns, or even ponytails, even more of a disaster!

Speaking as a proud ringlet owner, @DrVonPatak has it EXACTLY right

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:
a) use a hair dryer
b) use a brush
c) leave her hair unloosened overnight

This advice and using the curly girl method has changed my hair totally and now I love leaving it super curly!

I think this thread shows that the care of v curly ringlet-type hair can be different to wavy, and there are varying degrees of coarseness and thickness. It's a minefield, OP!

Thanks again to everyone who has been contributing; your suggestions have been really helpful and I’m going to go out today to buy some basics like a spray bottle, CG friendly products, a tangle brush... maybe even that silk pillow!

Also, everyone who contributed pics - such beautiful hair! @YesQueen your hair right now is sooo beautiful and is officially my inspo for our CG journey!!! I’m so impressed with your before and after difference. Even working at it for a whole year is worth that result 👌🏽

Keep the suggestions coming - I hope other curly ladies can benefit from the wealth of info that everyone has added here

@MhysaMhysa your daughters hair is so similar to my DDs in the morning!! Goodness me, we really have our hands full with these curly mops

If you only remember 5 things from this thread:

1. Wash once, max twice a week. Only with conditioner. If hair particularly dirty then use sulfate free shampoo (try the Shea Moisture hair product range, it's for curly hair and theirs are the only products I use on my hair now - the black castor oil shampoo is great).

1. Use leave in conditioner everyday. In the morning spritz hair with water and leave in conditioner.

3 . Plait/ twist or hold hair up in the night to sleep. Bonus points for silk hair wrap and pillow.

1. NEVER brush her hair dry. Ever. It's so bad for curly hair. I would only brush after wash and conditioning, and finger comb after the morning spritz.

1. For particularly dry curly hair use lotions and conditioners. As I've said I only use the Shea Moisture range.

Glad you have some good tips. Plaits seem to be less stressful on the hair overall anyway with pulling and just make your whole life easier!

My DD has ruined hers with hair straighteners now she is 16 and when it’s straight all you can see are the dead frazzled bits floating about. She won’t listen to me anymore but I am internally sad at the state of her hair and how much effort I put into it when she was little!

Also... LOL at my name change fail!!!! I really am “just so tired” 😅😅

My daughter has very curly hair too and easily becomes very tangled. I use shampoo then loads of conditioner and give it a good brush while the conditioner is in before I rinse it. Seems to help. I use my shampoo and conditioner on it. Has she had it cut yet? A little trim will get rid of all the fuzz at the ends and make it more manageable but it won’t look any shorter!

As the mother of a mixed race child who has tight curls but not Afro hair I CANNOT recommend curly kids hair enough.

They specialise in curly hair care for kids of different backgrounds.

I’d also say consider investing in a blissy pillowcase. They’re £35 at the moment but from a curly hair family they’re so worth the money. They’re silk which doesn’t tangle hair when you’re asleep making morning brushing so much easier.

Also a leave in conditioner and tangle teasing when wet.

In addition try ‘protective hairstyles’ essentially styles that last longer than a day. French hair-braids etc thus keeping her hair out of her face and confined. I would think this could also reduce nits?

Curly hair is a nightmare when you’re not used to it.

It took me twenty years to get mine under control after a childhood of my very straight haired mum dragging a hairbrush through my hair with no idea how to maintain curly hair.

Also, when brushing with the conditioner in, start from the ends and work your way up to the top as you get the tangles out, don’t brush from the top as will pull her hair. Hold the hair when getting big tugs out so it’s not pulling on her scalp