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Original poster

To date despite my 9 year old hating me?

89 replies

hurryupautumn · 29/07/2019 09:25

I'm looking for some advice.

I've been spilt up from my daughters dad for 15 months. My daughter lives mostly with me but sees her dad often. She's 9 years old.

He has a girlfriend, not sure how long but for a while. My DD is very happy about this, and is very much part of their family, stays over, goes on days out etc.

I've recently started seeing someone, very very early days. It's just nice to have some company again. I'm not looking to rush into anything. Anyway, she's seen some messages off him on my phone and has thrown a fit. She's really upset and angry. Saying I can't see him again, that she doesn't trust me as I've been going out with him and she 'didn't know'.

She's making me feel such a rubbish mum like I've done something wrong. Obviously I didn't tell her I was going on a few dates! She's 9. Am I not entitled to a private life?

She's told me to stop seeing him. I've not agreed to it because I'm not going to lie to her.

Can anyone offer me some advice on how to handle this situation. She's angry and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 29/07/2019 09:30

She likes her dads girl friend because her dad isn't her security you are iyswim, she is feeling insecure that new man will take up your time I think you need to stop telling her you are going on dates unless new man is serious and he can meet her.

BogglesGoggles · 29/07/2019 09:32

Get her some therapy? Definitely don’t put your life on hold completely for her sake. It will be a burden to her later in life and will send the wrong message now.

Fizzypoo · 29/07/2019 09:33

Erm shes 9, she can't tell you what to do.

You are allowed a private life, you are allowed another relationship.

Your dd needs to feel secure, and you enforcing boundaries that you are the parent and she is not in charge will help. DC don't feel safe when they get their own way. Boundaries make DC feel safe.

VivienneHolt · 29/07/2019 09:33

She needs lots and lots and lots and lots of reassurance. Don't lie and tell her you won't see him again, but I think you need to absolutely love bomb her with reassurance that he isn't about to move in, that she doesn't have to meet him, that things aren't going to change for her, that her home will stay the same. She will be imagining that everything is about to change, just when she has got used to a new arrangement.

Original poster
hurryupautumn · 29/07/2019 09:35

@Mrsjayy thanks. I do see what you mean. I didn't mean for her to find out, but she figured it out and now I don't want to lie to her.

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 29/07/2019 09:38

Gently just tell her that, as is her dad, you are entitled to a life but that you are just looking for some adult company and nothing too serious?
My 9 year old would understand this although would also not like it I think.
Don't give in to her - you do have a right to a life/some fun and one day she may think you were great for doing this.
Also - don't let her on your phone anymore! Can you put a new pass code on it?

finn1020 · 29/07/2019 09:38

A 9 year old cannot be given that sort of power over you. You should tell her that you will continue to see him but she won’t be meeting him unless you feel it might be a serious relationship like her dad and his girlfriend. She will probably be angry but you are the parent and she is the child. Just continue to reassure her that she’s the most important person in your life and that won’t change, and be patient and try not to show any anger or impatience with her.

Mrsjayy · 29/07/2019 09:39

Ah right well I think vivienneHolts advice is fab she needs reassusurance X 100 don't think of it being unfair that her dad gets to be.. and just concentrate on her whilst still seeing new man she is allowed to be annoyed /angry but it is how it is dealt with that will help her.

Original poster
hurryupautumn · 29/07/2019 09:50

Thanks all. Really sound advice. Yeah, I just keep on as I was. Bring firm but also giving her lots and lots of love, which I have. I will change my passcode for sure!

OP posts:
Original poster
hurryupautumn · 29/07/2019 09:51

I appreciate she won't understand relationships at 9! Like I say it's very early days and I would never ever dream of introducing anyone to her for a long time. It's just nice to get dressed up and have some company again xx

OP posts:
MoltoAgitato · 29/07/2019 09:55

Cut your DD some slack, her parents' break up is a massive deal to her, and if you are the primary carer then yes, you are going to have to take account of your DDs feelings more than her dad. I think it is still very early days for her. Not saying live like a nun until DD is 30, but she's not coping well at the moment. I would put things with the bloke on hold, and use that time to have talks with your DD about what you want your life to look like in future.

There are many, many stories from women on here who wished their parents had not rushed into another relationship.

Buyitinbamboo · 29/07/2019 10:01

Ahh I kind of feel for her, I remember being about 7/8 and feeling the same. It didn't bother me that my dad had a new family because I felt a bit meh about him anyway but me and my mum were so close I hated the idea of her getting a new boyfriend. I didn't react how she did however, and she can't control your life, she will need to get over it.

Lots of reassurance as you are doing and she will understand.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2019 10:04

That's very controlling of her - how would she feel if you said she couldn't have any friends?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 29/07/2019 10:05

Why on earth should OP put her relationship 'on hold'? She's entitled to a life of her own!

Mostly very good advice on here re boundaries and reassurance for the DD. She cannot be allowed to control her mum's life. OP seems very sensible and caring of her DD and I'm sure will take all the good points here onboard.

hadthesnip2 · 29/07/2019 10:08

What @Mrsjayy said. Please be very careful about when you introduce any new boyfriend to your daughter & keep reassuring her that she us your no 1 priority.

My ex-wife had a habit of being with a new boyfriend every few months. The last one starting staying over within months. My dc's are 15, 14 & 12 and they felt they were being pushed out. It all came to a head late last year & now they all live with me as my ex seemingly couldn't put their needs over hers.

I'm not saying you shouldn't date, but your daughter should come first, second & third. It might seem harsh but she has been through a lot & sees you as her rock & protector. Dont do anything to upset the apple cart. My daughter is 14 & has not talked to her mum for 8 months because of what happened.

Oly4 · 29/07/2019 10:09

Don’t put the relationship on hold, you are entitled to meet somebody new and move on. Reassure your daughter that she is number one but that adults also have relationships and that you would like to date somebody new. Ultimately she needs to learn that she can’t dictate but that she will always feel your love and reassurance

FreddiesMammy · 29/07/2019 10:12

I think you need to talk to your daughter and understand why she feels this way and give her lots of reassurance

LonelyTiredandLow · 29/07/2019 10:13

I remember being about 7/8 and feeling the same. It didn't bother me that my dad had a new family because I felt a bit meh about him anyway but me and my mum were so close I hated the idea of her getting a new boyfriend

This - you are her rock (her dad isn't/hasn't been/isn't expected to be) so ultimately she is super attached to you. You need a lot of reassurance, time, baby steps and ways to make it fun to her. My dd would kill for me to have a partner (nearly 8) as she wants a daddy Hmm but I do wonder at the realities of me sharing my time if I did meet someone. I think women are more likely to have put their lives on hold for DC, so it doesn't come naturally. Once they get a little more independent it frees up time for having a life again, which is perfectly natural.

RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling · 29/07/2019 10:14

I think you're projecting, hadthesnip. There's not a thing in OP's posts to suggest that her daughter doesn't come first.

Original poster
hurryupautumn · 29/07/2019 10:16

I don't know what to do. She's threatening to pack her bags and go and stay at her dads?!

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/07/2019 10:17

I'd be sympathetic but not overly pandering.
She needs to know that you are not going to stop seeing him. That at 9 she has no say in what happens in your personal life but that as before nothing will change.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/07/2019 10:17

Say no. She's 9. She can threaten whatever she wants. Who's going to drive her? She does what she's told.

Original poster
hurryupautumn · 29/07/2019 10:17

I've not rushed into anything... it's been 14 months since I split with her dad and I wouldn't DREAM of even bringing a man round to the house. Thanks for all your lovely advice. I do appreciate where she's coming from, it's so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurryupautumn · 29/07/2019 10:19

@Contraceptionismyfriend - I'm just letting her have her moment. She won't be going to her dads. Like you say, how does she plan on getting there.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurryupautumn · 29/07/2019 10:22

I sat down with her this morning and gave her lots of cuddles. I asked her what she was most worried about would happen and reassured her that nothing in her life would change. That she's my number one priority and my baby girl and I'll always love her more than anything.

OP posts:
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