To date despite my 9 year old hating me?

[hurryupautumn]

I'm looking for some advice.

I've been spilt up from my daughters dad for 15 months. My daughter lives mostly with me but sees her dad often. She's 9 years old.

He has a girlfriend, not sure how long but for a while. My DD is very happy about this, and is very much part of their family, stays over, goes on days out etc.

I've recently started seeing someone, very very early days. It's just nice to have some company again. I'm not looking to rush into anything. Anyway, she's seen some messages off him on my phone and has thrown a fit. She's really upset and angry. Saying I can't see him again, that she doesn't trust me as I've been going out with him and she 'didn't know'.

She's making me feel such a rubbish mum like I've done something wrong. Obviously I didn't tell her I was going on a few dates! She's 9. Am I not entitled to a private life?

She's told me to stop seeing him. I've not agreed to it because I'm not going to lie to her.

Can anyone offer me some advice on how to handle this situation. She's angry and I don't know what to do.

You need to talk to each other and acknowledge the other's feelings.

You need that kind of company/ relationship.
She needs to know that you are stable and there for her. 9 is young and 15 months since you split is fairly recent and fresh in the memory to her. She is still adjusting to change. She had accepted the changes in her dad's circumstances, but that pushes more of her emotional and attachment needs on to you.

Often around that age, when they lash out and are their least pleasant, that's when they need the most love, attention and reassurance.

Absolutely keep living your own life, but extra reassurance for her that she isn't going to be replaced, your affection isn't going to be taken away etc. If she is secure with you she won't feel threatened by a potential newcomer.

@MoltoAgitato disagree. 15 months later is hardly rushing is it!! Child should not be able to dictate Mother's whole life like that. She doesn't need to meet him yet but mum should have freedom to enjoy herself a bit!

I know my daughter is older but that is excatly what she did. Obviously at that age she has a phone. Called me to say she couldnt stay in the house any longer & could I collect her. Packed a suitcase & everything.

Situation was different as there was also a lot going on with her younger sibling. We think he might have autism & he was kicking off with ex-wife's boyfriend. Nonetheless U went over & picked her up. Might your ex do that...??

Careful with that. My 8 year old said he was leaving. We live out in the sticks. I said 'see you later, then'. He packed a bag and walked over a mile into the village. Luckily my hunch about where to find him was correct, but lack of transport never stopped an angry kid going off into the blue.

She's 9. You're the adult. She's playing you and ex. Don't let her - very unkind on her in the long run.

Perhaps she's not so ok with sharing her dad, does he make 1-2-1 time for her. She may fear now she will be pushed out by new bf too. Lots of reassurance, don't compare to dad situation. Let her regress a bit.
Kids think in different ways because they don't understand all the nuance. My partners daughter 5 was fine with me visiting until she found out I also see him when she's not there!

I've just told her she's not stepping foot out of the front door and to go and play with her friend who is here today.

She's acting very cocky with such an attitude.

I just keep telling her I love her and nothing will change. I know if I told my ex this he would have a word with her about me being able to have my own life, but to be honest this is between me and my daughter and I don't really want him knowing anything about my life if I can help it. Like I say, it's very very early days. She keeps saying she wants 'proof' that he's not my boyfriend.

@Missingstreetlife - I don't think he makes enough one on one time with her to be honest. Everything they seem to do these days involves his new family. I did suggest he still maintain one on one time when her first started seeing her, but I got called controlling so I haven't mentioned it again since.

That's very controlling of her - how would she feel if you said she couldn't have any friends?

🙄 Oh FFS sake she's a 9 year old who is feeling insecure and scared. What a ridiculous comparison.

OP, for the vast majority of young children their family unit is their anchor in the world. Her family splitting up will have been absolutely earth shattering for her. Much more so than it will have been for you or her dad. She may have seemed accepting or unmoved, but I think a lot of people underestimate the impact that divorce usually has on children regardless of how they seem to react. 15 months is a very short period of time for your daughter to adjust and move on. I know this is an unpopular opinion on here and everyone is all about the parents' right to forge a new life, but your daughter will still really need your full focus right now. She has seen her dad start a new partnership, and she can see you starting a new partnership, which leaves her probably feeling rather stranded on her own. As others have said, she will hold you to different standards because you are her number one relationship in the whole world. She is terrified that she is no longer yours. Most kids don't feel that their mum's relationship with their dad is a threat to them, but a new partner who's not their parent is a different kettle of fish entirely. Obviously I'm going against the grain, but I think it's probably just way too soon.

15 months is no time at all, frankly, to get over the break up of your parents.

Remove the screen notifications from your phone and change passcode if she knows it for the future.

Don’t put your life on hold but be careful RE introducing the two. I’d wait until you’ve been in a solid relationship for at least six months before introducing.

She is hurt because you offer security and a safety net in a way her Dad just doesn’t.

Poor, poor little girl she sounds desperately confused.

I am single by choice. However my DD confided in me she was glad I didn’t date, she was very open and said that she values our time just me and her. Her dad is similarly married again and she is quite happy with the situation.

The children of separated parents need massive reassurance that they won’t be replaced or displaced. She will have any number of worries about an adult situation she isn’t able to process properly.

Lots of love needed.

Her life has been turned upside down and she relies on you more than her dad.

You shouldn't put your life on hold but keep finding ways to reassure her that she'll always be your number one priority.

Thanks. Such great varied advice.

We have a week abroad very soon, just the two of us. I am going to shower her with love and fun and show her that she's my number one. My phone will be staying in the safe all week.

I've seen this from the other side OP because my bf has a daughter who is a bit older than your DD. He is her main carer and has been split from her mother for several years. She is not happy that he has a girlfriend. He was up front from the beginning about seeing me - not making an announcement of it, just general chat about what he was doing at the weekend when she was at her mum's.

Once it became clear that we're serious about each other I did meet her. She didn't like it. She was fine with me, she doesn't like her dad having a relationship. So basically we've backed right off. His time with her is one on one time with her. She doesn't really see me except occasionally in passing. I only see him when she's at her mum's. However, he has been really firm with her that he is allowed a private life and that I am company for him when she isn't around. She seems to accept that.

It will test your relationship but that's no bad thing. Essentially we've both put the child's needs first whilst also being very clear that her dad, as primary carer, is still allowed a private life. It seems to be working at the moment!

My ex-wife had a habit of being with a new boyfriend every few months. The last one starting staying over within months. My dc's are 15, 14 & 12 and they felt they were being pushed out. It all came to a head late last year & now they all live with me as my ex seemingly couldn't put their needs over hers.

Who says that just because your ex-wife has a new partner she can't put their needs above hers ? Is she supposed to become a celibate nun having left such a marvellous person as you?

@Belenus - that's so helpful to hear. You sound like a lovely lady and I'm absolutely sure your boyfriends daughter will appreciate having you in her life when she's ready.

My DD doesn't have to meet him for a long long time. Who knows what will happen. A few months time it might not even be a thing. Like your bf though, I make it clear that I'm the adult and I'm entitled to adult company.

I would ask her dad to have a quiet word with her, I know you don’t want to get him involved but she’s likely to tell him anyway.

Just reassure her and tell we you will continue to see this man but she doesn’t have to worry about meeting him, you can date him whilst she’s at her dads. My dc’s are a bit older and I think they feel differently about their dad having a gf to me dating anyone, this is their home and they worry about me bringing a man into it, they are used to it being just me and them. When I date anyone I try and keep it away from the house, date when they are at their dads or in the evenings and I reassure them that I don’t plan on moving anyone into our home. They get on very well with their dads gf but at the end of the day they only see her once a week and don’t have to live with her.

I dated at the weekends, when my children were at their Dad's.

I could have written this post myself. My DD is 10 and hated the idea of me seeing someone. I only told her I had a new friend and might go out for dinner sometimes after we'd been togetehr 6 months and I was sure it was serious. But she is coming round now that she sees I'm not being ' taken away' and that she is still my focus. Be patient, OP.

Thanks, Hurryupautumn. One of the things I like about my bf is that he takes his responsibilities seriously. He prioritises his daughter which means our relationship has to be fairly low key at the moment. I figure if it works out between us in the long run she will, hopefully, come to see me as an addition to her life rather than a threat. And if it doesn't work out, well there's no point in having her upset for nothing so we just have to go slowly!

I remember when my Dad first starting seeing the woman (who is now my step-mum). It shook me to the core and I acted like your daughter. I felt outraged and hurt.

Didn’t give a shit that my Mum also had a boyfriend because she’s the one that moved out. My Dad had full custody of us. I couldn’t put my finger on it as a child but it was 100% to do with security. I felt like it meant I was no longer important and that my Dad would leave too.

She’ll come around, lots and lots of reassurance while at the same time being clear you have the right to date.

So your daughter only knows about him through looking at your phone?

She wants proof he's not a boyfriend-how bloody cheeky of her!

But maybe she finds the situation with her dad & his gf more diffiicult than anyone realises?

If she gets no 121 with him, she must be terrified of losing that with you as well.

You cant be ruled by a 9 year old.
Just reassure her that she comes first but I too have a life.
Just like your Father.