To date despite my 9 year old hating me?

[hurryupautumn]

I'm looking for some advice.

I've been spilt up from my daughters dad for 15 months. My daughter lives mostly with me but sees her dad often. She's 9 years old.

He has a girlfriend, not sure how long but for a while. My DD is very happy about this, and is very much part of their family, stays over, goes on days out etc.

I've recently started seeing someone, very very early days. It's just nice to have some company again. I'm not looking to rush into anything. Anyway, she's seen some messages off him on my phone and has thrown a fit. She's really upset and angry. Saying I can't see him again, that she doesn't trust me as I've been going out with him and she 'didn't know'.

She's making me feel such a rubbish mum like I've done something wrong. Obviously I didn't tell her I was going on a few dates! She's 9. Am I not entitled to a private life?

She's told me to stop seeing him. I've not agreed to it because I'm not going to lie to her.

Can anyone offer me some advice on how to handle this situation. She's angry and I don't know what to do.

This is definitely a hard thing to accept at her age. But it’s tough. She needs to understand that she will always come first in all important matters, but she she can’t dictate to you who you see or spend time with. She’s 9.

The biggest issue is this child has been through a big trauma. She is a child. A child whose life has been turned upside down. She needs compassion and reassurance. It must feel to her like her world is shaking beneath her feet and she doesn't know how to stop it.
Be there for her OP. She needs you.

Thanks @PinkGlitter123 . It wasn't an easy decision to leave her dad. I tried to make it work for years but he was horrendous to me. I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong at the moment, but I know it's not about me, it's about my beautiful daughter.

I'm 100% on it. She'll be getting extra love and cuddles. X

A 9 year old has exactly zero right to dictate what you are or are not allowed to do. She's 9 for christ's sake - do children have no respect for adults these days?!

do children have no respect for adults these days?!

Really? We’re not talking about a child acting out. This is a child coming to terms with a very traumatic life experience.

If ever a child has a right to dictate what their parents do it is post separation.

Erm, no. A child has NO right to dictate to the parents, ever. Just because the mother had the audacity to leave a bad relationship doesn't mean that she now has to grovel and pander to a kid.

That's very controlling of her - how would she feel if you said she couldn't have any friends?

Seriously she's 9 and her parents split up 15 months ago. Her mum is her whole world, her security and stability who can blame her for reacting like this.

Erm, no. A child has NO right to dictate to the parents, ever. Just because the mother had the audacity to leave a bad relationship doesn't mean that she now has to grovel and pander to a kid

Completely disagree. I don’t think doing what a child needs during a period of upheaval is grovelling or pandering.

There's a crucial difference between letting a child dictate to you, and putting a child's needs first in certain circumstances. So my bf's daughter does not get to dictate who he can or cannot see. And let's face it, whatever she might think, she doesn't really want that responsibility. But he does put her needs first. Parental splits leave children feeling insecure. It is important to act in a way that makes them feel more secure. This means being very careful with new relationships.

Take it for what it's worth, but I come from a broken family myself, and never did it even occur to me to dictate to my parents re. their private life and relationships (because I was brought up properly, you see. If I didn't like something, I got over it.) Then again, my parents were intelligent people, capable of making me feel secure without pandering to every last whim, whilst enforcing very reasonable boundaries.

Then again, my parents were intelligent people, capable of making me feel secure without pandering to every last whim, whilst enforcing very reasonable boundaries

Ah well. Clearly I’m just an unintelligent single mother than because I don’t see things the way your parents did.

DD is happy, I’m happy. All good.

She got a fright that the stable permanent force in her life, and the ground beneath her feet might be changing. Reassure her that you two are a team and you will not keep anything from her again.

I completely agree with Jacques.
Quite shocked at the comments on here. This is a 9 year old child we are talking about. A little girl. 😐

OP, take care. Sounds like you are on the right track with how to handle all this x

Thanks @PinkGlitter123 , that's much a predicated. She's an astute little thing. I hope by just keeping the conversation open and reassuring her nothing is going to change for her we can get through this.