To date despite my 9 year old hating me?

[hurryupautumn]

I'm looking for some advice.

I've been spilt up from my daughters dad for 15 months. My daughter lives mostly with me but sees her dad often. She's 9 years old.

He has a girlfriend, not sure how long but for a while. My DD is very happy about this, and is very much part of their family, stays over, goes on days out etc.

I've recently started seeing someone, very very early days. It's just nice to have some company again. I'm not looking to rush into anything. Anyway, she's seen some messages off him on my phone and has thrown a fit. She's really upset and angry. Saying I can't see him again, that she doesn't trust me as I've been going out with him and she 'didn't know'.

She's making me feel such a rubbish mum like I've done something wrong. Obviously I didn't tell her I was going on a few dates! She's 9. Am I not entitled to a private life?

She's told me to stop seeing him. I've not agreed to it because I'm not going to lie to her.

Can anyone offer me some advice on how to handle this situation. She's angry and I don't know what to do.

Presumably your daughter wouldn't even have known you're seeing someone were she not snooping on your phone. Can you use that to illustrate to her how nothing changed for her by your dating?

I had exactly the same thing a few months ago with my 9YO, I’ve been split for 3 years, she’s never met anyone I have dated (and that hasn’t been much), but she saw some messages on my phone (very bland), and freaked.

I just had to have a fairly frank conversation with her. Mummy having a boyfriend would not take tome from her (true and she could see that), it didn’t replace her daddy who we would always love, she would not be meeting anyone or having anyone in her space for a very long time and until we were all happy with it, so ultimately it had nothing to do with her right now. And she got to see all her friends, wasn’t it ok for mummy to see hers?

It’s a panic/worry thing for them, that their stability will go.

Few months down the line she saw a text again (little bugger worked out my passcode), and said she didn’t care if I have a BF now but she did want me to say where I am I.e. on a date not saying “working” so he didn’t worry.

So a big turn around.

I can totally see why your daughter is upset but I think YANBU and good for you that you are moving on
Best luck OP

Well firstly pin lock your phone, she shouldn’t be looking at Mums private messages!

I’d be sympathetic to her as I would imagine she’s upset because your her security parent and she’s worried about an unknown coming in. However I wouldn’t be pandering and no way would I stop dating because a 9 year old told me too, explain that yes you have been on dates but at the moment you and he are just friends (it’s not a lie it’s very early days that is all you are) and that you would like a boyfriend in the future but she will always be number 1 and so on.

My 10 year old acted out really badly when I started dating. I was single for years and his dad got married again! He was horrible to me, to his friends and awful at school.

I kept dating but I kept it away from him. He got used to it and went back to normal. We have had to have strict words about my right to a social life and privacy

Reading some more messages above I would say I agree with being honest with her about when you're seeing him. I found that made him feel more secure.

...but I too have a life. Just like your Father.

See, I think that drawing a comparison with her father is the worst thing you could do. If OP is her primary carer and therefore the person in the world who DD is most connected to and most invested in, she may not be bothered about her dad's new girlfriend because although he may no longer put her first (in DD's eyes)/new gf may encroach on their time etc, he is not her anchor in the way that her mother is. To say "me having a boyfriend is just the same as your dad having a girlfriend" doesn't mean that DD will accept it in the same way, because the prospect of her mum not putting her first or focusing on her is absolutely terrifying in a way that it's not when it's her dad.

Thanks all, honestly your advice has been such a great help. I was feeling really overwhelmed this morning, even though in hindsight I was doing a lot of what has been suggested.

She's happily running around with her friend now, making an 'obstacle course' for the hamster. I keep giving her lots of cuddles and telling her I love her. If anything it's made me realise the different way she sees her relationship with my and the way she sees her relationship with her dad.

I'm going to continue to be honest, but not go into to much detail. All I have said is he's a friend of mummy's and I go for a few drinks with him in the week which is the truth. x

Who says that just because your ex-wife has a new partner she can't put their needs above hers? Is she supposed to become a celibate nun having left such a marvellous person as you?

Well clearly the 15, 14 and 12 year old children who are now living with their dad...

I think she's most upset that you weren't honest. Where did you tell her you were? That dishonesty is so destabilising for a child. Your new approach of honesty sounds much better.

I'd continue to see him and make other new friends if that's what you want. You are entitled to a social life. I'd just keep reassuring her and saying that everyone needs friends and company etc.
My friend had this with her 13 year old son, he was much much worse than a jealous husband. Even if she went out for a couple of hours with girlfriends he was ringing up continually demanding to know when she would be back etc!

I don't think kids need to know everything the op is actually entitled to a private life awayvfrom her Dd she told herhe is a friend who she meets for a drink imo the Lg doesn't need to know much else imo.

I know someone like this, her kid is now 11 and still does it.

Her husband passed away suddenly when kid was 5 though. Only started casual dating when kid was 8.

Has to hide it from the daughter.

Omg op
Prioritise your dd over this new flame.
Put a pin on your phone
And stop sharing any info with her

Her whole world has come crumbling down 15 months ago.

And do go all "she figured it out and now i don't want to lie to her" just bloody lie to her. She is only 9. She is your dd. She doesnt need change and worries at the moment. You need to protect her and her little bubble. You are probably the only thing in her life that was the same but is now rocky. ...

@Broken11Girl - I've only met him when she's been at her dads. So I've not had say anything.

How did she see the messages on your phone?

I agree that you should just carry on.

No need to let her know when you're seeing him if she'll be at her dad's when you do!

Continue with the cuddles and reassurance but also make it clear that as the adult "you" make the adult decisions such as where she lives and who is safe for you all to have in your life. Reassure her you do this with her uppermost in your mind but ultimately it is your decision and not one she gets to demand about.

As long as you take it slowly and then when you are ready to introduce do so at a speed your dd is ok with then you will likely strengthen your relationship. However I would firmly ensure she knows what age 9 she doesn't get to make the big decisions YOU do but you do so with her in mind

As another poster said, please cut her some slack.
In the space of 15 months, this childs world has been blown up by her parents separating, her dad obviously jumped into something serious very quickly and now shes probably worried about another change with you meeting someone new. It's a lot of upheaval for a child.
Yes she doesn't get to dictact who you see and what you do but please understand she is most likely scared and unsettled. She needs lots of your love and time.

The take a firm line / you've got your own life to lead brigade are not being sympathetic enough to the DD imv. You will be the one dealing with the consequences of her feeling pushed out and unloved and they could be awful teen years.
Is she really ok playing second/ third or whatever fiddle in her DFs life now? or has she no choice and is forced to put a brave face on something that inwardly breaks her heart.
I think you are doing the right thing OP. Taking it slowly, reassuring her at every opportunity , being a dependable, loving mum and that the new family moving in won't happen in your house any time soon.

Firstly put a password in your phone, and change your message settings.

Secondly she needs to be supported, however she also needs to understand she’s a child and her mothers private life is separate to her, however that you still love her unconditionally.

She’s likely to be feeling vulnerable at the minute,

15 months is a very short time line for her parents splitting up, father moving out of the home, spending time and adapting to 2 homes, fathers girlfriend, and also now her mother dating, and that’s not even including the emotional upheaval.

It’s quite a lot to take for a 9 year old child.

I was messaging him and she came and at next to me on the sofa and saw his name, the message was quite basic but she got the gist. I tried to move my phone but she'd already seen.

My now 12 year old was exactly like this at 9 when she found out I was dating. She went absolutely mental, I wasn't "allowed" to have a boyfriend etc.
When she stayed at her dad's or grandparents I'd get a constant barrage of text messages saying I was with him and its not fair and I shouldn't leave the house when she's not there etc etc etc.

Then she wanted to meet him. Which we did (just the three of us, other Dc met him later).

When he started staying over, she'd play up, slamming doors, being arsey. She said she liked him but couldn't explain why she behaved like she did.

She was fine that her dad had constant girlfriends because "I don't live with him".

Eventually she settled down. I always made time for her, reassured her I wasn't going anywhere, she wasn't going to lose me. As did my OH, he wasn't taken me away from her.

Now we all live together and have a DC on the way and honestly, she couldn't be happier.

She mentions her past behaviour now and again and is quite honestly embarrassed about how she used to react.

@Knickersononeshead - thank you! That's so reassuring to hear. I totally understand it's hard on her. I really do. I won't be rushing into a new relationship, not just because of her but because of me also. The guy that I've been meeting is also happy not to rush. It's all very chilled. He totally gets she's my main priority, everyone who knows me knows she is! She's been happily playing all day, giggling away. I understand she'll be up and down. Like I say, it won't be hot topic of conversation, I won't mention it unless she does.

I get that off her though, the questioning, the 'you're not allowed a boyfriend'. I understand where she's coming from. I would have felt the same at her age.

@Yeahnahmum - I understand what you're saying but I feel it's too far gone. If I say I've stopped seeing him and I 6-12 months thinks have worked out and I'm like 'oh here's that fella I told you I had stopped seeing'. I feel like that would make it worse.

She's my number one priority. Of course.

I know a child in the exact same position too. Sane age, similar circumstances. Parents separated last year, within 5 months child had been introduced to new partners and apparent child is now having "The most fun of his life" due to all these trips and new people he is meeting. My thinking is he may be okay now but what about a year or two down the line when the reality of being a child of divorce hits? When he starts to see the negatives of his situation.
OP it sounds like you put your kid first and are not naieve about things. Stay consistent, listen to her and love the hell out of her. You're the most important person in her world.