To be annoyed that my bill has told new mil I am not changing my name now married?

[Kaz101]

A very minor matter I know but has got my goat ... Late 50s, married in secret recently to partner of 25 years, as we wanted to avoid any fuss. Went from registry office to tell mil. Once word was out bil wife and others were sending congratulatory messages calling me 'Mrs x'. Told bil wife I was keeping my name, had it a long time, couldnt be bothered with the faff of changing bank accounts etc. But said dont tell mil as no need to know and knew it may not go down well.. At mil yesterday who says as soon as we get there .... "BIL says you"re not changing your name, is that right". AIBU to be miffed that he has told her? And do I say anything to him or just ignore? I dont suppose I can dictate what he says and doesnt say!

For heaven’s sake! The whole world will know you haven’t changed your name. Just own your decision.

Just ignore but realise you can’t trust him.

Let it go, she’d surely have found out sooner rather than later. Why bother telling some and not others? She’ll probably send you a Xmas card as Mrs X, my MIL did for years.

If you were happy to make this decision you should be happy to stand by it. Keeping things secret like this is just odd, be honest.

I kept my last name when I got married too. As far as I could see it was my decision and nothing to do with anybody else. You’re not responsible for the feelings of others and certainly don’t owe anybody an explanation.

Good on you I say!! Just don’t trust BIL
with information in the future. Strikes me as the type that likes to stir the pot!

I think its bizarre you thought you could keep it a secret.

It's entirely your decision.

Chances are that it came out in a converstation, by accident, rather than telling tales.

What did you want everyone to do? Lie to mil?

Why are you bothered? Everyone will know soon enough anyway. I didn't change my name and never made a secret of it, it wouldn't have occurred to me to do that. My PIL don't like it but it's not their name, it's mine, so there isn't a right lot they can do about it.

You were going to lie to her instead then?

Might just be the way it comes across, but a secret wedding and secrets with your BIL makes this all sound very controlling!

YANBU to be annoyed. You asked for something and they should have listed. But on this topic you should let it go. It's nothing serious. Also it's kind of an odd request since it is your name. So maybe it came up and they just shared not realizing.
now you know that if you really want something to remain a secret then you don't share with them.

I think you were being a bit hopeful if you thought MIL would never find out but it was wrong of your BIL to tell her when you had asked him to keep it to himself. I wouldn’t trust him again. I might also feed him some ‘fake news’ just to see who gets to hear about it!

How did you intend to keep it secret?

TBH, if my child had married in secret and not even invited me the lack of name change wouldn’t be the area I was cross over.

You’ve made it a lot worse for yourself. You shouldn’t have asked her own family to keep her in the dark. It’s not nice.

You are big enough to calmly give your reasons once and thereafter repeat that you don’t want to be talking about this forever.
I also kept my name, I was 19 and it was 26 years ago, I got questions and a degree of disapproval from a few quarters but even as a teenager it didn’t occur to me to try to hide it.
Apologise to your MIL for asking BIL not to mention it and move on.

Don't let it get to you.
It isn't worth a possible argument.

You are in your late 50s - it's a rule that at that age you don't give a stuff about things like this!

Your BIL should have done as you asked. But surely MIL would have found out anyway?

She won't take the blindest bit of notice anyway

You can't expect that to be kept a secret.
I didn't change my name and MIL didn't take it well. FIL keeps sending mail with the wrong names.
I am not going to hide from it and I think asking a family member to keep a secret from their mum is BU.

Your MIL is BU too but that is a different matter

You told BIL's wife not to tell your MIL, but it was your BIL who told her. Surely the most likely explanation is simply that your BIL's wife said 'she's not changing her name' and forgot to pass on the message about not telling MIL. Or she told him and he wasn't really listening.

Having said all that I think it's really strange to try to keep it a secret anyway.

Secret weddings, secret non-name changes...why?

Own your life choices.

True Simkin, I’ve told my family that I didn’t change my name many many times and they still don’t seem to believe me.

BIL probably didn't think/forgot & accidently mentioned it in passing &mil picked upon it - really in the scheme of things does it matter what she says/thinks about this? Many women for professional reasons keep their name - just shrug shoulders - BIL may well be kicking himself & not have done it deliberately

You can ask people not to tell but you can't ask people to lie.

You don't know whether he told her when unprompted or was asked a direct question.

It was always going to come up at some point. The main issue you appear to have here is an unreasonable MIL, if your decision wouldn't go down well.

Even if your MiL is a bit old fashioned you may find she is more understanding of not wanting to change your name than you think. If she was understanding about the secret register office wedding then she is clearly in favour of the marriage and wishes you well.

How can you keep your name a secret? It's your name, not a tattoo on your arse!

Like others said, own it!