To be annoyed that my bill has told new mil I am not changing my name now married?

[Kaz101]

A very minor matter I know but has got my goat ... Late 50s, married in secret recently to partner of 25 years, as we wanted to avoid any fuss. Went from registry office to tell mil. Once word was out bil wife and others were sending congratulatory messages calling me 'Mrs x'. Told bil wife I was keeping my name, had it a long time, couldnt be bothered with the faff of changing bank accounts etc. But said dont tell mil as no need to know and knew it may not go down well.. At mil yesterday who says as soon as we get there .... "BIL says you"re not changing your name, is that right". AIBU to be miffed that he has told her? And do I say anything to him or just ignore? I dont suppose I can dictate what he says and doesnt say!

Wow, it all sounds quite conservative in their family. Like after 25 years you are now honoured by the blessing of His Name.

Great, so now you know you don’t need to keep any of your in-laws secrets! In fact the easiest way to get mil distracted from your heresy would be to drop a clanger about them.

Fascinated to know how mil expresses this discontent? Did she say something to you? Ergh. I can’t believe people feel they have the right to do that.

Congrats on your wedding,

We have so many things we are not allowed to mention to do with bil; shame he couldnt do the same. Their family prefer to keep mil in the dark on some things because of her attitude.

Well, surely it's up to you whether you choose to go along with all the secrecy? Tell MIL all about BIL's period as a gogo dance/ gambling addiction/string of love children, beam and say 'Oh, I thought we were all spilling the beans now!' and then go on holiday.

Gogo DANCER.

I like your style Boilingfrog and believe me it has crossed my mind...

Wouldn't it be unfortunate if one of BILs secrets was accidentally let slip. Might teach him a thing or two.

And X-post with @Boilingfrog.

It just sounds to me as if everyone is giving ammunition to the cult of Matriarch Who Cannot Be Told The Truth About Anything Or There'll Be Drama, like people pandering to a toddler with pick'n'mix to avoid screaming meltdowns in the frozen food aisle.

I also have a MIL who is capable of creating massive drama, and is usually at outright war with one or other member of the family -- she hasn't spoken to her younger daughter in three years, and has been trying to get her elder brother's pub closed down by complaining about noise or lock-ins to the council because of some slight involving the funeral of another sibling seven years or more ago.

But drama doesn't work if the person you are directing it at finds it mildly amusing and isn't bothered. DH and I made it very clear that we didn't much mind that she was pitching a massive fit about not having been invited to our wedding (no one was -- we'd been together almost as long as the OP and her partner, and just had two witnesses, no photos, flowers, fuss), but as we didn't crawl about apologising, and just said cheerfully, 'Oh well, see you when you've stopped throwing your toys out of the pram', there was no leverage in it for her.

Actually, it taught a lot of the rest of the family things about not rewarding her bad behaviour, and people just tend to yawn and look at their watches and drift off home these days if she tries her diva routines.

just own it god gods sake! secret marriage, secret no-name change. God - will you be telling eveyone to keep it a secret? Why do you think people want to lie for you?

”But said dont tell mil as no need to know”

Of course she needed to know! Ridiculous to think it wouldn’t ever be necessary for her to know her DIL’s name, or that she wouldn’t see post lying around, your driving licence or whatever.

Simple matter of fact statement was all that was necessary, followed by completely ignoring any drama she tried to create.

I do have sympathy with you not wanting the totally unnecessary confrontation with MIL, OP.

DH and I were in our thirties when we met, but he had old parents, so they were 81 and 79 when we got married. His mother was very domineering. I once mentioned in passing that DH didn’t eat breakfast, and she said “Well he should” and every time thereafter asked me if he had started eating breakfast. She seemed to be implying it was my job to make him. So I told her he was an adult who was capable of making his own decisions, and that was the end of that.

However, I must confess that there were plenty of issues that we tiptoed round, sometimes in cahoots with sil and bil, to avoid the unpleasantness they believed would ensue if the truth was told. No lying, just evasion. I went along with it because - their family, their dynamics.

The secret marriage is way more hurtful than the name , she would need to know to address cards correctly or it would have come up in conversation so you are silly thinking it could be kept secret

Congratulations, OP!

I sympathise with you. It's amazing how many people get so worked up about someone elses name isn't it! I got married a few weeks ago and didn't change my name. My mother and sister absolutely insist that "legally" I am Mrs HisName. There's also someone at work who cannot get his head around it and, whenever he wants me to do something, addresses me as Mrs HisName. I honestly sit there seething!

Did your mil, by chance, ever see anything nasty in a woodshed in her youth?

Is your husband’s name Seth or Reuben?

You should sit there and not do it twistedstrawberry.