To be annoyed that my bill has told new mil I am not changing my name now married?

[Kaz101]

A very minor matter I know but has got my goat ... Late 50s, married in secret recently to partner of 25 years, as we wanted to avoid any fuss. Went from registry office to tell mil. Once word was out bil wife and others were sending congratulatory messages calling me 'Mrs x'. Told bil wife I was keeping my name, had it a long time, couldnt be bothered with the faff of changing bank accounts etc. But said dont tell mil as no need to know and knew it may not go down well.. At mil yesterday who says as soon as we get there .... "BIL says you"re not changing your name, is that right". AIBU to be miffed that he has told her? And do I say anything to him or just ignore? I dont suppose I can dictate what he says and doesnt say!

Tell your BIL you're disappointed he broke a confidence.

I wouldn't be miffed with him, it's going to be common knowledge. And you've got nothing to be ashamed of so just own it!

You're in your 50's. Why are you trying to hide a perfectly reasonable, personal decision from your Mil?

@Kaz101

Like everyone else, I am baffled as to how you thought this would remain a secret. I can understand you keeping your name after 50-odd years with the same one.. I am assuming you have never been married before?

Also don't understand the need for a secret wedding. But up to you!!!

Yeah, this was never going to remain a secret. Just tell your MIL that you're sorry you didn't tell her, but you thought she might be disappointed, if you didn't change it.

That's all I think you can do really. No-one has been hurt in all this. It's no big deal! Your MIL needs to suck it up really. I guess she is 75-80-ish? Probably thinks everyone (female) will automatically change their name on marriage.

YABU asking BIL to keep it secret.

@Kaz101 was your mother in law even upset or was she just noting it? In either case it doesn't matter because it's your name and not anybody else's. What exactly about the situation upsets you? The BIL possibly telling your MIL or you thinking the MIL would be upset and her finding out?

Why would you want to keep it a secret?

You made the decision, have the strength to standby it. You don't need to justify it to anyone. It isn't a decision that impacts on anyone else.

FWIW I wouldn't change my name either but that's because I think it's an outdated idea. I never belonged to my father and I certainly don't belong to my DH, I belong to me :)

MIL probably couldn't care less - why would she ? Just because she is older, doesn't mean she can't understand what goes on . And all these secrets in your 50's , honestly it's time to stop all this. Just live your life and own it .

My MiL still persists in addressing me as 'Mrs [Husband'sName] nearly a decade after marriage, despite being well well aware it's a name I've never used and having also been asked not to by DH.

If people want to throw around this passive-aggressive crap it's no skin off my nose. It's clearly calculated to offend, but all it brings is a quiet laugh up my sleeve that a woman of this age can be quite so immature, and is also showing herself as being afraid to express her disapproval openly.

End conclusion: you're entitled to the courtesy of your own name. It's no one else's place to be offended by that or otherwise; it's simply none of their business. The people who matter won't mind, and the people who mind don't matter!

The quiet registry ceremony I understand but trying to keep your name secret by telling some people but not others and then saying 'but don't tell' seems needlessly drama llama to me.

You've not changed your name. Own the decision and move on.

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We married without anyone knowing as didnt want a fuss and just wanted it to be with our own grown up children. Didnt want mil to know wasnt changing name as knew it would upset her. She would never had known if hadnt been told. And now she is upset. Anyway, thanks all for your input.

What do you mean, she wouldn't 'take it well'?

So what? How will she 'force' you to change it in accordance with here wishes? or do you mean that she will have a hissy fit, possibly cry (Who are these grown women who cry over stuff like this? So manipulative and not 'sorrow' at all ) and maybe do a bit of a martyr act? If so, let her crack on. Her feelings to do with your name are nothing to do with you.

Re BIL - ignore and don't ever tell him anything in confidence.

Just tell her that your aren't changing it - after 25 years she must be used to your name by now!

Being upset is HER problem, not yours.
I get irritated when people call me Mrs XXX- and we're not even married!
You are not rejecting your DH family name, you are keeping yours. It's not a law and it's not compulsory.
You're a big girl now - it's ok to make your own decisions.

She would never had known if hadnt been told. And now she is upset.

Then she has no business being upset. Entitlement to your own identity is about as fundamental as rights get. It isn't your BiL who has caused her to be upset OP; nor has your decision respecting your own personal preference of identity. Her own attitudes have caused her to be 'upset'.

Whether you think your BiL was in the wrong or not, the thing is done now. Personally I think the knowledge will do her no harm, and it's much better than keeping secrets from people (which seems almost an acceptance that you've done something you need to hide. You haven't).

She'll just have to get pleased again, won't she?

I'd rise above it - but make a note that if you want to keep a secret you need to tell no-one. Unless MIL is going to be booking travel on your behalf or dealing with a legal document, does it matter what she calls you as long as it isn't downright rude/nasty?

You’re a grown woman in your fifties in 2019, not a pregnant teenager terrified of her new MIL after a shotgun wedding in 1950!

I’m in my mid-40s and do not have a single female friend who changed her name on marriage — why on earth would anyone expect a woman well into adulthood to undergo unnecessary faff AND sidestep professional achievement in her name for an offensively patriarchal anachronism?

I really don't think uou can expect others to lie to her for you. And you're nearly sixty. As a pp said. Own your decision. You should have told her and explained why instead of this juvenile behaviour.

Did BIL go running to tattle to MIL or did MIL mention it?

For example, if MIL said something along the lines of "It'll be so lovely for Kaz to have the same surname as the rest of us" did you expect him to lie to his mother and agree?

She would never had known if hadnt been told. And now she is upset

She may well be upset because you didn;t trat her like an adult and just tell her - she may not approve of you not changing your name, but obviously it is none of her business and she may well have been initially upset then moved on. I think you have compaounded th eproblem by making an issue out of it and keeping it a secret.
it is actually pretty hurtful to be excluded in that way - everyone knows something and you don't - perhaps your BIL felt it was a bit unkind that everyone should know something (and frankly a fairly trivial thing of little consequence) but he was being asked to keep it from MIL.
Sounds as if there have been a few unnecessary secrets going on and maybe he got fed up. It is perfectly possible at you age to say to people 'we are having small no fuss wedding with just the grown up children' and for people to cope with that - not everything has to be cloak and dagger, being upfront about things is nearly always better and less hurtful to others.

"what's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!"

This is 2019!! Your legal status has changed. Doesn't mean your name has to. Also as your children are all grown up, and you are not both dealing with schools and doctors etc on their behalf, it matters even less what you both call yourselves.
You could of course tell BIL that your DH is changing his surname to yours... it would either cause mayhem or make everyone realise that it's your choice and indicate that they should all move on. Maybe have a heart to heart with MIL and just say you told everyone you wanted to tell her yourself. Maybe bring some bubbly and a bit of cake or take her out for one of those afternoon teas so she knows its a celebration and you can both toast each other. Its probably that she just doesn't understand and will come out with some dated reasons for taking DH's name and you can reassure her that the name is not as important as the marriage. Good Luck and many congratulations too.

What’s that line about the tangled webs we weave when we set out to deceive?

A small private wedding ceremony I entirely get. But the name change thing? Is your MiL old school and someone who thinks these traditions are important? I do think it was unfair to expect your BIL to keep your secret from his mum. Surely she was going to find out soon enough? Or make comments referring to ‘Mrs Married-surname’ ? Would you have corrected her then and told her you’d not changed your name? It’s nice that you didn’t want to upset her but I think unless you were planning not to mention it to anyone in the family, you’d have been better taking the bull by the horns and telling her up front.

I feel your pain. The name change is a red herring, it's more that you now know you can't trust your BiL. Similar thing happened to me. At a family event I shared a piece of news with my BiL and told him not to tell his parents as they would worry (nothing concerning, but I wanted to have all the loose ends tied up before making a bigger announcement). 10 minutes later, FiL came over and said "I believe you're doing xyz". I was utterly furious and called BiL out on it who just shrugged. needless to say, I haven't trusted him with anything since then and I bring it up whenever DH suggests talking to him about anything to do with the family. He's a gossip and a liar and I don't like it.