To be annoyed that my bill has told new mil I am not changing my name now married?

[Kaz101]

A very minor matter I know but has got my goat ... Late 50s, married in secret recently to partner of 25 years, as we wanted to avoid any fuss. Went from registry office to tell mil. Once word was out bil wife and others were sending congratulatory messages calling me 'Mrs x'. Told bil wife I was keeping my name, had it a long time, couldnt be bothered with the faff of changing bank accounts etc. But said dont tell mil as no need to know and knew it may not go down well.. At mil yesterday who says as soon as we get there .... "BIL says you"re not changing your name, is that right". AIBU to be miffed that he has told her? And do I say anything to him or just ignore? I dont suppose I can dictate what he says and doesnt say!

Well, what's done is done. At least you don't have to think about hiding it now.

And yy to pp about now knowing BIL can't be trusted.

She's very silly to be upset that you're not changing your name

The confidence you shared with BIL was no such thing - would soon be public knowledge so pfft, waste of energy being upset. Though it sounds like he rather went out of his way to tell her to piss everyone off on purpose.

Expect many cheques for birthday gifts addressed to Mrs 101 as a passive aggressive gesture.

It’s done. Be happily married and move on.

I think people are missing the point. Sadly, we still live in a society where some people get annoyed at women not changing their name. This post highlights the point.

Personally, I had comments even from our wedding reception where someone noticed my name place setting as Ms Flap (maiden name) and thought it was important enough comment negatively. I hadn’t given it a second thought until that moment of negativity. Since then many family members refuse to accept my choice of name and write to me as Mrs Husbands surname. I don’t get too annoyed but it highlights the issue that many women don’t have a say in what they are called by some once they marry.
We have a way to go!

Perhaps he doesn't like lying? I don't. Perhaps he was with her while she talking about you as Mrs X and he felt awkward. You put him (and everyone else) in a potentially difficult position and expected them to lie rather than you have to tell your mil a small thing that she wouldn't like. It's not a big deal, she will get over it very quickly!

“You put him (and everyone else) in a potentially difficult position and expected them to lie rather than you have to tell your mil a small thing that she wouldn't like.”

I disagree with this; the mother in law’s outdated views put the OP in the difficult situation.

Since then many family members refuse to accept my choice of name and write to me as Mrs Husbands surname. I don’t get too annoyed but it highlights the issue that many women don’t have a say in what they are called by some once they marry.

You also have a choice. Write NOT KNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS across the envelopes and return to sender. See it as like toilet training a puppy -- it's for their own good.

Lenoventura, Flapsack. Thanks.

I didnt tell bil, told his wife who kept on about how lovely it must be to finally be a *family name" and other crap. MIL is very old fashioned, knew she would be upset, there would have been a big drama, and dont see how she would have ever have found out other than going through my post. Ok, so now she knows.

What the hell has it got to do with MIL, BIL or BIL's wife?

'No MIL I haven't changed my name I'm still going to be known as Ms Kas101' is all the conversation that's needed about this.

So what if she's old fashioned and doesn't like it?

You're a grown up, you can make big decisions.

Abhann

Actually I have waited for the right time in a couple of cases. Once they start complaining about their own husbands lack of ‘housekeeping ability’ I try to subtly engage them into a conversation about equality. I let them get slightly worked up about their own equality issues and then boom I slip in the name thing pretending I’ve never noticed exactly who refuses to address me by my chosen name. It’s worked in one elderly relatives case and she now always writes cards to Ms Flaps Maidenname.

MIL is very old fashioned, knew she would be upset, there would have been a big drama

She's entirely entitled to her 1950s opinions, obviously, but I don't see why you're pussyfooting around her.

Some MILs would throw a huge hissy fit about betrayal and neglect at not being invited to their son's wedding -- you clearly decided, quite rightly (we did the same) that this wasn't relevant, and went ahead and married quietly according to your own preferences. Her opinion on your equally right refusal to engage in outdated naming conventions is equally irrelevant. Don't give it any airtime.

Good for you, @flapslack. You can always educate.

Ihatemyselffordoingthis ... yes, I do feel was done to stir. BiL has plenty of his own, bigger, 'secrets' we are told not to mention, so it's not that he doesnt like to lie!

Own your decision!

Educate people! It's 2019 of course women aren't expected to change their name. I think it is great that MIL knows that you've made your own choice. She can do what she wants with her name, you can do what you want with your name.

Seriously? Do you really need to act like a teenager keeping secrets from adults?

You are old enough to own your decisions at this stage of your life.

Onatreebyariver
I sort of agree with you about educating people, however, I have tried with mixed reactions.
Why are we in a situation where we have to educate?
Why are people so wrapped up in what women called themselves that they actually refuse to oblige with someone else’s chosen name?
IME it is extremely difficult to change people’s minds because as soon as you request that people use your chosen name their backs are up through deep rooted views and they just announce that you’re being difficult or militant. In reality the only people being difficult are those refuses to keep calling you as they always have. It requires no change on their part.

These are the reasons that it’s not a simple case of ‘man up’ () and tell them.
Many of us know we will face hostility and argument and maybe just don’t have the time to deal with it, OP?

But the OP took the 'softly softly' approach and now apparently has a full-blown drama on her hands, which wouldn't have happened if she'd simply said 'Just FYI, MIL, it not being the 1500s, I'm remaining Firstname Lastname.'

YABU. If you want to deceive rather than confront your MiL fine. Dont put others in the position of having to do likewise.

I have to say, this is a choice you have made and are happy with. Own it.

You don't have to take his name and that's fine, the same as if you wanted to, that's also fine, choice is a wonderful thing. But don't expect others to lie for you or keep your secret within thin their family.

If she upset, she will just have to get over it.

Abhann

How do you know that it wouldn’t have been a drama if she’d just told her matter of factly.

I think sometimes we can expect other women to experience similar reactions to our own.
I believe OP when she says it would have been a drama if she’d told her and would never blame her for trying to limit drama. If you think you know her MIL better than that’s fine.

Flapsack, yes, absolutely. I didnt have the time nor the inclination to deal with it.

The decision not to tell her was made with my now husband. We have so many things we are not allowed to mention to do with bil; shame he couldnt do the same. Their family prefer to keep mil in the dark on some things because of her attitude. My own family couldnt give a monkey's either way on name change.

I've looked at your updates OP.

When you've recovered from your immediate annoyance over this behaviour from BiL, I'd advise you to take a step back and take a close and careful look at this family's dynamics. Because, from an outsider's perspective and from admittedly limited information, there does seem to be an awful lot of control freakery involved here.

It's entirely up to you as to whether, and how, you engage with this dynamic. My own view would be this? who needs to exhaust themselves with all these unnecessary histrionics? And whilst it's true you can't control how other people carry on, the one person whose behaviour you can change is your own.

You can choose not to play.

I'd just say "you chose to change your name when it was your turn, I've now decided not to now it's my turn". I did change mine and, at my wedding my MiL decided it was her duty to try and teach me how to spell my new surname, like I'd have married someone when I didn't know how to spell their name. She also asked me what we'd do about postal confusion because we have the same first initial and are now both Mrs B. Bum ... we live in different houses 20 miles apart, how would this be an issue?

Flapsack .... "believe OP when she says it would have been a drama if she’d told her and would never blame her for trying to limit drama. If you think you know her MIL better than that’s fine."

Thank you. That is exactly it.