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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not give her a lift?

110 replies

KitKat1985 · 28/07/2019 22:00

Work colleague X used to live on my route home from work. She used to ask constantly for lifts, and to be honest it became a bit of pain as I used to have to wait for her to finish chatting to colleagues etc at the end of our shifts before I could leave, and also meant I couldn't just chill and listen to some music on the way to and from work and instead had to make awkward conversation. Anyway I got to find it quite annoying but didn't really feel I could say no as I literally drove past her front door on my way anyway, so saying no would look a bit mean.

She was off work for several months and in the meantime has moved home. She recently returned to work and normally has been getting a lift with colleague Y who lives nearer her, but has recently been hinting a bit about me giving her a lift when she's not on the same shift as Y. She told she just lives off the roundabout near me. When she actually sent me her address though it turns out she actually lives about 10-15 minutes drive in the opposite direction to my house and work, which means picking her up would add about 20-30 mins to my journey. We also work pretty long and unsocial shift times, so for example picking her up in the morning would mean getting up at 5am therefore rather than 5.30am, and a lift home means getting home more like 10pm than 9.30pm, which is just a pain to be honest for something that's not my problem. I already struggle with exhaustion from working full time with 2 pre-school children and just like to make the most of whatever sleep / rest time I can get.

So today person Y wasn't able to give her a lift home and she asked for a lift this evening, and I said no. She cold shouldered me for most of the day. Was I being mean? If I knew it was a one off I wouldn't mind so much, but I just sense I'm being set up to give her lifts every time colleague Y isn't able to, and I just don't want to start it as a habit again, especially now it's completely out of my way to pick her up.

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 29/07/2019 06:33

No! It's 30 extra minutes! That's ridiculous and I can't believe she expects it!

rwalker · 29/07/2019 06:41

Wouldn't give it a 2nd thought yes she might struggle but thats her problem . The fact she used to make you what says it all CF.
What a blessing she moved.

rwalker · 29/07/2019 06:45

Wait not what

Conkeee · 29/07/2019 06:50

I wouldn't and I give someone a lift to work and don't charge petrol as I'm going there anyway. Too much out of your way

KitKat1985 · 29/07/2019 06:51

Just catching up this morning. In answer to all those who have asked, no colleague X has never offered me petrol money. Hmm To be honest I have no idea why she moved even further from work where there's no easy public transport links to use, and you are right, she totally should have considered this when she moved. The town she has moved to has lots of similar work available so maybe she needs to think about looking for a job closer to her new home hopefully

OP posts:
MrsCasares · 29/07/2019 08:25

I worked with someone who used to give lifts to her colleagues. They worked night shifts.

One morning when driving home my colleague had a RTA. She spent weeks in ITU on a ventilator. She had fallen asleep at the wheel.

The people who where given lifts were walking wounded. They made a claim on my colleagues insurance. Making a difficult time even more difficult.

Colleague did recover fully (eventually).

Don’t do it op. Be strong. Yanbu.

fedup21 · 29/07/2019 09:11

They made a claim on my colleagues insurance

Shock. Can you imagine this CF doing this to you if there was an accident, OP?!

I would just be polite but offer no more lists and if she’s rude or anything else, blank her back if she’s been doing it to you.

I wouldn’t be wasting my precious sleeping or family time, petrol and alone time to help someone who simply can’t be arsed to organise their own commute.

Do you think other people in the office are likely to say anything to you about it?

Happynow001 · 29/07/2019 10:57

BTW OP: the more often you calmly but firmly say "No" the easier it gets. Been there...

Blondebakingmumma · 29/07/2019 11:06

Wow! You are doing the right thing. If she tries to ask you for a lift infront of friend’s just tell her you don’t have an extra 1/2 hour to drop her home. Then turn it on her “how did you think you were going to get to work when you chose this house to move to?”
Not your problem

Blondebakingmumma · 29/07/2019 11:07

Friends not friend’s!

twoshedsjackson · 29/07/2019 11:19

My DM had a good way of phrasing this; "If she wants to take offence, she can take a b*** great wall!" I love puns.
What have you got to lose by "'offending" her? Look on the bright side; if she isn't on speaking terms, this includes the question, "Can I have a lift?"

Downunderduchess · 29/07/2019 11:30

Taxi/Uber/Bus/family... she has options. Leave her to work it out. And I would see it as a bonus if she stopped talking to you at all. Win/win.

Blobby10 · 29/07/2019 11:31

If she says she lives near the roundabout then drop her off - at the roundabout! You've still given her a lift but not gone out of your way. Of course, that may become 'oh can't you just drop me home' when its cold or raining or windy or a day of the week ending in y but it might be an option to help you feel less guilty.

fedup21 · 29/07/2019 11:50

My DM had a good way of phrasing this; "If she wants to take offence, she can take a b* great wall!"

I don’t understand!

CruellaFeinberg · 29/07/2019 11:57

hSe told she just lives off the roundabout near me.
I'd drop her at the roundabout if its on the way, not drive somewhere else though

My DM had a good way of phrasing this; "If she wants to take offence, she can take a b* great wall!"

she can take a bloody great wall if she wants a fence? (I guess)

GoGoGoGoGo · 29/07/2019 12:07

It’s no one else’s responsibility to get her to and from work.

KUGA · 29/07/2019 12:08

She sounds like a spoilt b...h
you did the right thing by saying no.

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/07/2019 15:26

So huffing, sulking and being given the cold shoulder is the kind of 'thanks' you get for all the favours you've done for her?

I wouldn't be wasting my energy feeling bad/guilty for her!

StripyHorse · 29/07/2019 16:22

Someone mentioning ironing has given me the solution (this would only work for me because I hate ironing). In return for all the time it takes you to run her round, you drop her off along with a big bag or ironing and she can do it ready for her to pick up the next day 😀. Actually just give her your dirty washing and she can wash and iron it I return for the lifts.... paying for washing powder as you pay for petrol.

Or just say no. Not your problem.

twoshedsjackson · 29/07/2019 20:05

fedup21, forgive my puerile sense of humour; it's a silly joke which only works if you say it out loud. For "offence", read "a fence" - and a wall is a bigger, more substantial barrier than a fence. So, she has taken even greater offence than is justified. I was raised on awful puns, but I know some consider them the lowest form of wit.

ghostmouse · 30/07/2019 04:35

Just say no. I've been stuck before giving a lift to a friend to work. I went5 miles out of my way every morning to go and pick her up which meant getting up earlier. She did give me petrol money but I hated and resented the fact that when her husband was off work I was still expected to go for her while he got to lounge in bed and then i.got stuck dropping her kids off to her in-laws as well in the hols..which meant another detour..the final straw was when I changed my shift pattern slightly which meant I had to go in an hour earlier due to personal circs. The cf had the right hump with me and whined about how she would have to leave her job and that she couldn't get the bus as it was too much of a faff. I gave her a choice of I could still take her but shed have to get up much earlier and sit in the canteen till her shift started. She said no...and handed in her notice!

Ah fuck her op. Transport to works her problem not yours. Enjoy your journey to.work in peace

aurynne · 30/07/2019 05:07

Turn the tables on her.

You have given her lifts for months.

How about she learns to drive and, as she has moved further away from you but you're now on her way home, she returns you favour by giving YOU a lift to and from work from now on?

Charley50 · 30/07/2019 05:14

It's time for your colleague to look for a new job.
Threads like these make me glad I live in London, where no-one can justify asking for lifts off colleagues. Or can they??!

Nanna50 · 30/07/2019 05:42

No don’t drop her at the roundabout, don’t give her any way in, once will become more than once, don’t allow her to guilt you into it. Next time you are tempted to give in remember mumsnet said no Grin

floribunda18 · 30/07/2019 05:49

She could learn to drive herself, or ride a bike, or get a job which she can get to on public transport. Car sharing is one thing, where it is a paid or reciprocal arrangement, but it amazes me the cfs on here who actually completely rely on colleagues to get them to and from work.