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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not give her a lift?

110 replies

KitKat1985 · 28/07/2019 22:00

Work colleague X used to live on my route home from work. She used to ask constantly for lifts, and to be honest it became a bit of pain as I used to have to wait for her to finish chatting to colleagues etc at the end of our shifts before I could leave, and also meant I couldn't just chill and listen to some music on the way to and from work and instead had to make awkward conversation. Anyway I got to find it quite annoying but didn't really feel I could say no as I literally drove past her front door on my way anyway, so saying no would look a bit mean.

She was off work for several months and in the meantime has moved home. She recently returned to work and normally has been getting a lift with colleague Y who lives nearer her, but has recently been hinting a bit about me giving her a lift when she's not on the same shift as Y. She told she just lives off the roundabout near me. When she actually sent me her address though it turns out she actually lives about 10-15 minutes drive in the opposite direction to my house and work, which means picking her up would add about 20-30 mins to my journey. We also work pretty long and unsocial shift times, so for example picking her up in the morning would mean getting up at 5am therefore rather than 5.30am, and a lift home means getting home more like 10pm than 9.30pm, which is just a pain to be honest for something that's not my problem. I already struggle with exhaustion from working full time with 2 pre-school children and just like to make the most of whatever sleep / rest time I can get.

So today person Y wasn't able to give her a lift home and she asked for a lift this evening, and I said no. She cold shouldered me for most of the day. Was I being mean? If I knew it was a one off I wouldn't mind so much, but I just sense I'm being set up to give her lifts every time colleague Y isn't able to, and I just don't want to start it as a habit again, especially now it's completely out of my way to pick her up.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 28/07/2019 23:07

think I just need to stand firm and say no and hopefully she'll get the hint and stop asking after a while.
Actually I wouldn't hint - cheeky opportunists use hinting to push against the door you are leaving half open. Be polite but very clear. "I'm sorry that's just too inconvenient for me. Hope you get sorted out. Bye." And walk/drive away.

No explanations about why this doesn't work for you or you'll find yourself having to justify yourself.

DH made some comment when I got home about her struggling to get home on a Sunday evening on public transport, and it did make me feel a bit guilty.
Sad but not your problem. She's an adult and earning money from work just like you and her other colleague so should sort herself out.

BTW my guess is that if you did once say "yes" she'd drop the other colleague as you'd be a sure thing, like before...

Well done for saying no in the first instance. She obviously thought she could just pick up from before. 🌹

IamWaggingBrenda · 28/07/2019 23:11

Struggling to get home on a Sunday? Then she need to sort out her own transportation, rather than expecting someone else to do this.

HypatiaCade · 28/07/2019 23:13

What a daft move, moving house and not moving closer to where she works. You are not responsible for her. All that money she saves not having the running costs of a car, she can spend some of it on a taxi on a Sunday if she has to. Apparently the average UK motorist spends £162 per month running their car. That's not including the purchase price of a car.

Ayemama · 28/07/2019 23:14

You would be crazy to say yes, if you loose half an hour each way and are driving her even 3 days a week that's 3 hours less sleep!!!
I also have two preschool children and would I hell give up 3 hours or sleep for another adult who chose to move further away from work.

Wakeupalready · 28/07/2019 23:22

Good Lord, NO.

I completely understand the attractiveness of the personal space time you get in a car, and if this request means hauling yourself out of bed extra early and all the rest, park that guilt in a mental box and leave it there to die.
If your DH is trying to make you feel even more guilty, inform him taxis and Ubers exist and if he is so concerned about her, he should offer to ferry her round himself.
She is a CF - and I'm betting she never gave you any petrol money or a thank you gift at any time either.
Stand your ground.

Chochito · 28/07/2019 23:23

Just tell her no because she is not on your route.

bingbongnoise · 28/07/2019 23:24

@KitKat1985 Of COURSE YANBU.

Why do some non-drivers think drivers owe them lifts, and should run them around like a free taxi? And then get super arsey when the 'free lifts' are withdrawn?

There are some fucking entitled gits out there, seriously. I have encountered a few when it comes to expecting lifts - free obviously!! Hmm

bridgetreilly · 28/07/2019 23:29

You did the right thing.

Also, in future, if you do give other people lifts, you need to be clear that you are the one who decides when you go, and you decide what gets listened to in the car. You are already the one doing the favour, it's your car, and so you get to decide.

BackforGood · 28/07/2019 23:29

Agree with everyone else. Just say 'no'. If she was moving, then she needed to factor in how she was going to get to and from work from her new home really.
Don't start giving reasons / excuses - you don't need to pffer a reason - she isn't on your way home.
I have every sympathy - all of my dc work shifts - early mornings, late evenings, weekends etc., and, when I can, I try to help them, as I know it is difficult to get public transport at that time, but they understood when applying for the job(s) that they had to factor that in.
Personally, I wouldn't have been waiting for her whilst she was chatting, when she did live on your way home. If someone is doing you a favour, you do whatever you can to make sure you are putting them out as little as you can.

katewhinesalot · 28/07/2019 23:38

Don't cave.
Like pp's I want to know if she ever contributed to the petrol before?

ThatCurlyGirl · 28/07/2019 23:38

Right. It's an hour extra a day.
5 hours a week.
That's 260 hours a year.
Equivalent to 32.5 eight hour days.
That's a MONTH of your time a year.

Cheeky. Fucking. Fucker.

Keep this in mind if you feel yourself faltering or being guilt tripped.

People like this rely on you not wanting an awkward conversation or to fall out.

Keep those numbers in mind and stick to your guns OP.

LifeImplosionImminent · 28/07/2019 23:42

"Why do some non-drivers think drivers owe them lifts, and should run them around like a free taxi? And then get super arsey when the 'free lifts' are withdrawn?"

THIS!

I absolutely hate driving and avoid it as much as possible, but my daughter thinks I should be her personal uber. One of her friends live in a Devil's arse of a place and so she gets told to fuck off to get a bus if she wants to visit her now. I don't mind driving someone if I'm going the same direction (and the journey doesn't leave me a bag of nerves) but I would have no problem telling a work colleague no if it was out of my way. YADNBU

pasturesgreen · 28/07/2019 23:46

So she's giving you the cold shoulder? Sounds brilliant to me, OP: it means she won't be asking for more favours Wink

itswinetime · 28/07/2019 23:55

She got to work without you she can get home from it! She picked her job she knew when she started there that it was long hours and weekends ect! She didn't decide based on a promise from you to give her a lift! I work similar hours to you no way I would add 30 minutes in to my commute unless it was someone in unpredictable circumstances such as illness family issues ect as a one off. She is a grown up she needs to plan how she gets to and from work like the rest of us!

Flapjackninja · 29/07/2019 00:03

The fact that she's cold shouldered you immediately just shows she was a CF using you for a lift. Ignore and enjoy your journey in peace.

spacedone · 29/07/2019 00:42

Who doesn't sort out their transport prior to work and just expects colleagues to all pitch in?! It's not your problem. She's outrageously cheeky. I bet she doesn't offer petrol money either. She needs to learn to drive if it's that much of an issue.

buttertoasty · 29/07/2019 00:56

She's a CF!!!! She will need to find her own way to work like the vast majority of the population. People who rely on others for lifts piss me off so much.

Durgasarrow · 29/07/2019 03:04

You helping her even once will not help her find the daily solution she needs to find for herself. It will be pushing her away from solving her problem.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 29/07/2019 03:19

What that curly girl said..

These CF rely on nice people pleasers avoiding saying no/or awkward convos...

Would I hell get up earlier to facilitate this persons poor choices re her commute.

I did know and have been subject to it myself... These CF are good at pushing the fear/obligation /guilt buttons....

Well done OP on tolerating the unpleasant sensations when you say no....
All you have to do it maintain it

Kaddm · 29/07/2019 04:28

agree CFs prey on people pleasers

It’s happened to me enough that I always have my guard up.

BustedDreams · 29/07/2019 05:20

Just say no. Easier said than done I know. She’s a cf of the highest order!

Jeremybearimybaby · 29/07/2019 05:48

Nope. Nope. Nope. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. There you go, 10 nos to use. Come back for more when you need them. I've. Got. Thousands. Grin

Jeremybearimybaby · 29/07/2019 05:51

She doesn't feel guilty about taking you out of your way. She thinks she's entitled to your time. Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part is an excellent motto!
Also, don't let her make it your problem how she gets home. No suggesting taxis or Mary could give you a lift. Just no can do, then enjoy your music, not having to talk, and your awesome backbone on the drive home.

MingeOnFire · 29/07/2019 05:57

YANBU at all. I've been on the other side, job with antisocial hours and no car Was often offered lift all or part of way but was never expected and I never asked. If I couldn't get the bus I cycled or got a taxi. Really, if you can't drive don't do a job with anti social hours!

I now work normal hours and love my bus trip as like you op it's my time to wind down, read, listen to music away from kids. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty!

MrsMozartMkII · 29/07/2019 05:57

I like driving and have dinner enough long commutes on my own to enjoy the company of others when I get the chance, but in your case OP I agree entirely! Getting up half an hour earlier just wouldn't be happening in my world. She should've moved closer or learnt to drive.

I like the ironing analogy Smile

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