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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not give her a lift?

110 replies

KitKat1985 · 28/07/2019 22:00

Work colleague X used to live on my route home from work. She used to ask constantly for lifts, and to be honest it became a bit of pain as I used to have to wait for her to finish chatting to colleagues etc at the end of our shifts before I could leave, and also meant I couldn't just chill and listen to some music on the way to and from work and instead had to make awkward conversation. Anyway I got to find it quite annoying but didn't really feel I could say no as I literally drove past her front door on my way anyway, so saying no would look a bit mean.

She was off work for several months and in the meantime has moved home. She recently returned to work and normally has been getting a lift with colleague Y who lives nearer her, but has recently been hinting a bit about me giving her a lift when she's not on the same shift as Y. She told she just lives off the roundabout near me. When she actually sent me her address though it turns out she actually lives about 10-15 minutes drive in the opposite direction to my house and work, which means picking her up would add about 20-30 mins to my journey. We also work pretty long and unsocial shift times, so for example picking her up in the morning would mean getting up at 5am therefore rather than 5.30am, and a lift home means getting home more like 10pm than 9.30pm, which is just a pain to be honest for something that's not my problem. I already struggle with exhaustion from working full time with 2 pre-school children and just like to make the most of whatever sleep / rest time I can get.

So today person Y wasn't able to give her a lift home and she asked for a lift this evening, and I said no. She cold shouldered me for most of the day. Was I being mean? If I knew it was a one off I wouldn't mind so much, but I just sense I'm being set up to give her lifts every time colleague Y isn't able to, and I just don't want to start it as a habit again, especially now it's completely out of my way to pick her up.

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 28/07/2019 22:26

To be honest it's the time to myself as much as anything. Often the time I drive to and from work is the only time I actually have to myself away from work / kids and I like to just put some loud music on and unwind for a bit, but I can't do that when I've got someone in the car with me. And losing out on precious sleep time from the extra drive is just that bit too much to take right now!

OP posts:
AntiHop · 28/07/2019 22:27

Well done for saying no. Keep standing your ground.

Unicornsdosparkle · 28/07/2019 22:27

Well done for standing your ground. It's often easier said than done (talking from experience).

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/07/2019 22:30

Say no and keep saying no. You’re respecting yourself plus it’s good practice for the next time a CF sidles up to you with a wheedling request.

fedup21 · 28/07/2019 22:32

How does she get home when the other poor sucker isn’t in and you say no?

Her commute really isn’t your problem. Say you’ve got to get home for the kids and dropping her takes you too much out of your way. If she’s blanking you of being huffy, she isn’t very nice!

Your DH is being rather unhelpful as well!

KitKat1985 · 28/07/2019 22:34

Thank you all. You've made me feel a bit better. I'm reminding myself that her work transport issues aren't my problem, so if she's a bit huffy with me then I need to just learn not to give a shit and ignore her sulking. It easier said than done though (but I'm trying)!

OP posts:
Travis1 · 28/07/2019 22:34

Not your problem and she’s a cheeky git to ask you to do that.

MadeForThis · 28/07/2019 22:37

She chose to move house knowing that she needed to be able to get to work.

It's not your problem. Don't let her make it yours.

Say no every time. Giving in once will set a president.

Iloveacurry · 28/07/2019 22:39

She’s not your problem.

Yesicancancan · 28/07/2019 22:41

Be consistent, she should get the message.

CalmdownJanet · 28/07/2019 22:41

Could you say "No Mary sorry, I've enjoyed listening to mindless shit, miming to songs and talking to nobody the last while that I gave decided to keep it up so no more lifts" OR give her a lift to the point you turn off and throw her out there, do not divert even for a second, i suspect if she's not getting dropped to the door she'll stop asking. Same in the morning, "if I'm passing and your there fine, if not I keep going", neither will happen if you don't deviate from your route and she has to make her way to you.

VenusTiger · 28/07/2019 22:43

You were not being mean. SHE was being mean and needs to look after herself!

Millie2018 · 28/07/2019 22:44

Agree you should say no. I’d have a couple of vague reasons why you can’t lined up for when she asks again. Especially if she asks you in front of other colleagues, you don’t want them to think you are being mean. Something along the lines of “I looked up the route last time you asked and realised your new place is in the opposite direction” etc.
Don’t cave because if you do it once she’ll expect you to do it forever!

Catsandchardonnay · 28/07/2019 22:46

You should have offered to take her bags but not her 😂

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/07/2019 22:47

Of course, it's not just the extra time it would take you on each leg - it's also the extra fuel costs. Is she giving you anything towards it? Has she ever offered? Thought not.

How do you think she'd react if you brought in a pile of ironing a few days a week, set up a board in an available room and then, at the end of her shift, asked her if she'd mind 'just' spending 30 minutes or an hour or so helping you out. I mean, you brought the creased clothes in for her and she's already in the same building, so it's no big deal, is it? Mind, even that would cost her time (like she'd ever agree) but not extra money.

It's the same thing in principle. Stay firm. I like the pp's suggestion of just saying that you simply don't have a spare hour a day. How could she possibly argue with that (not that there is an argument to be had anyway - your first and final answer is No).

CatInADoghouse · 28/07/2019 22:48

You did the right thing saying no. She's definitely a CF!! By giving you the cold shoulder now just shows that she was using you. Now she's not getting what she wants you're of no use to her anymore. I hate people like this. Stick to your guns and enjoy lots of loud music in the comfort of your own car! Leave her to sort her own transport problems out.

VenusTiger · 28/07/2019 22:50

OP, do not give her your reasons for saying no, no of some way to get around them... paying for petrol, “drop me off half way” etc. You can’t answer to “no” so you’re winning with a simple “no”.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/07/2019 22:53

I know what you mean, OP, about wanting your own time and your own peace and quiet or music. Although car-sharing can work well financially and for the environment and congestion if people work the same hours, live very close, share costs fairly and respect each other, it still kind of defeats the object of having your own private transport if you don't have private time and space to yourself/your family.

At least, on the bus, you don't have to drive the thing, so you can read, use your phone or whatever, or worry about maintenance costs. This kind of public-private transport, especially where you're only colleagues and not also friends, is the worst of both worlds.

KitKat1985 · 28/07/2019 22:55

The ironing analogy is a good one. You are absolutely spot on there.

OP posts:
QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 28/07/2019 22:55

She can huff all she likes, it's not your problem. She shouldn't have taken the job if she can't drive and doesn't want to use public transport.

Drum2018 · 28/07/2019 22:55

You've said No once. It will be easier to say it a second, third and fourth time, if she has the brass neck to keep asking. Let her be huffy. As you have realised, her transport issues are not your problem. She's only doing it for a free ride. She could figure out public transport or a taxi or ask a relative to collect her - any number of alternatives to having you go out of your way to get to her house. So don't feel a shred of guilt over it.

Sunflower20 · 28/07/2019 22:55

No and well done for saying no. She is a CF and if she wants to act all cold then that's great for you, she won't ask again hopefully.

Marlena1 · 28/07/2019 22:56

If it was on your way or a once off that would be different but you can't give this person an hour a day. If she asks again I think I would explain it to her. Why would you move house to somewhere you cannot get to work fromConfused, S is BU

ithinkiammelting · 28/07/2019 22:56

She should have moved nearer work really, shouldn't she? Then she wouldn't have to impose on other people.

JADS · 28/07/2019 22:56

Op even if she wasn't taking an extra hour out of your day, you are entitled to your space. My commute is my time where no one is asking me things, my time to decompress. I get it. Yanbu at all.