AIBU DH hasn’t made any effort for my 30th??

[Lubilu28]

Sorry for the long post!....

I’ll start from the beginning. We started to build our extension on our house 2 years ago and my DH has basically built it all himself (he’s not even a builder). And we have really only just finished it all. I also gave birth just 2 weeks ago so not sure if it’s all my hormones making me feel more upset than I should be?

I said to everyone I don’t want a big party as I knew I’d be giving birth around the time and didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t say I didn’t want any gifts or effort from my DH!

He took me shopping (2 days ago) and told me to pick something I like as he doesn’t know what to get me. Which yea ok, I can get something I actually like but I have no idea either. Plus I can’t really justify spending money on myself when I want/need to get new bits for the baby. He seemed pissed off with me as I had failed to sort my own gift out.

I woke up this morning with lovely cards and a pamper box from my DS’s with chocolate, wine and bubble bath and a little charm for my bracelet. Obvs I know my DH has bought these things but I was waiting for that special gift off him. Ow, he said how about we go away for a night in December and u can pick out something then??

Now I hate feeling like this as I feel like I’m being a spoilt brat. But him saying the extension has meant he’s not had time isnt a valid excuse, as the last 2 years he’s managed to pull a gift out the bag and it’s been lovely. Even organised meals out for me with the family/friends. This year he’s not done anything of the sort. We did go out for lunch but that was only sorted out yesterday only when I asked if he had planned anything for in the day. To which he replied, ow do u want to do something then? 🤦‍♀️

For his 30th I made a photo book with all our memories in for the last 14 years, a really nice pair of ray bans as I knew he would love a pair and organised a trip to Rome!! I guess I just feel a little bit let down by the effort 😔 I wasn’t expecting a handmade book of memories as men are useless at those things but come on!! 14 years together and it seems he doesn’t even know me lol

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. He’s had the extension to sort, you’ve got a new baby - I’m sure there’s a lot going on and it’s not like he didn’t try? He got thoughtful things from your children and offered to take you shopping but you didn’t want anything. What more do you want?

So unreasonable if my dh brought me shopping to pick out something I'd be delighted
Also he'd never think of doing a gift from kids unless I told him

Hi OP. I think you a being a little unreasonble. He did take uou put shipping & asked you to buy something you liked. I know this a great romantic gesture but he tried (on hiscway). You even said yourself that there wasnt anything you particularly wanted.

Saying this nicely (and I'm a father to 3 dcs so have been on the other end of a pregnant/ past partum wife) .....?I think it may be your hormones.

There is no excuse for not bothering for your 30th especially as he bothered for the last 2 and you've just given him a baby. I'd be pissed off too but then I can't stick men generally and don't make any excuses for their lousy behaviour.

Abso-fucking-lutely YANBU

Fucksake it's a landmark birthday....nope nope nope

Im still stinging from mine and in 45 next birthday..

I'd be pissed off. Nice he sorted something from your children but doesn't sound like any thought has gone into the rest of it. Especially considering what you did for him! He could've booked you a little break over Xmas to look forward to?!

From the sound of it, he has gone to the effort of getting you multiple presents ‘from DSs’. Perhaps he assumed you would rather do something later, rather than norm when you are (both?) dealing with a very new baby. Might he be exhausted due to lack of sleep

And you say you can’t justify spending money on yourself, yet you are annoyed he hasn’t spent it when you were absent. That’s not a very rational argument. Or were you hoping he’d do something romantic like your photo book? Surely with a newborn there’s enough to do?

It’s sad if you’re upset but it doesn’t sound like a dealbreaker to me. Is he helping you with DS?

I wanted pedometer.... my mum gave me a free one from McDonalds and a diet book I had wanted..... thanks!!!

You admitted that you had no idea what to get yourself when your husband took you shopping yet you expected him to know and surprise you with a gift.

I think you're being very unreasonable.
Your husband did make an effort, he bought you lovely gifts on behalf of your child, but because it wasn't as much as an effort as you did for his birthday you're complaining.

YANBU. Picking a nice piece of jewelry does not even take that long!

When I had a 2 week baby I kept calling her the wrong name because I was so addled! I mean this in the nicest possible way but I think you're in a bit of baby fog. You said you didn't know what you want and you can't justify spending money on yourself - maybe your DH was worried about spending on something totally wrong when you've got the pressures of the extension and your new baby. I get that you want something great sprung on you but it's probably not that realistic at the moment. Is it more that you want to be made a fuss of because you've just had a baby? (understandable!). I'd just be planning something lovely for December

I think he's been more than reasonable

I don't think you know how lucky you are.

Throwing cash at an expensive gift for your birthday can be done in minutes. Having a decent hardworking and thoughtful husband 365 days a year is not so easy to come by.

If you had given him any hint/idea what you wanted he would have got it for you. You say you don't know what you want and can't justify the expense. Apologies for the crass term but you are expecting him to shit miracles.

I do not think you are unreasonable as you just want him to make more effort and for you to feel a bit special but my husband is the same it is just a man thing and he doesn't even mean to be this way he just can't help it I guess. I realise you just had a baby but if you want to organise a big birthday yourself as your husband will never do it for you. For my 30th we went to Paris and had a party and I organised it all!

Yabu. You said you didn't want a party because you didn't know how you would be feeling. You had a baby 2 weeks ago how is he supposed to know you would be feeling up to changing out of your pjs this weekend let alone going out. He took you out shopping and you said there wasnt anything you wanted but he is supposed to magically know something you do want. He gies to the trouble of making you a very thoughtful gift from ds. He takes you out to lunch when he realises that not only do you want to go out but you also feel up to going out. He offers to take you away in a few months when lo will be a bit bigger and it will be easier to manage. That doesn't sound like making no effort. That actually sounds quite thoughtful.

Gosh, you’ve done an extension and you have a brand new baby! If you don’t even know what you want, hence the failed shopping trip, I doubt any special surprise gift would have made you happy. The gifts from your DS were lovely idea, it’s a shame you seem to think that they weren’t good enough on their own. Not organising a meal out is also fair enough, a lot of people wouldn’t fancy that with a newborn. 2 weeks post partum is a tough time. Cut your DH some slack and plan something nice for December!

YANBU, mine didn't organise anything for my big birthday, I said I didn't want a party as I dont have many friends so he did nothing. I was so hurt, I still am. It sounds selfish but it hurts when you think no one cares enough to celebrate a big birthday. We celebrate his bday every year, make a huge effort, even writing this is upsetting me. I kept waiting for the big surprise which never came and I was so hurt and embarrassed. I'm sending you hugs xx

I agree with the others saying YABU.

He actually sounds very thoughtful and considerate.

He got you gifts. He's asked what you'd like for even more gifts. He wants to organise a night away. He's done this while building you an extension with no experience and the very recent upheaval of a new baby. You said you didn't want a big fuss and don't have the money. Honestly I don't know exactly what more you want from him. You can't compare what you did for him - you have an extra baby now with all the constraints on time, attention and money that brings.

What about a new ironing board.. something useful.... every time you iron his shirt you will know how much he loves you.

I sorted out a trip to Rome for my DP's 30th. I went on said trip with him (assume you did the same OP)

I'd give him a break tbh, he too did have his whole existence turned upside down a few weeks ago?

What with building an extension single handedly along with presumably it sounds like he doesn't have much headspace for anything else.

YABU. And hard work !

He took me shopping (2 days ago) and told me to pick something I like as he doesn’t know what to get me. Which yea ok, I can get something I actually like but I have no idea either. Plus I can’t really justify spending money on myself when I want/need to get new bits for the baby. He seemed pissed off with me as I had failed to sort my own gift out.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable to expect him to get you something when even you don't know what you want. Why not suggest you try again?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. It’s not about what he hasn’t bought you, I get it. It’s about the fact he made no effort and not even a bunch of flowers from your husband on your 30th birthday.