Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH hasn’t made any effort for my 30th??

81 replies

Lubilu28 · 28/07/2019 21:20

Sorry for the long post!....

I’ll start from the beginning. We started to build our extension on our house 2 years ago and my DH has basically built it all himself (he’s not even a builder). And we have really only just finished it all. I also gave birth just 2 weeks ago so not sure if it’s all my hormones making me feel more upset than I should be?

I said to everyone I don’t want a big party as I knew I’d be giving birth around the time and didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t say I didn’t want any gifts or effort from my DH!

He took me shopping (2 days ago) and told me to pick something I like as he doesn’t know what to get me. Which yea ok, I can get something I actually like but I have no idea either. Plus I can’t really justify spending money on myself when I want/need to get new bits for the baby. He seemed pissed off with me as I had failed to sort my own gift out.

I woke up this morning with lovely cards and a pamper box from my DS’s with chocolate, wine and bubble bath and a little charm for my bracelet. Obvs I know my DH has bought these things but I was waiting for that special gift off him. Ow, he said how about we go away for a night in December and u can pick out something then??

Now I hate feeling like this as I feel like I’m being a spoilt brat. But him saying the extension has meant he’s not had time isnt a valid excuse, as the last 2 years he’s managed to pull a gift out the bag and it’s been lovely. Even organised meals out for me with the family/friends. This year he’s not done anything of the sort. We did go out for lunch but that was only sorted out yesterday only when I asked if he had planned anything for in the day. To which he replied, ow do u want to do something then? 🤦‍♀️

For his 30th I made a photo book with all our memories in for the last 14 years, a really nice pair of ray bans as I knew he would love a pair and organised a trip to Rome!! I guess I just feel a little bit let down by the effort 😔 I wasn’t expecting a handmade book of memories as men are useless at those things but come on!! 14 years together and it seems he doesn’t even know me lol

OP posts:
RaggeddeeAnn · 28/07/2019 22:06

YABU. You sound like a spoilt woman on a “Real Housewives...” show demanding your push present, your 30th bday extravaganza, and whining about how he’s not sweeping you off your feet etc. And to top it off you honestly think the scrapbook you made with pictures of you is just what he wanted on his 30th and showed true effort lol (that was a lame self cantered present).

Cryalot2 · 28/07/2019 22:06

Flowers happy birthday ( belated)
I don't think you are being unreasonable. I know what you mean, you pulled the stops for him and were expecting a bit . The extension is not for you.
No real answers but treat yourself when you feel more like it.
Grieve for it as you have to do this to move on. Just don't be as kind to him birthday wise. Next time take him out and ask what he wants .

gamerchick · 28/07/2019 22:06

To be absolutely fair to him it was an impossible task for him. He couldn't plan anything mega special as you wouldn't have known how you could feel. You didn't know what you would like as a gift and he did put special into a gift from the bairn.

Tell him he owes you and your birthday isn't being put off until the new baby dust settles as he's suggested.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/07/2019 22:08

I'm not a big birthday person but I think the problem was you did too much for his 30th. Surely you have to live longer to have a 'big birthday'. He got you nice presents, even after the massive upheaval if the last year.

bebeboeuf · 28/07/2019 22:10

It’s more than I got as I’d just left my eco a few weeks beforehand.

It’s just a birthday

RubbingHimSourly · 28/07/2019 22:10

And I'm sorry but a naff scrapbook of photos does not in any way, shape or form trump a house extension.

He did get you well thought out gifts he knew you'd like. Other than the moon on a stick I'm not sure what else he could have done. Hmm

thewreckofthehesperus · 28/07/2019 22:11

You got thought and effort with lovely cards and a thoughtful gift. He tried to take you out and get you something bigger but you couldn't think of anything at the time. Hes had a lot on and you both have a new baby. If hes normally a loving and good husband I'd cut him some slack and maybe you could have fun picking a destination to go at the end of the year together.

madeabooboo · 28/07/2019 22:16

Sounds far more thoughtful and considerate than many men tbh. Think your expectations may be a tad high

letsdolunch321 · 28/07/2019 22:18

Congratulations on your new born 💐

In fairness your hormones are probably all over the place, I think a later celebration is a good suggestion - you can make it a birthday/xmas pressie.

Also, there has been a-lot going on with the extension taking place etc

Orangeballon · 28/07/2019 22:20

You are totally unreasonable, you sound a bit spoiled and selfish.

Ginger1982 · 28/07/2019 22:26

You obviously have a lot going on but YABU. He bought thoughtful presents from your DS, took you shopping and told you to pick something, is taking you away in December and is going to let you pick something else then too? That's quite a lot you know!

Millie2018 · 28/07/2019 22:35

I don’t think YABU. It’s your 30th and he basically expected you to traipse around the shops to think of, chose and buy your own gift having just given birth?!
Hello?! Even if he really couldn’t think of anything at all to get you he should have planned a special day for your 30th.
The extension is irrelevant. That’s not about your birthday. And yes, he did do well with the gifts from the kids, however, he’s had months to come up with a gift for you. I don’t know why he hasn’t? He’s not working on the extension 24/7.

PunishmentSnart · 28/07/2019 22:53

You BOTH have a newborn- congratulations.
YAB slightly U if he has/is doing things to help with new baby - he is busy and overwhelmed too probably (obviously not as much as you).
He has probably just got it a bit wrong and thought you would appreciate a gift from newborn and not want a massive fuss after giving birth (as you told him).

francienolan · 28/07/2019 23:05

But...chocolate, bubble bath, and a charm is a gift....am I missing something here? It sounds like the perfect thing for a new parent especially as there doesn't seem to be anything you were hoping for especially.

HolidayReads · 28/07/2019 23:17

@RaggeddeeAnn you are vile.

Op, YANBU. Sorry that people are being so horrible on here. And congrats on your new baby! X

Yeahnahmum · 28/07/2019 23:29

So your dh went to get you many presents in behalf of the kids. But you are upset that you didnt get anything from him directly

I get it that you feel a tiny bit sad. Tinyyyyyy though because he DID brought you along shopping for a present. So you cant be all boohoo me so sad.

But mostly: he is a great man. You guys most be so tired from everything and yet he didnt forget to buy something from you on behalf of the kids

My dh turned 35 this year
I forgot to buy him a present and also forgot that i apparently should have given him something on behalf of the kids
So
..now that is sad. Haha

Evilspiritgin · 28/07/2019 23:33

Not getting at op but when did having a 30th become such a big thing?? Do we now have to do big things for 16th 18th 21st 30th 40th might as well add 50th 60th 70th 80th and hopefully 90th plus 100th , Will we in the future start celebrating half decade birthday as a big thing.

20 years ago you only celebrated 18th and 21st and maybe the 40th what the fuck has changed??

Sparkles57 · 28/07/2019 23:38

Unpopular opinion but YANBU at all. You’ve just carried (and then birthed) his child for 9 months ffs, he should have made a decent effort on your milestone birthday!

Gillian1980 · 28/07/2019 23:40

Yabu and he sounds like he’s made plenty of effort.

HUZZAH212 · 28/07/2019 23:41

Putting everything else aside - you've had a baby 2 weeks ago, you didn't want a party fair enough, he probably figured u wouldn't want to go out for food (but u did so you went), he not going to book up abroad to shlep off with a brand new baby (although he's suggested break in Dec). Plus you had the option to choose a gift but you didn't want one. How the he'll is he supposed to know what you went if you don't?! Yes, YABU.

Tillygetsit · 28/07/2019 23:42

YABVU and a spoilt brat tbh. My 30th... had to send dh links to things I wanted (as I do every year) including an ASDA custard cream biscuit birthday cake as I'm the cake maker and I didnt want to make my own. Lovely cards from dc but no presents. Dh forgot. Resteraunt for lunch informed us 3 days before that they were shut for a refurb. My db who has mh issues said he wouldn't come unless it was immediate family only and my dm said she couldnt be bothered to come. Luch meal went ok in a pub.
Sat at home early evening wondering what dh had organised. Nothing. Ate takeaway and felt a bit unloved. Feel better now?!

Tillygetsit · 28/07/2019 23:43

Oh and I didnt get a cake.

HUZZAH212 · 28/07/2019 23:44

And you said you don't want to spend money you can use on the new baby - if he'd gifted you an expensive watch or handbag you'd probably be upset he'd 'wasted money' 🤔

CookPassBabtridge · 28/07/2019 23:46

Sorry but you sound like a spoilt brat and high maintenance.

Boots20 · 28/07/2019 23:46

Yabu and yes i agree with you, a bit of a spoilt brat- sorry but he did ask you to pick something (probably for fear he wouldnt pick the right thing) and also hes been building a bloody extension. First world problems

Swipe left for the next trending thread