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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH hasn’t made any effort for my 30th??

81 replies

Lubilu28 · 28/07/2019 21:20

Sorry for the long post!....

I’ll start from the beginning. We started to build our extension on our house 2 years ago and my DH has basically built it all himself (he’s not even a builder). And we have really only just finished it all. I also gave birth just 2 weeks ago so not sure if it’s all my hormones making me feel more upset than I should be?

I said to everyone I don’t want a big party as I knew I’d be giving birth around the time and didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t say I didn’t want any gifts or effort from my DH!

He took me shopping (2 days ago) and told me to pick something I like as he doesn’t know what to get me. Which yea ok, I can get something I actually like but I have no idea either. Plus I can’t really justify spending money on myself when I want/need to get new bits for the baby. He seemed pissed off with me as I had failed to sort my own gift out.

I woke up this morning with lovely cards and a pamper box from my DS’s with chocolate, wine and bubble bath and a little charm for my bracelet. Obvs I know my DH has bought these things but I was waiting for that special gift off him. Ow, he said how about we go away for a night in December and u can pick out something then??

Now I hate feeling like this as I feel like I’m being a spoilt brat. But him saying the extension has meant he’s not had time isnt a valid excuse, as the last 2 years he’s managed to pull a gift out the bag and it’s been lovely. Even organised meals out for me with the family/friends. This year he’s not done anything of the sort. We did go out for lunch but that was only sorted out yesterday only when I asked if he had planned anything for in the day. To which he replied, ow do u want to do something then? 🤦‍♀️

For his 30th I made a photo book with all our memories in for the last 14 years, a really nice pair of ray bans as I knew he would love a pair and organised a trip to Rome!! I guess I just feel a little bit let down by the effort 😔 I wasn’t expecting a handmade book of memories as men are useless at those things but come on!! 14 years together and it seems he doesn’t even know me lol

OP posts:
HUZZAH212 · 28/07/2019 23:49

Plus you said he'd not get you anything thoughtful like the photo album.... He bought you a charm from DS for your bracelet. You will be able to look at that everytime you wear it. I'd say that's pretty thoughtful actually.

EKGEMS · 28/07/2019 23:49

Why the hell should she have to pick her own gift out? Lazy ass husband

ineedaholidaynow · 28/07/2019 23:49

In all fairness if my 30th birthday had happened 2 weeks after having a baby I probably wouldn't have realised it was my birthday I was so tired and just getting my head round having a baby. If DH had booked us a meal out I would probably just have burst into tears worrying about the baby, feeding the baby, what I could actually fit into etc. I think what your DH has done is lovely.

I also don't like a big fuss about birthdays, haven't had a birthday party since I was about 8!

whirlwinds · 29/07/2019 00:14

NRTT: The one thing I noticed and made me think he has done according to your wishes is this comment from you at the start: I said to everyone I don’t want a big party as I knew I’d be giving birth around the time and didn’t know how I would feel. Now this is actually exactly what you have received in all honesty and actually more than what many of us get after many years! If you hadn't asked for a toned down birthday it is not unlikely that there would have been more fuss. But the reality is he has done quite a lot and still tried to respect your request of what is realistically quiet birthday which is understandable when you are post-partum.

buttertoasty · 29/07/2019 00:52

YABU he has offered you a few things.

RubbingHimSourly · 29/07/2019 00:57

EKGEMS Did you miss the bit where the op listed the thoughtful gifts she'd received ? But had decided they weren't enough. Hmm

GreenTooth · 29/07/2019 01:03

@EKGEMS - A lazy was husband Who has just built an extension and ALSO has a newborn baby?!

I'm sorry OP but YABVU! I don't think your husband can win, you made it impossible. You said you didn't want a party, you said you have a newborn so wouldn't know how you would feel. He got you a lively charm amongst other things. He took you shopping and even you didn't know what you wanted.

What on Earth was he supposed to do?? Honestly, you sound spoilt and bratty but I think that's probably your hormones. If your husband has had any grief for this, you owe him an apology.

EKGEMS · 29/07/2019 01:07

I'm sorry I meant lazy ass for not buying a present I'm sure the extension was mammoth type of work to do

OverpricedFloorCushion · 29/07/2019 01:11

If you want some perspective OP, my DP got me jaffa cakes and a wispa for my 30th, and gave the bottle of wine he bought me to his dad for father's day then left me at home alone on my birthday and went out drinking himself.

I think you sound ungrateful and spoiled.

GreenTooth · 29/07/2019 01:12

I woke up this morning with lovely cards and a pamper box from my DS’s with chocolate, wine and bubble bath and a little charm for my bracelet.

He did buy OP a present. Several actually.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 29/07/2019 01:35

How sad. OP specifically said she didn't want a party as she just had a baby, a trip would have been off the table for the same reason so that leaves a quiet day with presents and maybe a trip later in the year which is exactly what happened.

There's no pleasing some. Hmm

Durgasarrow · 29/07/2019 02:49

Don't be mad at yourself, don't be mad at him, don't be mad for feeling madit's a time of change and intense feeling and I think you are all trying to do your best. Your husband sounds as if he cares and he was trying to be sensitive by not overwhelming you with what you didn't want so soon after having a baby. You sound a little wistful and let down, but you've just expended so much energy giving birth, and now you have the care of an infantno wonder you would be tired and feel surrounded by obligation instead of fun and romance. It's just a normal season of life. Your husband's gift from your "children" sounds imaginative and thoughtful, and the work on the extension certainly sounds as if he is very committed to you and your marriage. All is well.

K1ssIt · 29/07/2019 02:56

I'm usually the first to call a man lazy for putting no effort into birthdays and gift buying, esp when they get expensive thoughtful gifts themselves. But.....

He's been building a house extension, you'll both have been busy planning and prepping and then adjusting to life with a newborn.

A day or trip out was off the cards as you didn't know how you'd feel so he can hardly book holidays to Rome to celebrate.

You admit yourself you don't know what you want so I can see why he hasn't bought anything as a surprise as if you have no idea what you'd like, you won't have been giving off hints or ideas for him to go buy, how the hell is he supposed to know. If you don't like expensive things for yourself and would rather spend on baby and told him this when he's tried to buy you something why where you expecting a special gift off him on the morning. Could he have taken you for your word and not wanted to buy gifts to surprise you with after you'd just said you'd rather spend the money on the baby?

You've told people you don't want to plan a party as understandably you didn't know how you'd feel, I don't think he's a twat for not booking a day/night out or trip abroad like you bought for him.

If you didn't have a newborn baby I'd have said it's ridiculous to suggest December for a night away and to get you a present but if he'd booked a trip away, even if just a night or two for now or the coming weeks close to your bday would you be ok leaving the baby with a sitter? No judgment at all if you'd be ok with leaving baby now but is there a chance he felt you may not want to yet?

If he hadn't put so much effort into the gifts from the kids I'd be calling him an arse but you woke up to lovely things on your birthday because of him and it kind of sounds like he's followed your lead on everything else. It sounds like maybe a night away on a few months when you've both adjusted to new baby might be a good idea and maybe you can give him some ideas of things you'd like as a gift and ask him to surprise you with one that weekend?

OliviaHarrison · 29/07/2019 03:08

Yabu

I think you need to re read your post. He has made lots of efforts.

It may not be your dream birthday but you have a newborn and things have been busy and unpredictable. Not really a good time to make party, holiday, dinner plans so I think he has done a really good job.

DressingGown · 29/07/2019 03:24

YABU for generalising that “men are useless at those things,” let alone the rest. He couldn’t win. Enjoy your new baby Flowers and have a wonderful time when you go away in December.

TheWernethWife · 29/07/2019 07:16

Confused here - your husband is "not even a builder" but has gone and built an extension to your home. Is this legal, did you get planning permission, did you get professionals in to do electrics, gas etc.

Shoxfordian · 29/07/2019 07:21

I think he could have bought you a present separately, its not that hard to choose a necklace or some perfume or something. Yanb entirely unreasonable

NCforthis2019 · 29/07/2019 08:14

You didn’t even know what you wanted but it’s his fault? He asked what you wanted and you didn’t pick.
Yabu and acting like a spoilt brat - I feel bad for your husband.

louise5754 · 29/07/2019 08:27

I'm sorry but you found very spoilt.

He did buy you a gift
He took you for lunch
He took you shopping for more gifts
He said he will take you away for a night and buy you another gift whilst there.

I feel for your husband.

AnneKipanki · 29/07/2019 08:33

He organised gifts from children.
Took you shopping for you to choose something you would want.
YABU.

londonrach · 29/07/2019 08:38

Yabu. He got you a present. You got building work, new baby so money must be tight. I dont think you realise how lucky you are.

SandyY2K · 29/07/2019 08:38

YABU

If you don't know what you wanted, how would he know.

He made a lot of effort with gifts from DS... you know it's him who did it.

You didnt want a party...totally understandable. I think going away in December is a nice idea.

Topsecretidentity · 29/07/2019 08:44

Sorry OP, I think yabu. It's probably the new baby hormones. I'm the same as you, had my 30th with a newborn and my husband did less than yours but I understood as with a newborn it's all up in the air, and I hadn't told him explicitly what I wanted.

So like my husband, I'm sure your husband didn't want to waste money on a surprise you might have hated, when there's a new baby and money is tight. His gesture still sounds lovely as you can't go away now anyway!

apostropheuse · 29/07/2019 09:06

Your husband has been busy building an extension, you've both got a new baby and have other children to look after,and you tokd him not to make plans for your birthday as you may not be up to it due to the new baby, which is fair enough.Your husband still made a decent effort for your birthday - he bought lovely gifts from your children, took you to lunch when you said you would be ok with that and promised to do something else on December when your baby's older. Not to mention him taking you shopping to look for something).

I don't know how much more he could have done. YABVU and sound like a spoiled teenager.

seven201 · 29/07/2019 09:26

I think he has made some effort. Just because you go overboard (as is your right) for him doesn't mean he needs to go all out for yours. If it wasn't for the extension and the baby he'd probably have done more. He got you a thoughtful present from the baby and you went for lunch, I'd be happy with just that personally.