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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH not to work on his days off when I need him at home

91 replies

ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 11:05

DH has always worked mon-fri 10am until 9pm, for the past two weeks he's telling me he now has to work Saturdays too according to the new boss who is apparently very mercenary.

This is problematic for one reason only, I'm having a mental health crisis and I'm frightened of being left alone with the children. He's needed here. I would never harm them and I'm not a risk to them IMO, but I'm not coping and barely functioning. I did have a thread on here not so long ago where I was debating referring myself to social services, some of you may remember it. I've started my meds but I'm not in a stable mindset yet and far from it. I had a particularly bad day on Thursday and a doctor came out to the house.

There's no particular reason DH has to take on extra days, he doesn't have a large amount of responsibility and the company is not under staffed. He can't tell me why this is suddenly expected of him.

My DM sits with me during the week whilst he works but can't come on the weekends because she has her own commitments and does more than enough already.

AIBU to think DH shouldn't be happily going along with working extra days whilst things are bad at home? He's barely here as it is so I need him to take on at least some of the load on the weekend.

He dropped the bombshell this morning that he was going into work, apparently he had already told me that the Saturday thing was now set in stone but I don't recall him telling me that, I thought last week was a one off until today.

One of our children is autistic and has additional needs so he requires alot of extra care. I'm trying so hard to get better, I really am, but I do need as much help as I can get at the moment until things improve.

Do I just suck it up or is this something be should be addressing? Sad

OP posts:
user87382294757 · 27/07/2019 11:24

What about his contract surely when he took the job n it stated the hours there? I think he is being unreasonable, I also have the same issue you have and it has only started to get better now mine are a bit older- no SN here either. At the very least he needs to check his contract, talk to them and plan with you some sort of way of dealing with this. I am a bit fed up here as my DH has also been working loads this holidays and feeling very trapped and resentful. I need some time for headscape just a bit, or get much worse.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/07/2019 11:32

Are they paying him for the extra day's work on top of already long hours?

If not, that's not on whatever responsibilities he has outside work.

ForalltheSaints · 27/07/2019 11:32

Is he being bullied by his new boss into coming in on Saturdays?

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 11:35

His contract is for a set amount of hours per week and these Saturdays do take him over the contracted hours, but he says he's now expected to do it according to the new boss so it's discussion over as far as he's concerned.

I'm sorry you can relate, it's really shit isn't it. I agree headspace is absolutely nessecarily and, probably like you, I get none of that at the moment.

Doing a fair share of parenting is just as important as working IMO if not even more so. I hope things get better for you soon.

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Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 11:37

He is being paid for working Saturday but not at an over time rate, just the standard amount per hour that he usually gets.

I don't think he's being bullied to work per say, but he does say the new manager is overly strict (with everybody) and making his presence known.

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IsobelRae23 · 27/07/2019 11:39

So he’s doing 55 hour weeks as the norm, now plus a Saturday, so taking his working week up to 66 hours- that’s almost double a normal working week of 37.5 hours. That’s crazy. The only people who I know who do this a) put themselves in for extra shifts or b) are contracted and paid 37.5 put you end up doing this amount of hours because of workload 🙋‍♀️but half of it’s from home/hotel.

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 11:39

Part of me thinks he's going along with it because he prefers working to being at home with his boring DW and kids.

He gets to have a laugh at work, socialise, meanwhile things are a bit unhappy at home because of my MH.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 11:41

It's bonkers really isn't it. You'd be even more surprised if I told you what his job were. We're not professionals, he works in a highstreet chain. He does work hard but it's not as though he, personally, is tantamount to the business running smoothly or doing well.

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Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 11:46

Oh and Sunday he's out half of the day as he goes to the gym with his friend religiously on the same day every day for years, so he's only here for half of Sunday too. He's practically never here.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 27/07/2019 11:49

Sounds like he is avoiding family life.

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 11:55

I agree.

When our youngest was a couple weeks old and I was very poorly he "opted in" to work an extra day of his own free will when he should have been with us, this caused a big row and he opted out - but this feels like more of the same to me.

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Livelovebehappy · 27/07/2019 12:07

Op, are you sure he is definitely going to be working, and not taking himself off elsewhere? Just wondering whether he just doesn’t want to be home due to finding it difficult to face the obvious issues there currently. Totally inexcusable if that’s the case. But I would check - do you see how much he gets paid each week so that you can see if his pay reflects the extra hours he’s now doing?

ReanimatedSGB · 27/07/2019 12:08

I think he's probably going to work to get out of having to look after you and the DC.
Yes, it's selfish of him, but I have a bit of sympathy for him. It is very exhausting and draining to have a partner with MH issues and DC with additional needs. If you are as ill as you say, you should really be recieving professional support - did you contact SS? Because it may also be the case that he does feel under pressure to work additional hours without complaining: he's the only one earning, and he may be terrified of what would happen to you all if he stood up for himself with the new boss and got the sack or had his hours cut.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 27/07/2019 12:11

If the working is non-negotiable, the extra money needs to be used to pay for care support on Saturdays. Are you getting any kind of support /allowances for your child with autism?

LannieDuck · 27/07/2019 12:14

YANBU.

Do you normally work FT when not on mat leave (obv not sure if your MH allows that)?

These are his kids too. he needs to start parenting. When do you get half a day off every week?

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 12:17

I'm fairly sure he's going to work, he leaves with his work stuff on and takes his work bag. I don't have access to his pay slips though so I wouldn't be able to tally up his hours. He has a separate account which his wages go into, I don't have access to it, he puts x amount in my account monthly for utilities, shopping and things the DC need.

I'm receiving the help I should be getting. I have a brilliant therapist who I'll be seeing every week for EMDR as of monday so I'm accessing everything I can to get better and am hopefully on the right track, just not there yet. I'm really trying, though.

I've had endless battles trying to get DS the help he needs as at the moment he has none and it's very difficult and all on me.

I do appreciate it's not a walk in the park for him either, but he gets alot of time to be away from the situation whereas I get none. I'm really overwhelmed with my own MH and looking after/advocating for the children, sometimes I think working all week would be easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 12:22

I worked FT until we had our eldest and now we have a second (baby)

My MH decline is due to my second birth trauma and a near death experience associated to the birth. I was very poorly and almost didn't make it.

Ideally, I'd liked to have been working again by now but I've developed PTSD, crippling anxiety and PND (diagnosed)

Our SN child is beginning the pathway for diagnosis but isn't yet diagnosed, I don't receive DLA for him although I probably should apply because he does require alot of extra care.

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Orchidflower1 · 27/07/2019 12:22

So sorry you’re having such an awful time at the moment. If it’s a big high street store chain I assume they have a HR department could you dh contact them for advise re he hours. I’m sad to say it sounds like he’s asked for the extra shifts.

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 12:25

I think so too Orchid Sad

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 27/07/2019 12:30

The most concerning thing here is the fact you don’t know about how much he earns.

This should be totally transparent, and the fact you don’t know, means he can sign up for whatever days and you don’t know how much it affects incom

jaseyraex · 27/07/2019 12:31

My DH also works for a big high street company. When I was bad with PND and just starting on antidepressants he took 2 weeks of annual leave and his boss very kindly gave him his 2 days off right before and right after so it was 18 days off in total. Has your DH tried to take any time off to help you? Has be discussed your issues at all with his boss or area manager or anyone at all? They might be understanding and do what they can to help. It definitely sounds like he has requested these extra hours or jumped at the chance to have them when offered, which is really shit Sad

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 27/07/2019 12:32

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I am inclined to agree with the others that he's choosing to go to work because he can't cope with what's happening at home. Do you have any other support you can call on?

PancakeAndKeith · 27/07/2019 12:33

Part of me thinks he's going along with it because he prefers working to being at home with his boring DW and kids.

It sounds a lot like it.
Do you know any of his work mates? Can you ask them?

NorthEndGal · 27/07/2019 12:39

Does he look after them himself Sunday afternoon so you at least get some time to yourself?

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 12:40

He had 3 weeks off when baby was born as we were both in HDU in hospital, but since that has resumed normal working hours until now when suddenly he has to work more.

I've noticed a slight change over the past few weeks too but didn't know whether I was looking too much into it. Usually he would call me on his three short breaks (always initiated by him and never expected) to see how we're doing and how the kids have been, but he stopped doing that and would only text instead.

I brought it up and asked why he had suddenly stopped calling and he said it was because he thought I didn't want him to Confused he brought up a row we'd had weeks ago where I said he wasn't being particularly fair in making me shoulder all the responsibility for DS's SN, and said he felt I wasn't very happy with him at the minute and probably didn't want him calling me in the day. The argument had long since been resolved, at least verbally, so I don't know what that had to do with anything.

If it's relevant, he was unfaithful to me when I was pregnant with our first years ago. I know. We had couples counselling and managed to move past it with alot of effort on both sides, but obviously I do wonder.

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