To expect DH not to work on his days off when I need him at home

[ShamefulNc]

DH has always worked mon-fri 10am until 9pm, for the past two weeks he's telling me he now has to work Saturdays too according to the new boss who is apparently very mercenary.

This is problematic for one reason only, I'm having a mental health crisis and I'm frightened of being left alone with the children. He's needed here. I would never harm them and I'm not a risk to them IMO, but I'm not coping and barely functioning. I did have a thread on here not so long ago where I was debating referring myself to social services, some of you may remember it. I've started my meds but I'm not in a stable mindset yet and far from it. I had a particularly bad day on Thursday and a doctor came out to the house.

There's no particular reason DH has to take on extra days, he doesn't have a large amount of responsibility and the company is not under staffed. He can't tell me why this is suddenly expected of him.

My DM sits with me during the week whilst he works but can't come on the weekends because she has her own commitments and does more than enough already.

AIBU to think DH shouldn't be happily going along with working extra days whilst things are bad at home? He's barely here as it is so I need him to take on at least some of the load on the weekend.

He dropped the bombshell this morning that he was going into work, apparently he had already told me that the Saturday thing was now set in stone but I don't recall him telling me that, I thought last week was a one off until today.

One of our children is autistic and has additional needs so he requires alot of extra care. I'm trying so hard to get better, I really am, but I do need as much help as I can get at the moment until things improve.

Do I just suck it up or is this something be should be addressing?

Urgh it sounds like he is opting out of being at home because he finds it stressful.
His autism could be a factor in this.

You really need to have a chat with him. He’s a husband and a father. He doesn’t get to “opt out” unfortunately.

Call his bluff and tell him if things don’t improve them then you will separate and he can have the kids 50/50. See what he thinks of that!

I had EMDR for PTSD - it can be intense but it really worked for me.
Ditto Sertraline - takes a few weeks to settle but I get on well with it.

I probably sound completely pathetic in my posts, but I'm trying so hard to get out of this slump I'm in. I don't know how to be anything other than how I am right now. I try to start the day with a positive mindset but I still crumble, what else can I do so as not to burden people other than not exist? This is my life, I didn't ask for any of this. I'm doing everything I can to get better. I don't want DH to see me as a burden, it bloody hurts that he might do.

Yes my DM keeps me company during the week but she does that because she's worried about me, she comes of her own volition and she isn't expected to take on any of the childcare when she comes. I do everything by myself regardless. I don't expect anybody other than DH to do a share of child rearing.

I probably sound completely pathetic in my posts

You absolutely don't. Please don't listen to that one negative post, focus on the other posts. Actually just be glad that you're not a horrible person like they are. Good people don't say things like they did, especially to people who are struggling with life.

Thank you rain on, and others for being kind

Hi OP
Nothing to add on the husband front but I do want to say keep going with the Sertraline. It does take at least two weeks to kick in but once it does you'll really notice the difference, particularly with the anxiety.

For me it was life changing, and weirdly after taking it for a year I'm convinced the effect is permanent if I come off it.

I've also taken propranolol which is good for the immediate physical symptoms of anxiety but can make some people depressed.

The fact you are even posting, let alone getting medical help just proves what a fantastic Mother you are.

Also, and this is going to be really unpopular...... Don't underestimate the impact of marriage to someone with ASD.

Well, I think husbands should be supporting a wife with health problems- not just the DC. That is marriage - 'in sickness and in health' is it not. It is what he signed up to.

Some sick people to kick someone when ill. Unpleasant. I get PIP / ESA for my mental health and other illness. It is about support I need. I try not to think of myself as a burden - it is an illness after all. Would we do that for any other illness?

I wish others would think before they write such rubbish. I hope you are OK OP and if it helps any, I sometimes post on Elefriends, which is a site run by Mind. It is called that because it is the 'elephant in the room'

I would recommend it if you want to post about how you feel without the fear of some of the idiots on here.

I'm not surprised you're having a mh crisis!

What support do you get when he IS home? I suspect precious little.

Glad you have started meds. Be aware they can take several weeks to "kick in" and can occasionally make you feel worse initially - I've been dealing with my own mental illness for almost 15 years now and been on loads of different meds (partly as it can be "trial and error" and partly as I've developed reactions to some I was taking fine at one point and have had to stop them)

Have you been referred to community mental health team? Social services? That's usually what happens. Not as a criticism of you but to support you and your family at a difficult time.

Quite honestly those hours would easily take him over what he can legally be made to do I believe? (I'm sure a more knowledgeable mner will advise if I'm wrong) so I'm pretty sceptical that what he's telling you is actually true!

Sounds to me like he simply doesn't want to be at home and BEING a husband and father.

I'd be tempted to call his bluff and go down the route of saying "well that's illegal, they can't make you do that. Let's get straight onto ACAS and your Union (if he's in one - he should be) and get this nonsense bullying sorted" his response to that could be very telling!

"Part of me thinks he's going along with it because he prefers working to being at home with his boring DW and kids." And your mind is telling you similar

"Oh and Sunday he's out half of the day as he goes to the gym with his friend religiously on the same day every day for years, so he's only here for half of Sunday too. He's practically never here." Oh ffs! He's taking the piss! You'd probably be better off as a single parent! If not financially then certainly emotionally/practically!

I wouldn't be happy with the lack of transparency on financial matters either.

Time for a serious discussion on him making the effort on being a decent husband and father I think. You certainly can't carry on as you are.

Even without your and your child's health issues it would be unreasonable for him to only really spend one half day a week with you!

OP you sound very brave and you’re putting your DH and your kids first. You are not a shit person or parent.
Please see if you can get an appointment with your GP and find a way to get yourself better so you can try and enjoy your life a little more.
Good luck to you, you sound like you have your head screwed on as you’ve recognised family dynamic weaknesses and you are addressing them accordingly. Go OP! 💐

so hes with you one afternoon and evening a week-sorry thats not good enough he has responsibilites he cant go off on jollies every week on his only day off

Aw thank you all you're very kind

To reiterate I do have support for my mental health, GP is lovely and prescribed the sertraline and beta blockers and I've got a psychologist who I'm working with.

We've only met once so far but spend quite some time talking to her and feel she's well qualified to help, she has a hell of lot of experience (20+ years) and has told me very matter of factly that I'm somebody she can help. I see her again on Monday and then every Monday on going for the EMDR.

I will stick at the sertraline, it's not very nice so far but I'm going to push on through the side effects.

I did want to involve social services but DH was adamant he didn't want the intrusion and thinks it'll do more harm than good, what he means by that is he thinks I'll stress about the involvement. He may have a point. We will see how I get on with therapy etc before I revisit the possibility.

My GP, health visitor and therapist have no concerns about my ability to parent based on the information shared about my MH so that's something, at least. I do my best with the DC im just not always convinced it's good enough, but that's the joy of PND isn't it - you doubt yourself.

I've just heard from DH again and he was being quite sweet actually. He said he's spoken properly with the boss and explained the home situation, wife who's unwell and child with additional needs, said he can't do anymore Saturdays because he's needed at home. He's of the impression boss seemed more understanding now. I hope that's all true and he's not being disingenuous because he thinks that's what I want to hear.

Hes booked the afternoon off on Monday so he can accompany me to one of DS's appointments. It'll be the first one he's ever come to.

I asked him whether he saw me as a burden because I feel like one and he assures me he doesn't. I said I know it's not exactly easy living with somebody who has MH problems and he said "but it's not easy having to leave you guys and go to work either" whatever that means.

He also says he's not going to the gym this Sunday, which I'm pleased about. I didn't force his hand or mention it first, he's said he wants to be around to support me more.

Feeling a little better now, the support here has really elped. I don't talk about my trauma much IRL so it's nice to be listened to.

I'm going to check out the elefriends site for MH too, thanks for the reccomendarion user. I probably set myself up for at least one shitty comment with me posting on AIBU! I think one negative comment is ok considering the nature of the board

I've no idea what's brought about this sudden "I want to help more" I can only assume he's been thinking about it throughout the day after I made it abundantly clear this morning I was very unhappy about the extra work days and lack of hands on support with the DC.

We will see whether this lasts.

I dont know whether all of this is lip service but I assume he must have been reflecting on the brief conversation we had when he was getting ready for work. I was clearly very upset at the time. Fingers crossed hey

He has an autistic child and a wife with mental health issues, he clearly doesn't want to deal with it. It's obvious he'd rather be at work than face all of the problems at home.
Have you got anyone else who will help you through this, parents maybe?

OP, your latest post is good news. Hopefully DH is being honest, and the boss will be more understanding going forward.
But please make sure you are getting enough support - both from DH, and professionally if it is needed. And does DH have someone to talk to if needed? He absolutely needs to pull his socks up and help out more at home, but dealing second-hand with MH and SN can be draining too, so I do have some sympathy.

But, don't be harsh on yourself, and please dont take any notice of people like the above poster, on MN or otherwise.

I don't have first hand experience of Sertraline, but Dsis was on it for some time and it did help immensely. She also experienced side effects - most notably constant nausea. However she said that when she took the medication just before bed, these side effects were not noticeable the next day, but caused insomnia instead. If you're already taking sleeping aids, perhaps these might cancel out the insomnia (though of course they may be less effective on the flip side, which wouldn't be desirable). But would taking the Sertraline at night be worth a try?

As I said, I don't have first hand experience, and wouldn't want to suggest anything which would make things worse, but perhaps other MNers could second or contradict this?

Hopefully that means dh and you as a family/couple have turned a corner into a more supportive and positive road.

Wrt social service involvement I'm worried your concerns are based on misinformation and myth.

Particularly with having a child with additional needs, having a social worker experienced in navigating and accessing the support needed can be hugely helpful.

They wouldn't be there to criticise or disrupt your parenting but to give support at a difficult time.

They're often very knowledgeable on what additional services are available locally too, I've found more so than hcps.