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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH not to work on his days off when I need him at home

91 replies

ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 11:05

DH has always worked mon-fri 10am until 9pm, for the past two weeks he's telling me he now has to work Saturdays too according to the new boss who is apparently very mercenary.

This is problematic for one reason only, I'm having a mental health crisis and I'm frightened of being left alone with the children. He's needed here. I would never harm them and I'm not a risk to them IMO, but I'm not coping and barely functioning. I did have a thread on here not so long ago where I was debating referring myself to social services, some of you may remember it. I've started my meds but I'm not in a stable mindset yet and far from it. I had a particularly bad day on Thursday and a doctor came out to the house.

There's no particular reason DH has to take on extra days, he doesn't have a large amount of responsibility and the company is not under staffed. He can't tell me why this is suddenly expected of him.

My DM sits with me during the week whilst he works but can't come on the weekends because she has her own commitments and does more than enough already.

AIBU to think DH shouldn't be happily going along with working extra days whilst things are bad at home? He's barely here as it is so I need him to take on at least some of the load on the weekend.

He dropped the bombshell this morning that he was going into work, apparently he had already told me that the Saturday thing was now set in stone but I don't recall him telling me that, I thought last week was a one off until today.

One of our children is autistic and has additional needs so he requires alot of extra care. I'm trying so hard to get better, I really am, but I do need as much help as I can get at the moment until things improve.

Do I just suck it up or is this something be should be addressing? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 13:41

He's just called on his lunch break to check in, he said the manager is being an arse and is getting people's backs up according to him another member of staff has been made to work 6 days this week, going beyond their contracted hours and is also peed off.

He said he has told the manager he's not supposed to be working Saturdays, manager said (apparently) that he knows that but will give extra shifts when he can, DH replied (apparently) that he doesn't want them.

I reminded him he can't be forced to work extra hours outside his contract and he said he knows but doesn't want to push it because he's not in the new managers good books at the moment because he's been slightly late on a few occasions.

He's always complaining he's unhappy there but doesn't want to find another job, even before this so-called arse new manager started.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 27/07/2019 13:59

I'm planning to find a new job as soon as my MH improves to the extent where I can lead a normal life, I'm hoping this will be before Christmas. I miss working.

I think that could be really good for you. I got PND after my second and it cleared up when I went back to work. It must be so hard trying to make arrangements for your SN child without any support from DH. Being back at work, where you can have breaks, concentrate on tasks for more than 30 secs at a time, and get paid for your hard work will hopefully make a massive difference.

Also he wouldn't hear of me going back to work full time and leaving him with the DC 24-7, he's said many a time he would go stir crazy... erm hello DH

Wow, I can't stand hypocrisy. You need to revisit that conversation.

How about suggesting he takes a week of A/L and looks after the children while you stay with your Mum? You could arrange to come back on the Sat, and then call last minute and say you can't come back on Sat after all, you'll be back on Sunday. Arrive back on Sunday, then leave again immediately for the gym.

Ask him if he thinks that would be a reasonable thing for you to do to him. If he says yes, do it! If he says no, ask him what would be reasonable.

justasking111 · 27/07/2019 14:14

What meds are you on OP?

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 14:31

A baby sitter would be great, I can look into getting one so I can have a bit more me time, well some me time, I don't get any at the minute.

I'm on sertraline, proparonol (so?) and sleepers at night time to help me sleep. I've only just started the sertraline and it's not doing anything yet other than make me more panicky and feel sick Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 14:36

Unfortunately I've got zero chance of getting him to take a weeks A/L, as good as it would be if he did.

He's painting the new manager as a mini Hitler.

I also don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving him with the DC for a week because as good as he is with them, he's not as clued up as I am IRT DS's additional needs as he spends much less time with him than I do. DS is very dependent on me which I love, and as much as he adores his dad, DH is clueless when it comes to dealing with his meltdowns despite being ASD himself.

OP posts:
Mitzicoco · 27/07/2019 14:40

@ShamefulNc

So sorry you're having such a lousy time. I've had EMDR and I would be prepared for it- it's pretty full on. I'm sure your therapist wouldn't be suggesting it if you weren't in a stable enough state to do it. It worked quite well for me, whereas cbt didn't. I guess everyone is different, but want to wish you good luck for your EMDR and my advice would be, give it everything you've got!
Flowers

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 14:49

Thank you @Mitzicoco I really hope it helps. What exactly happens during the sessions may I ask? I'll be seeing my therapist for 16 appointments over a period of 16 weeks (unless I need more after)

I'm there Monday, that appointment is to go over some techniques to manage my panic and to 'prep' for the EMDR which will be next.

She's picked up on four different traumas I need to work on, my recent birth trauma being the latest.

She pushed me to start the sertraline (I kept putting it off) as she said it will act as a cushion during the treatment. If I'm honest, it's not doing much cushioning and is making me feel physically bleugh on top of the mental issues I already have.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 27/07/2019 14:53

Sounds to me like he can’t cope at home and is working longer hours instead. Read what you will into my suggestion, but that’s how it sounds to me. Being out of the house for as much as possible in order to avoid a breakdown himself??

TinyGhostWriter · 27/07/2019 15:05

Look, posters saying that he is an arse and avoiding home life are jumping to conclusions. This is feeding into how you are feeling right now, and is not necessarily the situation.

From what you have written, it sounds like his boss is an arse. He doesn’t respect that people have lives outside of work. Your DH has spoken to him and he was dismissive.

Some people find it hard to stand up for themselves and set boundaries at work. In addition, some fields of work are less sympathetic to men than women when it comes to family commitments. Is he a member of a trade union?

Personally, I would encourage him to be more assertive with this and be very clear that he will not work on Saturdays.

TwistyTop · 27/07/2019 15:31

Either his boss is bullying him or he is purposely avoiding family life.

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 15:50

I don't think be boss is singling him out to bully him as he said another colleague was complaining of the same today, if what he says is true.

Boss does sound like an arse though, DH has done nothing but complain about him since new boss started there.

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 27/07/2019 15:57

Your DH needs to stand up for himself if his new boss is really that bad. What's more important, you or his boss' good opinion? He sounds like a coward to me.

DontTalkBloodyDaft · 27/07/2019 15:58

Have you sought professional intervention for your MH issues instead of relying on your mum and partner OP?
It sounds like, unsurprisingly, he is avoiding you.

DontTalkBloodyDaft · 27/07/2019 16:03

Sorry I've just read back to see that you have intervention, however, you state that you don't want to take the medication. In which case, it's hardly surprising that your partner appears to be choosing work over you.
If you're not going to help yourself then you can't expect him to.
Some employers expect their employees to work a certain amount of overtime when needed.

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 16:04

Harsh, yes I have DontTalkBloodyDaft

I'm on medication and I'm beginning therapy. I'm sure I included that in my OP.

I've sought help myself, didn't rely on anybody else to do it for me. I still need support from my nearest whilst I recover though obviously.

I couldn't feel any more a burden than I already do. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 16:05

Huh? I do take medication?

OP posts:
DontTalkBloodyDaft · 27/07/2019 16:06

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 16:06

I've never expected him to help me with my mental health, although in most marriages I'm sure the husband would feel duty bound to offer emotional support.

I only expect him to help with his children, not pander around me.

OP posts:
Rainonmyguitar · 27/07/2019 16:07

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 16:08

I'm sorry if my brain has had an extreme reaction to almost losing my fucking life and I'm struggling with my mental health as well as single handedly looking after 2 children one of which has SN. I do apologise.

Thank you to those of you who were kind. I shouldn't have posted

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 16:14

It's ok DTBD has only reinforced what I already thought of myself anyway. I'm well aware I'm a shit parent and weak person.

OP posts:
TinyGhostWriter · 27/07/2019 16:17

It’s good to reach out for support, but mumsnet is an unkind forum at times.

I’ve noticed that sometimes threads on take a strange turn and people either begin to bash the OP or pile on and jump to conclusions about the person an AIBU is about.

TinyGhostWriter · 27/07/2019 16:19

You are not a shit parent or a weak person

blackcat86 · 27/07/2019 16:20

I might have to check out EDMR. I had integrative therapy which I found helpful. I also got much worse after my debrief. We knew something had gone horribly wrong but knowing how close we were to losing DD due to hospital negligence was terrifying and I just couldn't handle it. I felt like part of me is in what could have been land and just how awful that would have been. I second looking at going back to work as soon as possible..it really gave me my power back and forced DH to step up because I wasnt just at home at everyone's convenience. I'm glad they are looking at past traumas to with you. I suspect that may the route of it.

blackcat86 · 27/07/2019 16:23

Oh and DTBD is fucking disgusting. How they can say that to someone already buried under the weight of a traumatic experience plus caring for an SN child and a baby is beyond me.