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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH not to work on his days off when I need him at home

91 replies

ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 11:05

DH has always worked mon-fri 10am until 9pm, for the past two weeks he's telling me he now has to work Saturdays too according to the new boss who is apparently very mercenary.

This is problematic for one reason only, I'm having a mental health crisis and I'm frightened of being left alone with the children. He's needed here. I would never harm them and I'm not a risk to them IMO, but I'm not coping and barely functioning. I did have a thread on here not so long ago where I was debating referring myself to social services, some of you may remember it. I've started my meds but I'm not in a stable mindset yet and far from it. I had a particularly bad day on Thursday and a doctor came out to the house.

There's no particular reason DH has to take on extra days, he doesn't have a large amount of responsibility and the company is not under staffed. He can't tell me why this is suddenly expected of him.

My DM sits with me during the week whilst he works but can't come on the weekends because she has her own commitments and does more than enough already.

AIBU to think DH shouldn't be happily going along with working extra days whilst things are bad at home? He's barely here as it is so I need him to take on at least some of the load on the weekend.

He dropped the bombshell this morning that he was going into work, apparently he had already told me that the Saturday thing was now set in stone but I don't recall him telling me that, I thought last week was a one off until today.

One of our children is autistic and has additional needs so he requires alot of extra care. I'm trying so hard to get better, I really am, but I do need as much help as I can get at the moment until things improve.

Do I just suck it up or is this something be should be addressing? Sad

OP posts:
DeadZed · 27/07/2019 12:41

Having been in the OP's partner's position I would also suggest he is avoiding being at home because he doesn't know how to cope with it. It can be absolutely terrifying and exhausting supporting someone through a mental health crisis. Saying that, he should be trying to lift the load at home especially in regards to the dc.

justasking111 · 27/07/2019 12:41

He is hiding from you OP. I went through something like this PND panic attacks, it was so hard on OH looking back.

LizzieSiddal · 27/07/2019 12:42

Could you make him see how series the situation is?

You are coping on your own and feel like a single parent.

Tell him that if you seperated, you'd at least get a break as he would have the children and you'd have time on your own.

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 12:43

He does hold the fort on Sunday evening's so I can relax, but I'm hardly leaving the house at the minute so unable to use that time for anything hugely beneficial to me.

I have some support from my DM during the week which I'm thankful for, but nobody else.

I've been mindful not to kick off about the sudden Saturday working on the off chance that it really is his managers say so and he has no choice, as not to put undue pressure on him if this really is something he's not happy about (so he says)

OP posts:
user87382294757 · 27/07/2019 12:46

It wouldn't surprise me if it was his lack of presence and support that is adding greatly to your MH problems- I feel lots worse when mine is working away / lots of the time...feels like the rug is being pulled from under me. he already works evenings. How would he feel if you went back to work so much and left him alone with the DC all of the time.

I would look into DLA / PIP and also Homestart maybe for some more support. But really he needs to step up, take them out at weekends to give you a break. Or if he has half a day, you have the other. Go out Sunday afternoons, for example, I do, go for a swim or a walk. Kind thoughts it is not easy Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 27/07/2019 12:47

FFS, don't start phoning his workmate or his employer! That's terrible advice. They will either laugh at you or tell you to piss off. The HR department would not be able to give you details of an employee's hours even if you say you are the employee's wife: this will not help your MH issues.

user87382294757 · 27/07/2019 12:47

Sorry X posted, so maybe he can take them out Sunday afternoons so you can have a break. We all need some time away.

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 12:47

It has occurred on occasion that he doesn't want to me around me because of my MH Sad

I try to hide it as best I can when he's here and mask what I can. I don't use him as a crutch or offload all of my shit onto him, at least not consciously. I'm quiet alot of the time because I'm in a constant state of fear and do have panic attacks, but I'm not shouty with him or the DC and don't think I'm too unpleasant to be around (at least my DM says I'm not)

I'm probably making him miserable aren't I Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 12:51

I feel very much the same as you've described user, like the rug is pulled out from under my feet when he's not here. I cope considerably better when he's at home.

I only know one other person from his work place, from the days I used to work there myself years ago. We chat on social media every few months but I wouldn't dream of quizzing her about DH it would show me right up, and him. The rest of the work force consists of new people who I don't know, they have a high staff turn over. I haven't worked there for about 5 years now whereas DH stayed on.

OP posts:
INeedAFlerken · 27/07/2019 12:51

He's clearly opting out of family life. There's no way his boss is 'making' him work over his contracted hours for a 6th straight day for those long hours, especially uncompensated. He just isn't. You need to pull him up on it immediately. This is his high needs child, too, and he needs to do his share at home at the weekends.

katmarie · 27/07/2019 12:53

You shouldn't have to mask anything. You should do your best to cope with your illnesses as best you can, in the same way as if you had a broken leg there is a difference between laying on the sofa expecting everything to be done for you, and getting up and about as best you can without further injuring yourself or restricting your recovery. But no one would ever expect you to hide or mask the fact you have a broken leg from your dh, so why do you need to hide your mental health problems, particularly as you are dealing with them. Recovery takes time and need support from loved ones. He is jeopardising your recovery back to full heslth by not providing that support and you deserve better.

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 12:54

Also he wouldn't hear of me going back to work full time and leaving him with the DC 24-7, he's said many a time he would go stir crazy... erm hello DH Hmm Confused

I'm planning to find a new job as soon as my MH improves to the extent where I can lead a normal life, I'm hoping this will be before Christmas. I miss working.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 12:58

I do try and mask what I can because I'm worried about coming across as a burden, although I know I shouldn't.

DH has autism (high functioning) and the world is very black and white for him. He has never had poor mental health and I don't think he understands how debilitating it can be for people who do.

OP posts:
electricmoogaloo · 27/07/2019 12:58

Why don’t you know how much he earns - you should have access to all accounts, not just an allowance- unless your mh makes you over spend but you should still
Know how much is in them. There are bigger issues that just your oh not wanting to be at home Flowers

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 27/07/2019 12:59

Could you ring shop and ask for him?? Dont have to give your name....

Abillity2019 · 27/07/2019 13:01

I've noticed a slight change over the past few weeks too but didn't know whether I was looking too much into it

he was unfaithful to me when I was pregnant with our first

I’d be checking his phone at the first opportunity to find out what’s really going on here.

jaseyraex · 27/07/2019 13:06

You need support. He doesn't have to be there all the time but he needs to support you, and the kids, considerably more than he is at the moment.
Can you have a good chat when he gets home today? Try and lay all the cards on the table, find out what he's thinking and feeling about everything. Let him know exactly what support you need from him. Perhaps he could at the very least try and cut back on hours at work, definitely drop the Saturday shift if its not necessary. Is there any possibility that he could start earlier and finish earlier? Definitely get him to take the kids out every now and again on Sunday afternoons, just having an hour or two to chill completely on your own in the quiet can do wonders!
Also get applying for DLA for your DC. My DS has been waiting almost 8 months for his official assessment and diagnosis to begin but we've been receiving DLA for nearly a year now. It really helps.

blackcat86 · 27/07/2019 13:06

Have you accessed any specialist birth trauma counselling? I had a similar experience to you except my health was at risk but it was actually DD who nearly died. Nothing I did felt good enough for our miracle baby and DH just checked out basically. I was diagnosed with PNA and PND (likely to become PTSD). antidepressants helped as did specialist counselling. I found that cbt wasnt effective. The birth trauma association could be a good resource for you. I was lucky to have a local charity who do this sort of thing to. I realised that a lot of my hurt and annoyance was based on things people had done before the birth and continued to do afterwards. This was a really useful thing to acknowledge because every issue was blamed on my MH or the traumatic birth - all these did were shine a spot light on issues that already existed. Maybe have think about if this could be the case for you because it sounds like you are shouldering all the hurt and responsibility for making things better when you've already been through enough

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 13:06

I've never cared much for the lack of transparency IRT his earnings, he's a very private and insular person which I've always (naively) attributed to him being autistic.

I've never felt the need to look into his finances because bills etc have always been taken care of, it's only since I began MN'ing I've started to see it's odd that his finances are kept seperatly.

I believe he's painting a picture of me in his mind as somebody who is controlling (because I've expressed a clear dislike to the fact he spends so much time out of the house and I get none) so if I were to ask to see his bank details now he'd likely use that as another way of telling himself I'm controlling.

It's shit really isn't it. He's very much a separate person.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 27/07/2019 13:07

Hi luv....yes it sounds like he is avoiding home life. Funny how men can always opt out Angry.

I would try talking to him to try to make him understand. Calmly. If he insists then calmly tell him you just cannot look after them in your home and you need childcare. Is your baby breast fed?

What I suggest is you get a babysitter for about 4 hours on Saturday? She could cone as you are serving lunch and she pretty much takes over and you go to your room and put ear plugs in. She supervises lunch, cleans up and lunch mess. Then takes them to the park for fresh air and activities. Getting out of the house really make s a difference to kids behaviour and tires them out. When they get back, you are refreshed and they probably sleep early.

He can escape family life but he needs to put something in place to mitigate the effects on you.

Original poster
ShamefulNc · 27/07/2019 13:11

I'm sorry you've been through the mill too blackcat Flowers

I'm going to be having EMDR therapy for my birth trauma and some past traumas too, so that's kind of postnatal MH support isn't it? I've heard good things about EMDR for PTSD so I'm hopeful.

I had an appointment for a debrief at the hospital to go over what happened, it was horrible. My therapist advised me to defer it for a few months because she doesn't feel as though I'm mentally strong enough to do that yet, before treatment, and wants me to concentrate on healing first.

I've never checked DH's phone as tempting as it would be sometimes, me not doing that is a form of self protection incase I do see something I didn't like - I couldn't handle it right now.

OP posts:
00Sassy · 27/07/2019 13:22

Are you in the UK?

If you are, the working time directive states that you cannot work more than 48 hours per week on average unless you opt out of the 48 hour week.

So, by law, he would only be able to work that many hours by his own choice.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 13:22

if I were to ask to see his bank details now he'd likely use that as another way of telling himself I'm controlling
Tell him straight that you don't believe he's working and her's back to his old tricks of cheating.

A person with nothing to hide wouldn't behave like he does.
If he's leaving you to effectively be a single parent then you'd be better off getting rid of him.

Feelingwalkedover · 27/07/2019 13:34

I think he’s chosen to work to avoid home life.

Feelingwalkedover · 27/07/2019 13:35

All money goes in to a join account you both have access to
Iswhat I would insist on