AIBU with expecting 50/50 split of earnings?

[shesellsseashell]

DH and I have been chatting this morning, his job involves money so he likes to take a lead on finances, asks me to send him X amount each month to cover outgoings, and this goes into a joint account with a bit extra for food shops and petrol left in there for the month which we both have access to. We then both have our own fun money.

I didn't realise that DHs fun money is actually £300 more than mine each month until a conversation today. He loves to travel and is doing a travel Challenge visiting lots of places before he's 40 (not something I want to join in with with 2yo DS but happy for him to do it!). He said he should have more fun money as he is doing this travel thing, and also earns more than me.

Before DS we had similar earnings, and since DS I've dropped responsibility in my career and dropped a day each week to be at home and look after DS.

What do you think? Am I right to feel a bit 'meh' about this?

Tell him that’s fine, you’ll address the earnings balance by returning to work full time and applying for a promotion. You can then evenly split the additional childcare costs and everyone’s “fun money” goes back to being the same.

Or he can stop taking the piss.

Well I am struggling to say this in a way that doesn't involve swearing.

YANBU. Your "D"H is being a selfish unreasonable twat. (Oops, failed at not swearing.)

I suggest joint access to and control of the finances from now on.

Perhaps you could invoice him for 1 day/week childcare plus all the extra childcare drop offs and picks ups you do because his Man Job is so much more important than yours.

Twat.

As soon as we had DS everything went into one pot. I work PT, DH FT as he was the higher earner.

Fun money is done on a "can WE afford it?" basis.

Does childcare come out of the joint account as well? Seems like you've sacrificed your career for your dc but what has he changed in his life for your family?

I earn a lot more than my DH - once 50/50 bills are split I obviously end up with a lot more "me" money than he does. (And it's more than £300 difference!) That's just life - I worked really hard - 2 degrees and professional qualifications to get where I am - he didn't (and yes he could have done but chose not to further himself)

I tend to pay for big purchases like holidays and stuff in the house though and also childcare

The posters saying about taking control of finances are just ridiculous

Tell him you'll be going back full time and he'll need to split the extra childcare costs with you - if you don't want to go back because your priorities have changed since having DC than that's a decision you have made and you'll need to live with it?

We have personal fun money, it's the same amount. It was the same amount for each of us when I was earning more, it's the same amount for each of us (but lower) now I'm on mat pay. I'm am for shared but independent finances if it's fair, this isn't, especially at you had an equitable income prior to having your child.

Why, in this day and age, are intelligent grown women still falling for this shit???

"The posters saying about taking control of finances are just ridiculous"

You think it's ridiculous to expect a woman to have joint and equal access to and control of her family's finances?

What is wrong with you?

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted

Same here but it’s not more than £300.

I pay for the family treats as it were, and holidays. I worked my backside off to progress my career and DH chose not to, he chose to go PT, we could have had him FT and split financing of childcare.

Hmm. We earned the same (him perhaps a bit less). Then a baby and I gave up work. DH's earnings rocketed.

TBH I had what I needed and he had what he needed. He had a football season ticket which I didn't and bought himself a fine piano without consultation and his work clothes were expensive when I was rolling on the floor with dc in leggings and teeshirt.

I didn't count op. I was happy and had what I wanted. 20 years later we still don't consult about personal spends much. He bought himself a wanky car; doesn't mean I want one. I spend £140pcm on my hair which I've never discussed with him.

Travel “challenge”?
Yep, it’s such a “challenge” spunking cash to get what you want.
He’s a dick for that alone.

I generally feel that separate money and amounts even between married couples is fine - until they make joint decisions about children.

Was it a joint decision? Why have you reduced responsibilities (pay?) AND dropped a day? Dropping a day is nice with a small child - fuck, it’s nice any time! But why step back in your career too?

It depends really whether this is a joint decision for you as a family, or whether he sees it as you’ve already spent your “fun” money on buying a day off a week. If that was a joint decision, they money should be equal.

How long has it taken you to realise that he has so much extra money?!!

It sounds like he's being really selfish. Whilst me and DH have a similar set up, when I worked pt he paid for meals / trips out and gave me cash when l needed it. He didnt spend it all on himself. I was struck by your comment about him wanting to travel but you not wanting to because of ds. How about you go to places that are suitable for the whole family? If he wanted to live a single life he should have stayed single.

I also earn more than double of my DH. Everything all into one account, we draw out a set amount of cash each week for food, petrol and £50 each 'spends'. The rest stays in the bank to pay all the remaining bills, and a set amount is transferred into savings accounts in joint names.
My DH has a couple of expensive hobbies, the money to fund this comes out of our joint account. I buy myself more clothes than I probably need out of the joint account.
I actually do all the financial stuff, just because he's happy to leave me to it.

It appears that the higher earners of either sex can be selfish self entitled twunts.

Fortunately DH and I have very similar salaries before and after DC so it's never been an issue but I know if there ever was an imbalance everything would be split so bills were shared fairly and extra cash evenly distributed.

Echo a Pp.. Why are people still falling for this selfish shit? Kick him up the arse and take back control of the family's NOT his... Finances since he can't be trusted not to be a selfish arse.

As soon as you have dc all finances should be equal in my book - someone’s career always suffers for at least a short while with maternity leave etc even if you don’t go part time or drop grades and it’s not fair to have one partner on an unequal footing.

DH earned a lot more than me while the dc were small. I went part time and he never ever quibbled over money, everything was joint, I could spend what I wanted and really appreciated the extra time with the dc. Now I’m back and have progressed and am the higher earner I do the same for him in return because we’re a team. Nothing to do with hard work, I have degree plus post qual and a professional job but dh has his own business so we have all worked hard in our own way in this house and we share the spoils of that hard work with our family. It seems a bit off to do anything else.

What a twat. You are covering all his share of the childcare and domestic chores to enable his travel hobby. Are you getting equal leisure time to pursue your interests?

Our circumstances have changed lots over the years since having DCs but DH and I have always, always worked out that we have equal spending money.

DH is a high earner, I’m on disability benefits due to becoming very ill after I had DS, I hobbled on for seven years working full time until I just couldn’t manage anymore and was finished from work on ill health grounds.

All our money goes into the same pot and everything comes out of that pot and what ever is left is split between savings and fun money.

It’s just how we’ve always done things.

We calculate our joint monthly outgoings, including all child-related stuff and family stuff like restaurants and days out in addition to mortgage and bills, and pay into a joint account proportionally to our earnings where all the expenses get drawn from. So for argument’s sake if outgoings for the month are £3000, I pay in £1200 and he pays in £1800 as he earns proportionally more than me.

What is left in our individual accounts is our own personal play money. He has way more than me and I have zero problem with this. He’s earned it - it’s not mine to spend. It also leads to no arguments about money spent on luxuries. He likes to make stupid splurge purchases every now and again which I think are utterly ridiculous, but because it’s entirely from his own spends, that’s up to him. If it came from a shared pot, we’d have a lot more arguments.

Prior to having children I was happy with us both keeping what we earnt although that was easy enough as it was pretty much similar. However since having DC I feel the same as you; my career has plateaued slightly when I would have moved up if I hadn’t been off for a year and needed to work just my hours so it’s not fair that DH gets more and gains from that

If he has more ‘fun’ money, he needs to step up to more child care time as at the moment you doing the childcare is enabling him to do his challenge.

When the kids are involved and one person takes a 'career' hit to raise them, I suppose there should be a more equal access (unless one person earns millions). If there are no kids and one person chooses a more lucrative demanding career and the other an easy going part time job, I don't see why the higher earner shouldn't have more disposable income to enjoy.

Of course YANBU. What a ridiculous thing for him to say. I would be furious about this.

I would seriously say to him that you'll go back to work full-time and then he can cover all of the childcare to make up for all this time that he's had all of this extra money. Or start charging him for childcare - it's bloody expensive so you should get a decent paycheck from it!

Perhaps then he will see how much of a dick he is being.

Also - why have you only just realised this now? Never let your DH keep you in the dark about finances. Even if you don't do completely joint finances you should still know what's going on, especially when he takes a monthly allowance off you to cover certain things. You have be open with each other about money or you can end up in a bad situation.

The bit that is definitely not right is that he did this behind your back and was not honest about it. He just assumed you'd be fine with having less money than him! This would make me feel really crap and under valued.

DH earns a lot more than me - pre kids we earned almost exactly the same, but now I work part time and have gone down a different career route (although it's still a professional career). I do a lot more childcare and housework than him. Our income is all shared jointly in one pot.

However, if there was something like this travel challenge that he was keen to do, I'd be happy for it to come out if the joint pot. I don't think sharing finances necessarily means you both get exactly the same fun money, especially if one of you wants it for a particular thing and the other person isn't bothered. It's the openness and good communication that is important here.

I don't see how dropping a day and stepping back were practical necessities, they sound more like something OP did because she wanted to. The benefit from money people don't make in order to have a nicer life never gets counted when financial contributions are considered.

Resuming work would presumably solve the problem. Alternatively he could pay her for half-a-days childcare.