AIBU with expecting 50/50 split of earnings?

[shesellsseashell]

DH and I have been chatting this morning, his job involves money so he likes to take a lead on finances, asks me to send him X amount each month to cover outgoings, and this goes into a joint account with a bit extra for food shops and petrol left in there for the month which we both have access to. We then both have our own fun money.

I didn't realise that DHs fun money is actually £300 more than mine each month until a conversation today. He loves to travel and is doing a travel Challenge visiting lots of places before he's 40 (not something I want to join in with with 2yo DS but happy for him to do it!). He said he should have more fun money as he is doing this travel thing, and also earns more than me.

Before DS we had similar earnings, and since DS I've dropped responsibility in my career and dropped a day each week to be at home and look after DS.

What do you think? Am I right to feel a bit 'meh' about this?

How much OP is enjoying doing one day of childcare has nothing to do with anything. The child is both of theirs and so should the expense of looking after him be. The contributions need to be adjusted to reflect that the childcare is not 50/50.

How did you dropping a day come about? Is it something you both decided on or something you wanted to do to spend time with dc ?

We've always just had 'our' money - joint account from when we started living together.

DH has always earned more, but particularly after children. However, I was instrumental in him getting the qualifications he did, and supporting his career.

In your case, I would suggest adding up what would normally be spend in childcare and other expenses not incurred as a result of you dropping hours and promotion, and invoicing him for at least half of it.

He should have more money because of his 'travel thing', should he?

I suggest you promptly develop a 'diamond jewellery thing' and claim the lion's share of the fun money back for your more expensive personal interest which benefits no one but yourself.

What an arse

Your 'D'H is a selfish prick. It's very unfair for one of you to have a ton of spending money and the other not, especially when the lower earner took a hit due to DC.

I'd tell him "Fine,you can travel all you want first stop on the itinerary is our divorce attorney"

Would he prefer you going back FT and he would pick up his share of the additional childcare/housework? If so, he might have a point.

If you both agreed you would reduce your hours to benefit the children, then he is being unreasonable. There have even been some threads on here where the man has insisted the woman drop her hours to facilitate his career, and has obstructed her trying to back to work. If that's him, he's being very unreasonable.

I'm another woman who earns more than her OH (nearly double). We have a joint account and both get the same amount out of it into private accounts each month to spend as we wish. Seems fair to me. We're a partnership.

Maybe charge him childcare for that 5th day 💁

Did you discuss the impact to earnings on you both when you dropped your hours?

DH is a SAHP who does a few hours of admin a week. I bring in about 10x what he does. All our money is joint: I'd never consider keeping back a large amount for myself each month and especially not on the quiet. We can each buy what we need from the joint pot and I have never resented him for not having professional qualifications like I do and using "my" money. We are a team.

I think your problem, OP, is that he kept it quiet and does all the financial stuff himself. I would start to take a more active role, especially if you feel the situation is unfair. You need to talk to him about it. That £300 could be going into savings or an account for your DC and would be a large nest egg for all of you in just a few years. He's prepared to fritter it away on some "challenge"?

Invoice him for childcare the selfish wanker.

What kind of person in a partnership thinks it's ok to have 300 quid more fun than their partner every month, and justifies it because their partner does more childcare so that makes it ok? I guess the same type of partner who thinks it ok to fuck off doing loads of travelling, on his own, because his partner cant join them because the childcare at weekends and holidays is mainly her responsibility

What a complete fucking dick

I still want to know why booking a jolly holiday without your family to a fun place is a “challenge”. Dick. Privileged dick.

All those having a go about the travel.... hang on.

Not once has the OP said she wasn’t invited. She said she didn’t want to! Should her DH not travel just because his wife doesn’t want to join him? Imagine that in the reverse.

«My husband doesn’t want to travel at all. I’m desperate to, and I’ve got enough money left over to do it that it wouldn’t eat out of joint»

I think that would have a different réponse??

Well, tbf you should say “I’ve got enough money to do it, but only because I’ve got £300 more than my husband, but ssshhhhh, cos I’ve been keeping that quiet”

@Ellisandra

Completely agree the DH is unreasonable to have kept this secret. I just commented about the travel itself, as Several posters have implied that in itself is unreasonable.

You think it's ridiculous to expect a woman to have joint and equal access to and control of her family's finances?

And were a woman be the major earner a man would also have joint and equal access to the family finances? Not in the MN world!

I am guessing my view won’t be popular, but I think it depends on whether you chose to take the full year maternity/ drop back hours etc or whether that decision was made predominantly by you or because you couldn’t afford full time childcare? If it was the latter then your finances should be more equal. If the former, then you made a choice to take a financial hit by dropping hours etc (unless DH pressured you to cut back hours).

I earn more than DH, we each pay a proportion of household costs (I pay in more as earn more) and we also pay into a joint saving account out of which we pay things like property maintenance/family holidays etc (I generally pay in more than him). I also have my own savings account which I sometimes pay into. Any money left over is ours to spend and I don’t police his spending, nor does he mine. I know that I have more disposable income than him, despite paying in more to household expenses than him. If he needed extra for something, I would be fine that he took it from joint savings.

So you have sacrificed your full time career to care for his child and he thinks he is entitled to more fun money than you?. I have never understood seperate finances in families. We pay all bills and mortgage with DH wage and live off mine including the 'fun' money. DH does overtime to afford extra savings for us all. I have just increased my hours - this means we will both have a little more fun money, I wouldn't dream of keeping it all to myself!

So do you currently have things that you want to do for fun but cant afford to ?

Is this on a principle basis that everything should be 50/50?

He said he should have more fun money as he is doing this travel thing, and also earns more than me
YOU enable him to earn more and do his 'travel thing'!
It's not HIS money - it's FAMILY money yet he's spending it all on himself.

The fair thing to do when your incomes are different is to pay into the joint account PROPORTIONALLY.
This is so the lower earner has enough left over for their own personal spends, making things roughly equal.
What he is doing is actually verging on financial abuse.
If he refuses to make things more fair then it IS financial abuse.

he likes to take a lead on finances, asks me to send him X amount each month to cover outgoings, and this goes into a joint account
Is your name on this 'joint' account and do you have a card for it?
Sometimes you think it's a 'joint' account but actually you're just named as an additional card holder, which means he can cancel your access any time he wants.

So many women make the mistake of handing over finance admin to the guy and don'[t bother to know the ins and outs.
Him taking the lead doesn't mean you have to just sit back and do as your told and pay whatever he says you owe.
Do you see the actual bill amounts?

What about savings?
Do you have proof they are actually in your name as well and do you have free access to them?

You're being set up to be financially abused.
Take control now before it gets worse.
I take it you know how much he earns annually?
If so i'd calculate your share of bills proportionally and pay only that from now on.
I'd also insist on seeing the actual bills/accounts so you know exactly where you stand regards your finances.
Men like him don't just stop at this, he's probably screwing you over in more ways than one.
Plus i'd bill him for childcare that you do on your 'day off' from work.

This idea that a woman is not entitled to a fair/equal share of the family finances because she CHOOSES to take maternity leave and/or stop or reduce working in order to do childcare... is BULLSHIT.

Looking after our children is important and valuable work and we are not "lesser" or less deserving of access to money if we choose it!

FFS, whatever happened to valuing a woman's contribution?!

And I say this as a mother who has CHOSEN to take maternity leave and work part-time while my child is still young.

My contribution to my family is about more than money. And thankfully my husband knows that!

It seems that internalised sexism is alive and well. Women have to do it all and accept less money because it's only "fair". Fuck the gender pay gap, who cares?!

Some of the peoples relationships on here sound more like a work contract than a happy loving relationship..sounds like hard work to me🤣🤣

Rather than splitting the bills 50/50 I would change it so that you both pay the same percentage of earnings into the joint account. Therefor he'll still have more spare money than you because he earns more but you would pay in less as you earn less. That's what we do as I work half the hours my husband does.
I guess it's whatever your happy with and suits your family but it does seem unfair that you would contribute the same amount when you work much less.

All these people with proportionate splits, do you have children or not?
Proportionate is fair if you don't have children, but as soon as you do, it doesn't make sense.
If one parent takes more parental leave, stops or reduces work, and takes a step back in their career to do childcare, it's not because they are lazy or pissing about FFS.
Plus salaries are not a direct reflection of a. how hard someone works and b. how valuable their job is to society.
It's no accident that male-dominated sectors and roles are better paid than female-dominated ones. This might have worked out ok in the past when men were expected to be the financial providers. But in today's society in which everyone is supposed to be equal - in theory - mothers are fucked, because we still have less earning power but we are somehow expected to contribute equally now.

This is ludicrous, particularly as he has been keeping it a secret - probably because he knows it is unreasonable.

The only reason he has that extra money is because you have taken a career hit for your kid. I'd be livid.

We put all our earnings into the joint account (DH earns a lot more than me and I'm about to go on mat leave with only statutory amount - and we will continue with this arrangement), and then take a small amount each for personal fun money (50-100 quid a month each, we don't spend much on ourselves really). Unspent money left after food, bills, mortgage etc in the joint account goes into joint savings for retirement etc.

If one of us had loads more personal spending money than the other it'd just be awkward - perhaps having solo holidays but that's not what either of us would want to do - it seems that's what your DH wants to do though and I'd be a bit miffed at him spending so much annual leave without his kid/family to be honest!