AIBU with expecting 50/50 split of earnings?

[shesellsseashell]

DH and I have been chatting this morning, his job involves money so he likes to take a lead on finances, asks me to send him X amount each month to cover outgoings, and this goes into a joint account with a bit extra for food shops and petrol left in there for the month which we both have access to. We then both have our own fun money.

I didn't realise that DHs fun money is actually £300 more than mine each month until a conversation today. He loves to travel and is doing a travel Challenge visiting lots of places before he's 40 (not something I want to join in with with 2yo DS but happy for him to do it!). He said he should have more fun money as he is doing this travel thing, and also earns more than me.

Before DS we had similar earnings, and since DS I've dropped responsibility in my career and dropped a day each week to be at home and look after DS.

What do you think? Am I right to feel a bit 'meh' about this?

My husband is the higher earner - twice what I earn. He contributes more to the mortgage and pays for child care but that still leaves him with more "fun money". I'm more than happy with that arrangement - I am a rubbish saver and live to my means whereas he saves a lot and treats it as "our savings" - think I'd feel differently if he was splurging/treating himself to a wildy excessive lifestyle!

Do you have enough to comfortably live every month, are you going without?

I'm the higher earner here but we each get the same amount of "fun money" we both get paid, pool it together and pay all that needs paying, put a set amount in savings and split the leftovers between us.

I don't agree he should get more fun money than you because he has chosen a more expensive hobby...if he can't afford it, he needs to save up for it.

OP, of course you feel Meh!

You have made sacrifices for your child and the family re work and your husband has helped himself to extra.

I think what he has done is extremely disrespectful of you and he is showing you what he thinks.

I would have a good long hard think about where you are at with this man.

He sounds like he could leave you short of money, whilst he holds onto his fun money if you were to have more children.

I would kick up about this, make it very clear it is not on, particularly as he was so sneaky about it.

He should be contributing extra as you have taken a hit.

This is the type of thing that would change utterly for me how I felt about someone.

He's putting himself first, ahead of the family.

Be very careful OP.

My OH earns more than I do therefore has more disposable cash. That's life.

He has more responsibility at work, professional qualifications etc. He's worked hard for the money he has - why should he have to sacrifice his hard-earned cash because I'm in a lower paid position?

If you want more cash, go and earn it.

YANBU. You shouldn't have to find his fun money. Your contribution to the pot should have dropped by 1/5th and he should have put more in when you decided to drop a day. I'm assuming it was a joint decision though?

I've gone back to work PT after my mat leave and DH is FT and earns more than me but our money is completely shared. DH's bank account is our joint bank account. I pay for childcare and bills from my account but I have access to his money for anything I need for DD or myself.

I think YABU. I earn more than my dp so I hae more 'fun money' each month.

We do the same as you about transferring a set amount into joint account for bills etc, however i pay slightly more as i do earn more.

Did you chose to go PT or did you have to? If its the first i think you should have slightly less, if the 2nd then it should be more even.

Simple rule of Mumsnet isn't it?

Man earns more then he must split his earnings 50:50

Woman earns more then she gets to keep that money and any suggestion that there's a 50:50 split means he's a cock lodger

Petty contractor You must realise that parents make those decisions based on what they feel is best for their child. Childcare drop offs and pickups are also hugely detrimental to career advancement. If op goes back full time, she will not be in the same place she would have been had she not had a child.

Your DH is BVU, op.

DH earns x5 as much as me. We each have the same amount of fun money. Always have done. Not that it has ever come up, but if I got less then I would be billing him for x3 after school childcare of two children and cleaning and laundry duties ;-)

Reduce the amount you pay into the joint account by the same amount.

My OH earns more than I do therefore has more disposable cash. That's life. He has more responsibility at work, professional qualifications etc. He's worked hard for the money he has - why should he have to sacrifice his hard-earned cash because I'm in a lower paid position? If you want more cash, go and earn it.

Because if you have children and you do the majority of childcare and house care you need recompense for that too (whichever parent it is).

I will never understand why 'partnerships' (cos that's what they are supposed to be) are so unevenly balanced.

Do you think he values you and your contribution to his lifestyle?

That's what I'd doubt, so I'd struggle to get passed this.

If you worked full time do you think this, travel challenge, would be possible?

He's massively taking the piss.

YANBU , you are a partnership and in my opinion should have equal access to money or free time. It might not mean that you want to do a 'travel challenge' to even things out but you should have the feeling that your position in the partnership is equal. You are both parents and you have decided that one of you should be at home to care for your child thus reducing earning power. Your DH is being obnoxious quite honestly.

YANBU, not at all!

I, too, gave up a lot financially and career-wise to be a SAHM for many years. We both agreed that we wanted a SAHP for our dc, and made sacrifices because it was important to us.

I now work part-time, earning a fraction of what I earned pre-dc. The money that I was not earning is also money that we were not paying for childcare.

Since the week we returned from honeymoon our finances have been shared. Our incomes go into the joint account, fixed amounts go out immediately into various savings and bills, and the rest is available for either of us to spend as we see fit. A couple of times a year we check our budget. If we need to reduce our spending then both of us do so.

ATM my main hobby is more expensive than dh's. Not a murmur or a quibble from him.

Of course you are not unreasonable, he is being selfish and awful. What a total twat!

50/50 or stop putting money into joint account.
He sounds like a selfish spoilt t..t

Seriously? Seriously?

Do you bill him for every single bit of childcare and housework that you do above the 50% that is your responsibility? Maybe you should start - and that can include the weekends where he's away challenging himself.

Or maybe go for the traditional route whereby you are a team and earnings/responsibilities are pooled?

I also dont understand why women fall for this shit - it's just the same old misogyny in a new coat.

He is taking the piss and acting like a bachelor.

YANBU at all, I couldn't live with that arrangement. Over the years there have been times where I've earned more than DH and vice versa and we have always had 50/50 access to finances.

Is there some back story here like he never wanted you to go part-time? I feel like that might explain his attitude a bit (but not excuse it). If it was a joint decision and he feels your current arrangment is in DS' best interests then I find it even harder to understand.

Tell him you're going to need more money because you have decided to take part in a Shopping Challenge. It involves buying as much useless crap as you can before you turn 40. It will have no benefit to anyone except you and you might get quite a bit of enjoyment out of it, but he can't complain because it's a 'Challenge'.

I "cut back" and went from a FT teaching job to a 0.5 one. The time I spend on house and child related stuff more than makes up for it. I tried it with us both FT and we constantly argued and the place was a pigsty. I certainly 'work' more hours than my DH when you take all tasks into consideration. The difference between me and you, OP, is that I do our financial planning. Take the control back!

Go back to work the extra day then. You decided to drop a day, he chose not to. Or ask him to drop a day too.

He's taking the utter piss, sorry

If you'd decided between you that he should have more money from the combined resources - because he wants to do a thing - then that would be fine.

If he's assumed because your career has taken the inevitable knocks of childbearing and raising that you are less entitled then he's an arsehole.

Depends. If he'd agreed to pay for half the childcare and help equally with picking up/dropping off, but you insisted on dropping a day because that's what you wanted, then I think he has a point.

If however he was totally supportive of you dropping that day, then he isn't.