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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have found DH's comment offensive?

86 replies

MumGoneCrazy · 26/07/2019 23:16

DD14 and DD12 asked me about my newish job, I was a SAHM for past 14yrs and now work in retail for a large well known sports company.
I told them about the stuff I do on a daily basis and how I can earn commission on top of my wage and ended it with "so now you know the in's and out's who wants to work at my store?"
DH (who does factory work alongside our DS18) quickly cut in with "I want better for them than factory or shop work" said in a disgusted tone. I told him I found it offensive and that the girls would grow up thinking that if they didn't get a proper career that he deemed acceptable then they wouldn't be good enough or that they'd let him down. He claims I took it the wrong way and twisted his words.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumGoneCrazy · 26/07/2019 23:17

The spaces between paragraphs disappeared Blush

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 26/07/2019 23:20

Well he said that he wants them to have a better job than working in a shop or factory. I don’t see how he can claim you twisted his words. It sounds like he would be very disappointed if they got a job in a factory or a shop.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 26/07/2019 23:21

I agree with you.

It’s great for them to have high aspirations, everyone should, but it’s also important for them to know that sometimes life doesn’t pan out as you hope (illness/failed exams/marriage break up/disabled child) and that they haven’t failed in life just because they are working in retail or a factory at some point in their lives.

MatildaTheCat · 26/07/2019 23:22

I can see this from both sides. You are back in work and enjoying it. He also has a similar role but, presumably has been doing it longer and supporting the family this way?

So he aspires to more for your DDs while you want him to appreciate your new satisfaction with working?

Neither of you is wrong but surely if it is realistic it makes sense to encourage your DDs to aim as high as possible.

T0getherindreams · 26/07/2019 23:22

You're being silly. Retail work is minimum wage, as is most factory work, save for management roles.

He wants his kids to have proper careers.

Retail work and factory jobs are what people do when they lack the skills or ambition to do better.

Not a judgment, just a fact.

PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2019 23:24

He was horrible to effectively put you down in front of your children.

ElphabaTheGreen · 26/07/2019 23:25

I take that to mean that he’s not happy with a life in a factory and isn’t entirely happy that your DS is following the same path. Had he not included his own job as well as yours, I’d have been offended, but no. But then I suppose we can’t hear tone of voice in a written description.

My mum would never have wanted me working in a shop or a factory and always urged me into a better-paid career path. I never took it personally, just as a concern for my life-long happiness, job satisfaction and financial stability. The job I had in a shop while I was at uni was probably my main motivator to get me through my degree - I didn’t want that for the rest of my life either! Kudos if you enjoy that sort of work, but it wasn’t for me and I’d want my own children to find something else as well, unless, of course, they found it extremely fulfilling and financially adequate. Many don’t which is where I would see your DH as coming from.

1stmonkey · 26/07/2019 23:25

I think "offensive" is a bit strong. I can see him wanting to encourage them to achieve more than their parents (don't we all want that for our children). Does seem he has possibly undermined your contribution to your family, however unintentionally.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 26/07/2019 23:29

Retail work and factory jobs are what people do when they lack the skills or ambition to do better.

Bollocks

Blueemeraldagain · 26/07/2019 23:32

The way he phrased it was cack handed and the timing was bad but surely he really just means he wants better for his daughters than their parents (and brother) have?

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/07/2019 23:32

PurpleDaisies

If he has put the OP down in front of their children they he has also done the same to himself.

PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2019 23:34

If he has put the OP down in front of their children they he has also done the same to himself.

Putting himself down is fine. Putting her down isn’t.

Original poster
MumGoneCrazy · 26/07/2019 23:34

Obviously I want them to aim for as high as they can but also don't want to think that having one type of job makes you better or worse than someone else.

DD12 wants to be a teacher, she's very smart and currently achieving higher than expected results in all subjects, the chances of her going to university and being a teacher are looking good.

DD14 has learning and behaviour difficulties, she's currently failing most subjects and is on the verge of losing her GCSE option classes and having to choose different ones. She's getting extra help and has extra time during exams but is still failing to complete them and her coursework. She jokes she's just going to work in McDonald's or KFC but she really is worried that she won't be able to get a job after school/college.

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HeddaGarbled · 26/07/2019 23:36

It’s great to hear of a father encouraging his daughters to be aspirational in their career choices and I think it’s a real shame that you shot him down for that. He didn’t say or mean all that crap about them letting him down and not being good enough. You just made that up.

LillithsFamiliar · 26/07/2019 23:36

Well if he was being offensive to you, he was also being offensive to himself. I think you're being too sensitive about this.
I don't think his comment will make your DCs feel they have failed if they decide to work in a shop or a factory. He's just letting them know there are other options and that he won't feel offended if they decide to follow a different path.
I actually think it's a positive that he's telling them (albeit indirectly) that he thinks they can achieve more than him and you. Some DCs need to be given permission to try to achieve more than their parents, to know that their parents won't take it as a rejection or a negative judgement.

dreichhighlands · 26/07/2019 23:36

I want more for my DC than I achieved, I think that is a fairly normal human impulse. That doesn't mean I'm ashamed of my job, far from it but I do want more for my DC.

Lacebug · 26/07/2019 23:41

Take no notice of the value judgement and snobbish comment from a PP, of course working in a shop or a factory is a worthwhile job. It sounds as though he was offensive and unkind towards you and your DS, what is that supposed to achieve?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 26/07/2019 23:44

She jokes she's just going to work in McDonald's or KFC but she really is worried that she won't be able to get a job after school/college.

Both of those are jobs. I don’t know about KFC but I’ve heard McDs is a very good employer and both chains don’t just have servers, there is room to progress up the ladder to manager, area manager, and whatever their next levels are. I wouldn’t turn my nose up at any teen walking out of school into a job at McDs. It’s better than many will ever achieve in their lifetime.

Screamanger · 26/07/2019 23:45

I think what he means is he wants the kids to be aim higher than you and your DH, which is a good thing

Luckingfovely · 26/07/2019 23:49

This one is not black or white.

Nobody can blame him for aspiring to interesting careers for his children.

But he was bloody rude and insensitive in the way he spoke about it.

MustShowDH · 26/07/2019 23:55

Retail work and factory jobs are what people do when they lack the skills or ambition to do better.

Now that ^^ really IS offensive!

HeddaGarbled · 26/07/2019 23:56

Why is it offensive to want to aspire to something other than factory or retail, but not offensive to joke about “just” working in McDonalds and KFC?

15YemenRoad · 26/07/2019 23:56

Do you not think he meant he wants better for them in a positive way? For example he wishes that they do have fantastic careers and that they reach their full potential. It's not unreasonable for parents to wish their children would do better than them.

Working in retail is not terrible, of course, but I would imagine most parents want better for their children and for them to be successful and happy whatever path they go down.

You don't often hear that children want to grow up and work in a factory or retail store, it's not a negative to want better for them where they can earn more and live a comfortable life.

Try not to take this as a negative thing, I really doubt he meant it as a dig or in a negative way. I imagine he just wants them to aim high and go after whatever dream they have.

WorraLiberty · 26/07/2019 23:57

Your DH - "I want better for them than factory or shop work"

You - "Obviously I want them to aim for as high as they can but also don't want to think that having one type of job makes you better or worse than someone else."

So you're both on the same page. It sounds like you both want better for them. He didn't say that having one type of job makes you better or worse than someone else.

Original poster
MumGoneCrazy · 26/07/2019 23:58

I've worked for McDonald's, it's not as easy to walk into as many people think, my brother applied at 18 and didn't get an interview. The job I'm in now offers the chance to progress to different stages of manager also.

I think it was more the tone he used that upset me, if he had said it normally and followed it up with something like they should aim high/big, they can be anything they want to be... vet, doctor, chef, teacher, then I simply would of just agreed with him but he made it sound so lowly.

It surprised me because when I got the job after 2 years of job hunting and only getting 3 interviews he was so supportive and kept saying how proud he was of me as he knows how hard the whole process was for me especially the interviews and the rejection because of my depression and anxiety.

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