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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have found DH's comment offensive?

86 replies

MumGoneCrazy · 26/07/2019 23:16

DD14 and DD12 asked me about my newish job, I was a SAHM for past 14yrs and now work in retail for a large well known sports company.
I told them about the stuff I do on a daily basis and how I can earn commission on top of my wage and ended it with "so now you know the in's and out's who wants to work at my store?"
DH (who does factory work alongside our DS18) quickly cut in with "I want better for them than factory or shop work" said in a disgusted tone. I told him I found it offensive and that the girls would grow up thinking that if they didn't get a proper career that he deemed acceptable then they wouldn't be good enough or that they'd let him down. He claims I took it the wrong way and twisted his words.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 26/07/2019 23:58

I think people are ignoring the fact he said it in a disgusted tone. That’s what op has been hurt by. Not that he wants them to do better for themselves.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 26/07/2019 23:59

XPOST with OP

HennyPennyHorror · 27/07/2019 00:06

I've spoken to both of my DD's who are 14 and 11 about work and careers. I've explained to them why shop work is ok and for some people, retail can lead to a career....and I also explained how that works...what steps are needed to pursue a career in retail and the various positions available.

I've also explained why having a profession or your own business is better.

I don't think your DH said anything wrong at all.

ithinkiammelting · 27/07/2019 00:14

His comment was crass, insensitive and unkind. Ok, it is a good thing to encourage high aspirations in your dc, but not at the expense of belittling their mum's job.

YANBU.

Adversecamber22 · 27/07/2019 00:18

A decent career doesn’t make anyone a better person but the difference in living standards can be enormous. His tone was off obviously but he honestly wants better for his dc, I don’t know what your financial situation is but deep down he wants his dc to have a better life financially.

AlexaAmbidextra · 27/07/2019 00:19

Retail work and factory jobs are what people do when they lack the skills or ambition to do better.

What a fucking horrible thing to say. ☹️

expat101 · 27/07/2019 00:27

It might have just been ''one of those days'' for him at work too, and thus where the ''tone'' was coming from...

We are self-employed, haven't been paid for 3 weeks by a number of Clients but still have to find the funds to keep the business ticking over and wages bill paid. Would I recommend anyone being self-employed right now, not on your life! (read that with disgruntled tone)

Sashkin · 27/07/2019 00:28

He’s being incredibly rude, and it is absolutely putting you and your job down in front of your DDs.

I’m a hospital consultant, and I’ve done factory work, bar work, waitressing, sold ice creams, and had medical admin jobs in my time. The admin and ice cream jobs were pretty easy, but waitressing, bar work and factory work were bloody tiring. The factory work paid significantly more per hour than I earned as a junior doctor (unsocial hours). I learned loads about my employment rights and tax from my co-workers (to the extent that I am still the department go-to person for “is my payslip right” queries). There’s absolutely nothing wrong with those jobs, and your husband is a snob for looking down his nose at them.

Original poster
MumGoneCrazy · 27/07/2019 00:37

@expat101 he hadn't gone to work yet 🤣 he works the night shift and usually sleeps through most of the day but due to this hot weather he's barely slept so to be fair he was probably more cranky than usual and that's where the tone came from.

He's messaged saying sorry, he honestly didn't mean it the way it sounded and should of worded it differently.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 27/07/2019 00:37

He may be putting himself down as well, but isn’t he also putting your DS down too?

Also if your eldest is struggling with her GCSE options maybe he needs to be careful what he says, and actually be more supportive.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/07/2019 00:43

He does need to be careful how he says things. His thoughts are right- wanting better for them, but his delivery was loaded with judgement. There are ways to tell your DC they can achieve well for themselves without insinuating that not doing better than your parents/or retail/McDs is a bad thing. Because there is every possibility that one or both of them may have to rely on one of those jobs at some point in their lives. For all sorts of reasons. They shouldn’t ever feel bad about that.

Saltystraw · 27/07/2019 00:44

His nice he wants more for them but sometimes just having a strong work ethnic regardless of what job you do is more important.
A neighbour made a comment to me like this about his own younger children when I was a teenager working in retail along with the no offence.. I took offence. My jobs improved over the years and I worked my way up but Ive never forgotten that comment.

Aridane · 27/07/2019 00:45

I've spoken to both of my DD's who are 14 and 11 about work and careers. I've explained to them why shop work is ok and for some people, retail can lead to a career....and I also explained how that works...what steps are needed to pursue a career in retail and the various positions available

I've also explained why having a profession or your own business is better

Not everyone has to have a ‘career’ / a profession / their own business it is OK to have a job and be paid a wage!

Justaboy · 27/07/2019 00:47

It does NO ONE any harm working for a while in a resturant or bar, shop or factory in fact these are good life experences for most anyone.

Bin there an dun them and they were a good experences that have done me well in later life!

as to this twaddle;

Retail work and factory jobs are what people do when they lack the skills or ambition to do better

Well do you ever buy or use any manufactured goods at all?, well do you?..

stayathomer · 27/07/2019 00:58

Retail work and factory jobs are what people do when they lack the skills or ambition to do better.
Horrible way to put it, but true for the most part, these are jobs that you go into instead of a career job that comes from further studies. I had a career job but due to being out of it because of kids, my skills are now defunct and so retail or factory jobs are essentially my only options. If my kids get jobs in either of these I say 'great!' Because they have a job and that's what matters. Saying that I under stand your dhs point as you want your kids to aim for as much money as they can. I wouldn't agree with how he said it, but it probably just came out that way

stayathomer · 27/07/2019 00:59

Ps no retailers will hire me, I can't get past the first hurdle so I honestly think anyone who has a job fair does!!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/07/2019 01:03

Horrible way to put it, but true for the most part

Not true at all just because it was true in your case!

People can take retail/factory jobs for all sorts of reasons. Made redundant so take retail work until better paying, skill associated job comes up. Have children so factory shift work fits in with spouses working hours to reduce childcare costs. Had to leave high paying job due to workplace bullying which led to extreme stress- chose retail for less pressurised role to recover mental health.

Think outside your own narrow box.

stayathomer · 27/07/2019 01:48

Sorry I stand corrected

Original poster
MumGoneCrazy · 27/07/2019 02:03

@stayathomer I did volunteer work in charity shops to gain recent customer service experience, it looked better than done nothing that counts as job skills for 14 years.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 27/07/2019 02:06

Retail work and factory jobs are what people do when they lack the skills or ambition to do better

That is very offensive bullshit. People do these jobs for a variety of reasons and plenty do enjoy them.

Some shop workers are also the shop keepers, and running it as their own business, which takes quite a lot of skill.

You rely a lot on these people too. Every time you go into a shop or supermarket you rely on them having ordered the goods, stacked the shelves and being present to serve you at the till.

Stop sneering

SD1978 · 27/07/2019 02:12

I understand what he said, but the way he said it wasn't great. We all hope for the best for our kids, and he wants more for them- but sometimes that and the best for them can be different. He wants the kids to do 'better' than you both have- as he sees it. Maybe instead, should talk to him in focusing on doing your best and being happy at whatever it is you do. I know I want more for my child than what I have- a better career, more money, etc and I'd be disappointed for her if she had to struggle, but there's ways to say it, and he's missed the mark.

HennyPennyHorror · 27/07/2019 02:14

Ariadne I agree...not everyone has to have a career...but I want my DC to be informed about the options available and to know the pros and cons.

A job is ok but it's limiting. It means much less money. Money, unfortunately, makes the world go around.

Sashkin · 27/07/2019 02:58

Retail work and factory jobs are what people do when they lack the skills or ambition to do better. Horrible way to put it, but true for the most part

Do you think it was my lack of skills, or lack of ambition that most appealed to the medical school admissions panel? Hmm

Coyoacan · 27/07/2019 04:11

It’s great to hear of a father encouraging his daughters to be aspirational in their career choices and I think it’s a real shame that you shot him down for that

Maybe if I'd heard his tone, I would agree with you more. I'm glad you like your job, OP, but I've always found that the less well paid a job is, the more work you have to do and the worse you are treated by management. I've worked in shops, restaurants and factories myself.

The jobs themselves are perfectly respectable, but if you have a degree you can still work in a shop but you don't have to.

Teateaandmoretea · 27/07/2019 07:22

He also belittled his own job, not just the OP's. I wasn't there to hear the tone but fundamentally I agree with him.

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