Does anyone understand the feeling of feeling trapped and stifled by a newborn baby?

[YellowsAndPinks]

Despite very much loving and wanting them? I have a 6 month old and was desperate for a family but I find myself wishing away the early months and years as I feel trapped and it makes me very anxious and panicky. I already feel better than I did at the beginning so hope I continue to improve and I never regret having my child but I do look at people who are happily child free and envy their freedom. It's more than wanting freedom though as I have support and could get time away to do things, it's the weight of responsibility that I know will never leave me I find incredibly difficult to cope with.

I expected to feel trapped & overwhelmed in the early days but was surprised and how utterly joyless I found any of it. Which was PND. I do still feel trapped & overwhelmed 3 years later but in manageable waves, not constant. And can be managed with breaks & booking the odd 24 hours at my mums by myself. And now I find it all joyful a lot of the time. It does get better

@burritofan take the Cbt/talking therapy if you can get it - even if it means someone coming with you and holding the baby outside the room. I had it at about 9/10 months and it made a huge difference for me.

I've been lurking on here for years and have never felt the urge to make an account and post until I read this thread. I could have written so many of these posts (especially burritofan's reference to speed pyjama-ing) I spent so many weeks wondering what the hell I had done and feeling like I was waiting to wake up from a bad dream, waiting for someone to switch normality back on. I almost hated my lovely, kind, supportive DH for getting to go to work while I had to be at home.

My DS is 10 months old now, and it's a lot better. I'm back at work (well kind of, I'm a teacher so it's the summer hols, don't think I've ever been disappointed to see the end of term before?) and he sleeps, which was the key for me. He's also more of a person so more interesting to have around. I just wish someone had said 'just hang in there, the first few months are shit, and you might hate it, but that's ok', it might have stopped some of the guilt I felt.

No your not alone ! I'm an introvert by nature and pre baby could have happily spent days by myself at home so was surprised how different and lonely it felt being at home with a baby ... he's 9 months now and it's getting a lot easier as we can get out and about and his personality is really shining through now and I enjoy his company . Routine was a dirty word to me a few months ago but it massively helped to introduce one as the day could be broken down into more manageable chunks and it didn't feel like I had these long 12 hours to fill which used to fill me with dread . I have a feeling I'll be a parent who just didn't enjoy the newborn months and the best is still to come ...

I felt really trapped during maternity leave to be honest. I did enjoy it but I had to actively plan to see people and do things every day or I would have gone mad! I found just being at home with DS when he was very young completely boring and isolating. It really made me stressed, anxious and doubt myself all the time. I think I just didn't have enough to think about and was constantly sleep deprived. There's a certain amount of dullness all the time with a young child but tbh I found going back to work really helped me.

It’s a difficult life change. You learn the true meaning of sacrifice and putting someone else first. You literally can not eat, sleep or poop when you want when you have young kids (unless you have help!). I remember feeding my toddler in the high chair and needing the toilet and just having to wait bc it was too far from kitchen to make a quick dash. Or just wanting to sleep, but being kept up by my kids bc they will not give me 30 mins alone to sleep! - even w help in the house! But you seem to get used to it as people go on to have more dc and it does go by fast. I’m currently pregnant with my third bc my second was five and I was sad my babies were no longer babies.

Yes I do t like the baby bit of parenting I much prefer them when they’re talking

Totally with you! DS is 7 months and whilst I adore spending quality time with him going for walks to the park and playing etc, I am finding the rest tough.

Agree completely with pp who said when solids came in to the mix it got worse as it was another thing to fit in to the day that meant not going out as much. The monotony and constant housework that doesn't actually achieve anything that is getting to me.

I am really looking forward to going back to work in a couple of weeks, but I feel incredibly guilty for feeling that way. Can't win.

@Tartifatte I think I expected either to bond and for it all to be peaches and cream- tiring but blissful, OR not to bond and PND hell.

I had no idea there was SO much space in between those two things.

@Tartifatte I'd only been around very new newborns, who are just sleepy little prawns who can be toted on a shoulder and you can do things at the same time as hold them. Or older babies who had good routines and were rewarding to be around. I'd even babysat them all, so I thought I knew that it would be hard work and that sleeplessness came with the job but that you got breaks while they napped, and in between you went to the playground and had things to do. But I don't think anyone can be prepared for the emotional side or how intense it can be. I had no clue how claustrophobic breastfeeding would make me feel.

I had this vague idea that babies went to bed at 7, there was this dreamfeed thing - didn't really know what it was - thought I'd express and DP would help, and you woke up several times a night to feed them, at set times. I was an insomniac for years so I thought I knew tiredness. I worked from home, alone, for five years so I thought I was prepared for the loneliness. Nothing prepares you. Mostly though I didn't think deeply about the practicalities: I just had an insane biological hormonal WANT NEED MUST HAVE for a baby. It wasn't logical.

OP. I am absolutely down for an honest parenting meet-up. I'm in Brighton but worth travelling to London IMO for a screaming babython while we all stare wide-eyed at each other and go "what have we done?"

I felt how you describe with both my children but it hit me at about 9 months old. I think everyone assumes them very early days are the hardest but for some reason I found it really difficult 9 months in. I did wonder if I had some sort of delayed PND but I don't know? The feeling did pass after a while, but I had some weird meltdown and cried to my husband that I couldn't do it anymore with both children at about the same point. I did breastfeed both, neither slept and barely had anytime away from them in all that time. I don't know what to suggest to help, I just got on with it and eventually felt better. It does start to get easier eventually.

Oh OP this was me 3 years ago when DC1 was born. I honestly felt like the world worst mother and like the bottom had fallen out of my world - I never realised quite how overwhelming going from childless to having a baby would be (despite DC being a planned and much wanted child!).

DS was v clingy and sounds similar to yours as he slept well at night but awake most the day. I did have evenings thankfully but felt like I spent all day just trying to prevent a crying episode from him. I went to lots of baby groups (for my own sanity!) and this helped but I still felt desperately lonely and just wanted to sit down and chill for 5 mins without the nervousness that he was going to grizzle or would need a feed etc. Looking back, I can't really remember much about his early months - other than knowing I did NOT enjoy them! - and that's quite sad for me.

I speak from experience. It DOES get better ... very soon! Once we had weaning established for solids(he was bottle fed which I think helped me actually!) and he can crawling about he didn't need me for entertainment as much and I could suddenly go for a wee alone. He began to take interest in his toys too. I can say I really started to enjoy him around 11 months. Went back to work when he was 12months and everything clicked. I had the time I needed to be me, and he thrived at nursery and really came out of his shell.

He's now almost 3 and whilst the toddler tantrums can be maddening (today in particular has been eventful!) I've found them far easier to handle in contrast to the lonely, guilt-ridden, overwhelming days with a very young baby.

You're doing fantastically. It's all normal and part of being a mum. Everyone struggles - some find toddlerhood terrible, this is just your trough and your peak is just round the corner. Take some you time where you can, and just know that it won't always be like this.xx

Children turn your life upside down in those first few years but it does get easier as time passes. It's easy to say enjoy every minute in hindsight as it passes so quickly when you look back. The old ' days are long, but the years ate short rings true. I have a 4yo about to start school and I still feel a new parent!

For me 7 months was the hardest as my 1sr child was a terrible sleeper and was waking every 45mins- 2 hours from birth. Months of chronic sleep deprivation broke me. Although I knew it was going to be hard with babies and sleep nothing prepared me for the physical shock of it and the feeling it would never end.

At 6 months like your baby OP they need you in different ways. Gone is your sleepy but poopy, milk hungry new born replaced by an interactive, frustrated and messy eating chubby baby. Suddenly they demand your attention, you have to preparedood and feed them and spend your life cleaning up and washing dishes.by 9 months they Will probably be crawling and in someway may entertain themselves better. It is great if they can entertain themselves to give you a break but some babies struggle.

If you have support use them! Just go out and enjoy the things you used to if you can get someone to babysit be it gym, meeting friends etc.if you are going back to work that's a big turning point as normality( well with a child!) starts to resume. My youngest is now 2yo and I can feel increasing freedom as the months pass by.

M goodness yes I do! Ds is 9 months and I'm only just starting to enjoy him some days to be honest. Going back to work has helped me so much. I work 2 days a week at the moment, in releasing to 3 in August and I'm excited to get into the routine. I know I will miss him enough to really enjoy the 4 days with him. 6 months was tough. I found I felt a lot of pressure to feed him the 'right' stuff when weaning but he just didn't want it. Now he can crawl he is a lot more exciting. He has his own character it's lush. Some days I honestly feel so trapped I hate it, but they are reducing and the good, playful days increasing. It gets better

I also found it easier when we were a few months into weaning and I knew that if I had forgotten stuff, I could feed the baby anywhere and even better after 1 when she could have cow’s milk. I used to get this overwhelming sense of worry that if something happened to me, my baby might go hungry.

OP, if you can get to Archway, I highly recommend Naomi Stadlen’s Mothers Talking Group at the Active Birth Centre. Perfectly acceptable to say it’s all awful and offer to send your baby home with the stranger sitting next to you.

www.activebirthcentre.com/our-services/postnatal-classes/mothers-talking-2/

I remember looking in through the window of a wine bar at all the laughing people, and I swear to God, if I could have, I would have machine gunned them just for being free and laughing.......

The feeling does pass.

I used to push the pushchair around parks and past cafés and stare longingly at interestingly dressed women cycling past or sitting alone reading novels. I felt like Mother Courage with her wagon while they looked so unencumbered!

tartiflette I think I thought it would be more like I find having a one year old actually is - I thought it would be really busy, never a moment to sit down, really hard and frustrating at times but with lots of moments of joy in between. I don't think I realised how long it is before they do anything or give anything back. I thought I'd be rushed off my feet, whereas in fact I seemed to have lots of time - the days dragged - but not the freedom to choose how to use it. Like others, I also thought I was pretty well prepared for the sleep deprivation as I was used to working very late and then getting up very early, and had a (weird and misplaced) sense of pride about not needing much sleep - I had no idea how reliant I was on those four or five hours that I could cope just fine on being continuous. I find it very hard to get to sleep but sleep deeply once I am asleep, so it turned out I found the broken sleep very tough.

With our first DC my wife felt the same. I didn't realise how claustrophobic she felt being trapped at home with a baby at first. I assumed that she'd be the happiest she'd ever been having a baby which she'd been longing for. I was wrong, she felt completely trapped

Is it possible for you to make time for yourself? Even if it's only a for a short while. My dw went jogging twice a week, it gave her a sense of being herself, and not being subsumed by the role of mum.

I feel the exact way and my wee one is now 9 months find it that you finally get over the stage of loesing a night feed or the colic youd get settled and then something else would pop up and you'd feel your back at it square one again. I love my wee one but sometimes wish i could switch off from being mum and just be me. Found that making sure I leave the house once a day without the child really helped and going to mums groups reminded me that I'm not alone in the way that i feel and that most mums have felt like this at some point.

It doesn't leave you, it just becomes the new normal and the oppressive feeling fades slowly. As they become more their own character you generally forget life before them and can't imagine it any other way.

We had a long drive to pull our bins down once a week. I used to look forward to doing it- because it was physical and potentially dirty and if I was really lucky it would be wet or cold or windy......I remember hearing do say plaintively “I wish you’d let me do that.......”

Yes, don’t worry - YANBU. I felt the same way from when DC1 was about six days old. I worried I’d never read a book or go on holiday again and felt totally trapped. Six months on, you feel much worse because you’re suffering from cumulative sleep deprivation. It definitely gets better as they sleep better and for longer, and life revolves less around feeding them. (I have read books and been on holiday with DC1 - and DC2 now - as well!)

My children are school-aged and I still feel like this.

When they’re babies and toddlers, if you’re not working there’s a total lack of balance in your life which can come as a shock. You feel sacrificed at the altar of your baby’s needs and wishes.

I used to privately judge women who went back to work out of choice, when their babies were babies. Shouldn’t a helpless baby have at least one parent who loves it enough to put up with their shit and not want to run away from them? At the same time, I’d fantasize about doing EXACTLY that: run away. So, it was a ludicrous and destructive circle of guilt for me.

Like a lot of early years parenting, I think it comes down to a mismatch between expectations and reality. Our own and other people’s expectations of childbirth, feeding, womanhood, motherhood, and of our children are often so far removed from reality, we end up lost in that gap.

Looking back, I wish I’d closed that gap earlier: lowered my expectations and/or made my reality fit my expectations. So much useless and unproductive worry and guilt over the years.

Now, the sense of feeling trapped is what keeps me striving. Part of my identity is that of a mother who puts her children’s best interests in matters of education, instruction, health, and becoming good people ahead of her own desire to jack it all in and travel the world with my DH, day-drinking and furthering my personal pursuits. I do both things, but it’s about 95-5! And that’s an active choice and even though I could do more of the latter, I don’t want to. I’m willingly trapped.