Does anyone understand the feeling of feeling trapped and stifled by a newborn baby?

[YellowsAndPinks]

Despite very much loving and wanting them? I have a 6 month old and was desperate for a family but I find myself wishing away the early months and years as I feel trapped and it makes me very anxious and panicky. I already feel better than I did at the beginning so hope I continue to improve and I never regret having my child but I do look at people who are happily child free and envy their freedom. It's more than wanting freedom though as I have support and could get time away to do things, it's the weight of responsibility that I know will never leave me I find incredibly difficult to cope with.

When did this feeling dissipate for everyone who's been through it?

When DD was about 1 and I got more back from her.

DS is five weeks old and after an initial lovely honeymoon period this feeling is now setting in now. I also wish I could rewind to being pregnant so I can have a breather. I miss my old life. I miss sleeping without the endless routlette of how long will it be before I have to get up. I just wish someone else could look after him for a bit, it's just relentless. I've no idea what I'm doing and sometimes just do not know what to do to make DS happy. I feel my confidence evaporating. I can't abide my house being a state, it just adds to the feeling of chaos.

You are not alone.

For me with my first, when I got naps sorted and I had time to re-charge. She tended to only sleep on me during the day so I never got time to myself. With my second, I’ve been much more determined re the cot. I also use the sling more so I can still do stuff.

OP, this feeling is so much more common than you can imagine. The worry and sense of responsibility will stay with you sense of being tied will lessen as time goes by.

You can only hang in there and know that you are not on your own. As they say, “This too shall pass.”

I personally have felt quite emotional reading this thread and realising I am not alone. (Misery loves company!) The PP who said it's like going back to the 1950s was spot on.

I've gone from a busy, well-paid career where I travelled and had a busy social life to what sometimes feels like prison with my DD. I obviously love her with all my heart but I could cry when I think what I was doing a year ago. I have virtually no income now so am dependent on my (very supportive) DH and my horizons have become so narrow. I have lost my independence - a trip to the supermarket is the highlight of my day. My house is permanently a tip and now we've started weaning there is food detritus everywhere.

I will be back at work after Christmas and I cannot wait. I miss exercising, I miss adult conversation, I miss the luxury of time on my own. Knowing that I'll get some of that back is what keeps me going!

And I've been feeling very guilty about all that so it's a huge help to read others' experiences are similar to mine.

Yes. I think most people do, life will never be the same again, you can't even have a shower or pee in peace.
It gets easier when you have a little walking talking person.
I felt it much worse on No.2.

I felt just the same. It got better at 3 months when I started her in nursery. Only 3h a day at first but it helped hugely. Couples therapy helped. Individual therapy helped a bit but not as much as the couples.

I do think motherhood is basically a long-term case of Stockholm syndrome but I suppose if you can't tell the difference it doesn't make much mind. DD is now 19mo and I mostly enjoy spending time with her these days, but I'm so happy I have daycare and my job.

I think there are definite turning points where you start to feel better. When they start sleeping better, when they start to be able to play a little by themselves and things like that. Being a parent can be shit at times and most people have a good few wobbles along the way. I hated my first maternity leave and nearly went stir crazy. Second time round was much better and I felt totally different about going back to work. When you go back to work you spend all your time worrying about not being at home so the cycle of guilt continues.

I have a 5 year old and an 8 month old who still wakes several times a night and is up for the day at 5am. I love them but I sometimes fantasise about running away, changing my name and starting a new life in a town where nobody knows me. It feels like there isn't a single minute in my day when nobody needs anything from me and sometimes I just want to be left alone.

@Daffodil2018 your post resonated with me! I feel very similar! Actually this thread as a whole has made me feel better that it’s not just me!

I was unexpectedly pregnant mid 40s after 10 years of miscarriages and it has come as a massive shock to uproot everything.

The relentlessness of household drudgery plus endless sterilizing & nappy changing is slowly driving me insane! As a well paid professional I outsourced all the things I didn’t want to do then for 2 years as a postgrad student I experienced a new world of freedom and now I’m stuck at home with my baby.

I adore her and feel guilty for not loving every minute after the heartbreak of miscarriage but all PPs points make me feel like it’s not just me so thanks

It’s so often boring and tiring, and I felt sorry for myself a few times. Grieved my ‘lost Life’. It came and went and had nothing to do with my feelings about my DC’s.
When I had three under 4 years old I used to feel so envious of people who could just go home and do what they liked in peace.
Lots of people say what they think they should. But if you feel like it for a while, don’t ever feel happy or lose interest in what’s going on around you, please talk to someone. You don’t need to feel alone.

@YellowsAndPinks mine is 8 months old and I feel exactly the same, I could have written your post.

Sending and un-mumsnetty hugs and a reminder to enjoy the smiles, giggles, first clap, first step etc extra much- I find I focus on the negatives a little much and have to really remember to treasure the beautiful lovely moments to combat feelings like these x

I’m loving this thread and the honesty of everyone here. It’s quite refreshing compared to the endless positivity of real life Mum chat where everyone seems to enjoy every minute! Thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences

I couldn't put a precise time on when it dissipates, OP, but I felt abruptly better as soon as I went back to work. I think the key thing, though, is when your baby, imperceptibly, becomes an actual person, so you feel far less alone and stifled and more as if you're having an ongoing conversation with someone who responds to you, and whose attempts to communicate you understand, rather than tending to a miniature tyrant who cannot be placated and whom you can't possibly love yet.

Don't beat yourself up -- the early stages are absolutely awful. I was going crazy from sleeplessness, literally never being by myself, googling fostering agencies at 3 am and wondering why I had made such a giant and unnecessary mistake of my own free will. Everything you feel you've lost comes back, so don't panic. You go right back to being your old self, but with a child. It'll be OK.

When they start sleeping better,
That is honestly all I need. I think I could cope with the repetitiveness, the loneliness, the guilt over not "just enjoying the cuddles, it goes by so fast!" (good! Godspeed these years away, frankly), the loss of freedom, if she would just sleep longer than an hour or two at night or 30 minutes in the day. I want to have a conversation with my DP that isn't hurried whispers about poo. I want to spend my evenings with him or reading a book or doing something, anything, other than speed-pyjaming myself into bed so I can sleep for 90 minutes before she next wakes.

I also wish I could meet some of the posters from this thread in real life, or people of a similar ilk, instead of the liars relentlessly positive brigade.

@burritofan well I'm in London so if anyone fancies an honest parenting group meet up I'd be up for that.

The responses on this thread have made me quite emotional, it's amazing how so many of us are going around feeling like this and feeling like we are the only one.

Yep, I felt like this. It's boring and lonely.
Mine lifted a bit about 7 months when I started to go out in the evening for dinner with friends then when I went back to work FT when she was 10 months I felt another weight lift then stopped breastfeeding at 15 months and I got myself back.

My advice is don't worry about cherishing every moment but take loads of photos as you tend to only remember the nice bits so it all looks better with hindsight

My boy is 4 months. We were child free for 18 years before we had him. Doing what we want when we want.
He was premature, I was in hospital pre birth for 6 weeks, he was really poorly when born and in neonatal for five weeks. When he came home it was the hardest few weeks of my life. He wouldn’t be put down. He was constant day and night. He wouldn’t feed properly, he cried every time he was awake, squealed in pain all the time. It was utterly relentless. I remember me and hubby looking at each one day like, what have we done to our carefree life!?
We did whatever we needed to to get through the days and nights. I have no idea what I’d have done without my other half.

To cut a long story short we finally got him medicated for silent reflux, I worked really hard getting him in his cot downstairs for naps, migrated upstairs for night time, we found a milk he loved, started to routine him and at about 9/10 weeks it got much much easier. Now he’s 4 months (2.5 corrected) and still completely constant because he doesn’t sleep in the day, but no bother really, we seem to understand each other a bit better! His digestive system matured and he just seemed to find everything a bit less stressful. And he stopped eating every five minutes.
I find being out and about helps, plus getting some sleep! I still look forward to the evenings and weekends when hubby is there to help and I have the utmost respect for anyone doing it on their own. It is hard!
Lots of people kept saying to me that it will get easier, and I was like, piss off, but actually it did. We’re still in the early days
And I’ve no doubt it will get worse again but I tell myself nothing can be like those first couple of months!

I promise you it gets better. I pretty much hated the first year, and all the usual anxieties and feelings of loss were exacerbated by the fact that my dd had some medical issues too (so she was miserable a LOT).
She's turning 2 next week and it's now much better. I am happier, she is easier, I feel like I've got a work/parenting/life closer to a happy balance. Even thinking about number 2 which I swore was off the cards at the beginning.
Hang in there XX

Ps: agree with other posters that six months can be particularly shit. We also had a slow start to solids (tbh it's not great now) and constantly thinking about food is still the thing I hate most about parenting

Tartifatte I knew it would be hard, I honestly don't think anyone expects parenting to be easy. I knew I would be tired and I thought I could cope with the tiredness because I spent years working nights and am used to hard work. The reality is that nothing could have prepared me for the soul crushing tiredness of being woken up every 30-90 minutes for months on end and the realisation that literally nothing I did (and believe me I tried anything and everything to get him to sleep) made the slightest bit of difference. When you're that chronically sleep deprived, it's hard to enjoy anything, even your own DC. But we're told were supposed to "cherish every moment" so then you can add guilt to the soul crushing tiredness and it makes for a pretty miserable combination and not one I expected.