To feel sad about being ‘reserved’ by my friend for her (soon to be) ex DH?

[EstWll]

Our friends are very sadly divorcing. My DH and I were originally friends with her and then got to know her DP and have been good friends with them for about 15 years.

Just messaged to ask how they are and remind them that we’re here for them if either of them needs to chat etc

Just got a message from her saying that her DH doesn’t have as many friends as her so going forwards she wants to “reserve” us as friends for her DH

I sort of see where she’s coming from but not sure how to feel - I’ve always seen her as one of my closest friends and although we get on well with her DH, we wouldn’t have been friends with him if they hadn’t been together and don’t have much in common with him to easily remain close after they’ve split up.

Just feeling a bit odd and a bit sad about it and not at all sure how to respond. Maybe just ignore it and carry on contacting and checking up on both of them as we’ve been doing so far?

Wow she's got an odd idea there! Just tell her that you consider that you're friends with them both and fully intend to keep up the friendships separately after they split.

You're not a China tea set to be divided up into his and hers!

they devided you up along with the contents of the house.

Thats really odd.

Well I'm divorced and you naturally find that some friends drift one way or the other (usually because they were friends with either you or XH first), but I never considered telling people who they were allowed to be friends with. My divorce wasn't particularly amicable, but we;ve both still retained mutual friends - because we don;t involve friends in our personal lives in that way, it is easy enough to talk about other things.

You have to divvy up certain things when you split - furniture, DVDs, books etc - but not friends. That is a bit odd - I'd ignore her and do what you want - if she decides to cool of towards you then there's not much you can do, but if she does you;re probably better of with the H as your friend as she sounds bonkers.

Sounds like she isn't bothered about maintaining a friendship with you tbh @EstWll . She's giving you to her STBXH. I'd be tempted to stay away from the both of them.

Just got a message from her saying that her DH doesn’t have as many friends as her so going forwards she wants to “reserve” us as friends for her DH

Good grief.
Your friend obviously views people as mere assets to be divided.
And is happy to insult you by informing you that you are to 'belong' to her ex-husband's friend group.

You, & her DH are well rid of her.
Has she never realised that people are allowed to make their own decisions as to who they associate with?

I would only be able to respond to your 'friend' with extreme sarcasm.
Sorry she has let you down like this, but at least she has shown you what she is made of.

I’d reply ‘friendships don’t work like that, you aren’t part of the marital home, here for you both’

Weird behaviour, she’s going to need friends, not isolate them I’d have thought

That’s really weird why can’t you be friends with both of them! What did you reply? I’d have to say to her that she’s being silly and doesn’t need to divi up the friends.
I split with my exh this year but luckily we didn’t have many joint friends. I still see his sister and one mutual friend but the ones I don’t see weren’t my friends or people I didn’t like to begin with.

How strange. I get not wanting her STBXH to be friendless, but she doesn’t get to dictate your friendships! I’d definitely say something like what you’ve said here to her - you see her a close friend and don’t have enough in common with him to see him separately. You thought your friendship was with her and are surprised she wants to distance herself from you.

Anyone else got visions of the pair of them saying stuff like ‘you can have Maureen and Frank because she criticised my tiramisu I made for Jean’s bbq’ 😂😂😂

Another vote for very weird. People don't get to share the friends up in the event of a split.

Then again, if she's quite happy to start behaving that way then let her be. One of our former friends couldn't handle anyone who would be in touch with her STBXH and decided to ghost us all and remove us from social media. Someone bumped into her and challenged her on it and was told she didn't feel comfortable having people in her life who were also in his.

Interestingly, her close friends are drama queens who like to know the details of everyone else's relationship. Clearly the idea that most adults don't spend their day bitching and gossiping didn't cross her mind.

How hurtful! Could it be that she is expecting you to ‘take sides’ and has been offended that you have messaged saying that you are there for both of them? My closest friend divorced a few years ago. I was also very close to her now ex. So I experienced first hand the wider reaching impact of divorce on friendships. It’s so difficult to navigate, as the friend. And now I am going through a separation at the moment and it is very painful and my emotions are all over the place. If she is a close friend, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and explain, as previous PP have said, that you don’t need to be reserved. But I would also ask her gently, but directly, if it is too painful for her to see you maintain a parallel friendship with her ex, as I suspect this could be the problem. If so, then it would leave you with a difficult decision. But at least you would understand her thinking a little better.

@Foslady That has given me a much needed laugh - thank you and it's exactly what we've been wondering!

Glad for the responses on here - my husband and I looked at each other like "huh?" When we read it and good to know we're not the only ones!

Haven't replied yet - just trying to find the right words - some great suggestion above, thank you

She is instigating the divorce so I wonder if she's trying to relieve some guilt by "giving" him some of her friends?!

I mean... don’t you get a say in this?

What?

Does she understand that she’s not the boss of you and she doesn’t decide who you should or shouldn’t be friendly with?

What an odd thing to say.

I think sometimes it’s helpful to be really clear - so in this case “I’m not sure what you mean. Are you saying you don’t consider us to be your friends anymore? We had expected to stay friends with both of you.” No drama, but clear what you mean.

Do you think she may feel sad at seeing you together as a happy couple maybe?.Often when people break up, their old friends who they knew when a couple bring back memories which can be bittersweet .

I think I'd respond with,
"I think I can choose my own friends, thanks. But since you don't want me to be yours I'll wish you good luck and back off. Take care."

That’s very odd. However I guess she is trying to make things easier for him and make sure he doesn’t lose all his friends along with his wife.

I think she’s phrased it badly and would have been better to say “I hope you’ll keep seeing ex DH after the divorce, I know you knew me first but he really values your friendship” or something like that.

She may just mean that she's mentally ticked you off as people who will remain friends with her husband (as well as her) and she's letting you know that's ok albeit with slightly awkward wording. Her emotions may be all over the place and she's not thinking clearly perhaps.

I would gently seek clarification before getting offended and sending anything like the above message which is a bit unkind imo.

I think my response would be something like “don’t worry, I think we can manage to be friends with both of you separately - unless you don’t want to of course!”

I wonder if it’s a clumsy way of her suggesting she thinks you’re closer to her DH?

Either way I would clarify with her before making any decisions about what you want to do.

Bloody hell. I think she's trying to tell you something. Well, in fact she HAS told you something.

Sounds as if she is divorcing you too !

That is odd and very self-absorbed, but perhaps that is completely understandable at the moment.

I like Foslady's suggestion, especially the first and last phrases. You could suggest coffee. It doesn't really matter if she says yes or no, it is just to signal you don't want to be dropped. It might be that she is hoping you'll say that, but there's a risk she will come back and be more explicit that she is dropping you. Ugh.

Yeah, she's being nice by wanting to see that he still has some friends and deserves credit for this, so be nice to her. Say that you will certainly be aroud for him, and for her too. Then just carry on being her friend.