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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about being ‘reserved’ by my friend for her (soon to be) ex DH?

104 replies

EstWll · 26/07/2019 11:14

Our friends are very sadly divorcing. My DH and I were originally friends with her and then got to know her DP and have been good friends with them for about 15 years.

Just messaged to ask how they are and remind them that we’re here for them if either of them needs to chat etc

Just got a message from her saying that her DH doesn’t have as many friends as her so going forwards she wants to “reserve” us as friends for her DH

I sort of see where she’s coming from but not sure how to feel - I’ve always seen her as one of my closest friends and although we get on well with her DH, we wouldn’t have been friends with him if they hadn’t been together and don’t have much in common with him to easily remain close after they’ve split up.

Just feeling a bit odd and a bit sad about it and not at all sure how to respond. Maybe just ignore it and carry on contacting and checking up on both of them as we’ve been doing so far?

OP posts:
MRex · 26/07/2019 11:55

"Happy to stay friends with [your DH], we like him. All the best to you for the future."

It is a bit odd but she's been clear that she isn't bothered about you as friends, whereas he is, so just ditch her. Any nice single friends you can set him up with?

Londonmummy66 · 26/07/2019 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dexterslockedintheshedagain · 26/07/2019 11:58

@Londonmummy66
Are you on the right thread?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 26/07/2019 12:00

I guess it's a stressful time for her so she might say (very) odd things

I'd have to ask her why she thought she could decide who you would choose to be friends with and why she wanted people to take sides.

Perhaps it was just a cackhanded way of saying she hoped you'd look out for him.

Or maybe she wants to bin you off

But I'd have to speak to her to know.

bengalcat · 26/07/2019 12:02

Lol . Maybe she’s just being ‘ a bit weird ‘ because she’s having a hard time . Let it go . If you’re interested in maintaining a friendship with him let him know otherwise leave them be . If either and particularly her contact you in future then you can rekindle if you wish or just stay backed off . That’s what I would do .

absofuckinglutley · 26/07/2019 12:02

That's a very odd thing to say? Do you think she doesn't want to continue the friendship with you and your H anymore?

I would reply "what an odd thing to say.....have we done something to upset you?"

Original poster
EstWll · 26/07/2019 12:07

I'm going to go with a @ElstreeViaduct and @BlokeHereInPeace type response

Probably see if she'll meet up for a coffee and a chat

We've been friends for a long time and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and a chance

It's a good point that it may be careless wording by someone under stress - I was taken aback and I think I just reacted to the message emotionally and didn't really consider that

I'll prepare myself for a dumping just in case but hopefully not...

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 26/07/2019 12:07

Bizarre.

That's what I'd text back.

She's trying to bin you as friends.

Blank from now on.

RockinHippy · 26/07/2019 12:09

We've had exactly this situation happen with friends who split up donkeys years ago. She did cut us out for quite a while, which wasn't great as our kids were friends & so they missed out a lot too. Dad on his own with the kids sat back too much & expected me to parent them, so we ended up seeing less of him too. After about 18 months we were hearing fro her regularly again. Though we fell out with later & rarely see her anymore & realise that a lot of her reasoning for cutting us out, was because she knew we would disapprove of her behaviour after the split & what came out about her pre split affairs & would tell her so. She later went in to have an affair with her best friends husband & dad of her kids best friends. She boasted to me about him chasing after her, showing me texts & the lot, I really ripped into her for being stupid enough to think it was a compliment & proved her attractive, it just proved he thought do little of her that she would enjoy it & would do the dirty on her best friend. I had no clue she was actually having an affair with him by then 🤬

I can't say this is your friends reasoning, that she thinks your going to disapprove of what she's planning to do, or might come out about what she has done. But it definitely makes sense of odd behaviour, at least it did in our case. Our friend pretty much used the exact works, her exDH, had no clue about it.

RockinHippy · 26/07/2019 12:11

In short, YABU, she may well have done you a favour

Londonmummy66 · 26/07/2019 12:12

OOps =- not sure how that happened....

wildcherries · 26/07/2019 12:14

That's screwed up on several levels. I'd be WTF. She has a very strange idea about what friendships are. I wouldn't want to be 'reserved'.

It's bizarre.

Sceptre86 · 26/07/2019 12:14

She sounds like a fruit loop, avoid. It shows how much she values your friendship which in all honesty doesn't sound like a lot. Both you and your husband aren't possessions to be divided up!

ohcanada · 26/07/2019 12:15

Sounds batshit - I bet her mind is completely all over the place and just panic sent this text.

Good idea OP - give her the benefit of the doubt and take her for a coffee. She probably just needs some support.

CIT80 · 26/07/2019 12:15

Sounds to me like she has someone else lined up and doesn’t want this info getting back to her x so she is splitting away from any friends who will still be in contact with him !

powershowerforanhour · 26/07/2019 12:19

How did they choose who got who? Was it like picking rounders teams in primary school?

MountPheasant · 26/07/2019 12:24

I would literally just write ‘loool, imagine! Are we going to be named property in the divorce filing 😂’

Then if she pushed the point I would say ‘we will stay friends with both of you’ and leave it at that

Llareggub · 26/07/2019 12:25

Divorce is very hard and unless you have been through it yourself it is very hard to understand the feelings that are associated with it.

This may be a clumsy way of her protecting herself from more rejection. Be kind to her.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 26/07/2019 12:29

Odds are that she's using it as an excuse to cool off the friendship.

I was friends with A and B(they were friends first actually).A and B had a major falling out in which I wasn't involved and took no sides in. B messaged me and told me that I should stay friends with A because "she needs me more". All right then, suit yourself.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 26/07/2019 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weightquery · 26/07/2019 12:32

If she’s otherwise “normal”
Then I’d completely regard this as her being in the eye of the divorce storm and not seeing straight
She’ll realise she’s been daft soon enough

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 26/07/2019 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatdamnedwoman · 26/07/2019 12:33

What others have said: be honest about how surprised and hurt you feel. by her response. If she's saying that she's planning to use this opportunity to dump you then you've nothing to lose, have you?

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 26/07/2019 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VenusTiger · 26/07/2019 12:35

Maybe everything is so raw for her right now that she doesn’t want any ‘couple’ friends but given time she may be ready to spend time with you again.

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