To feel sad about being ‘reserved’ by my friend for her (soon to be) ex DH?

[EstWll]

Our friends are very sadly divorcing. My DH and I were originally friends with her and then got to know her DP and have been good friends with them for about 15 years.

Just messaged to ask how they are and remind them that we’re here for them if either of them needs to chat etc

Just got a message from her saying that her DH doesn’t have as many friends as her so going forwards she wants to “reserve” us as friends for her DH

I sort of see where she’s coming from but not sure how to feel - I’ve always seen her as one of my closest friends and although we get on well with her DH, we wouldn’t have been friends with him if they hadn’t been together and don’t have much in common with him to easily remain close after they’ve split up.

Just feeling a bit odd and a bit sad about it and not at all sure how to respond. Maybe just ignore it and carry on contacting and checking up on both of them as we’ve been doing so far?

I'm sorry, but it seems to me that she doesn't care about you as a friend, she's quite happy to bin you off to her ExH. She's not as close to you as you think. I'm sure you're more than capable of deciding who you want to be friends with, she doesn't get to decide. I'd take that as a sign to bin her off, and tell her exactly why. Whether you decide to stay friends with her ExH after this is irrelevant, she's just told you that she doesn't care if she loses you as a friend, which makes her an ex-friend in my book.

I think id reply with "oh, but I thought we were close friends? Not saying I dont like your STBXH, but are you saying you dont consider us friends anymore?"

CIT80 SmellbowSpaceBowl
That was our suspicion when our friend ghosted us and claimed she couldn't be comfortable having anyone in her life that was in touch with her so to be ex.

What goes on after a split is the business of the adults involved. Sadly some adults think life is the playground and everyone's going to run back and forth dishing the dirt.

Wow. One of the weirdest things I've ever heard. She's essentially dumped you!

On a serious note, though, her head must be all over the place and she isn't thinking straight x

Don't read too much into it. She's overthinking stuff and as a PP said just being a bit weird as she's got a lot on. Sounds to me like she's worried about her DH after the divorce and wants to make sure there's a good friend around for him to talk to.

I'd just reply with a simple "we'll always be here for you both"

You've got to let her know that you are not cast-offs to be donated in the spirit of charity to another cast-off. She is treating you like a pair of mustard velvet pantaloons crumpled up at the bottom of a bin bag ready for dispatch to Oxfam when you are the sought-after little black dress that is never out of fashion, a fixture in the wardrobe of many!

'Dear Friend

Thank you for your interest in reserving us on behalf of your STBXH. We have now consulted our social diary and discovered that we are fully booked for the foreseeable future. Should a cancellation arise, we will be back in touch.'

Just got a message from her saying that her DH doesn’t have as many friends as her so going forwards she wants to “reserve” us as friends for her DH
What she means is that she doesn't want to keep any mutual friends....so she's probably playing at reverse psychology and thinks she can passive aggressively force you to choose between them.
OR she just doesn't value the friendship as much as YOU do, so she's distributing you away though you were part of the marital pot.

My response to that would be " You're mistaken - we've never been a part of your marital assets, you don't own us to 'give' us away. If YOU don't want to remain friends then have the balls to say so".

Yeah, she's being nice by wanting to see that he still has some friends and deserves credit for this, so be nice to her. Say that you will certainly be aroud for him, and for her too. Then just carry on being her friend.

Are we allowed to give sensible, kind advice like that on AIBU? I rather thought it was obligatory to say that you should tell her to fuck off and then phone 101.

It could be her DH that is driving the decision!

He is probably giving her grief over the split and she is not thinking straight.

I think I'd assume she'd got a new man and planned to be part of his world, rather than him being part of her old world.

She's barking. She doesn't get to instruct you who to be friends with. Though after this, I might be inclined to want to see less of her anyway.

It sounds like she wants to dump you as friends. If you’ve been friends a long time I would really have to clarify. Ask her “your message sounds like you don’t want us stay in touch with you! I’d be very sad to lose you as a friend, is that really what you want?”

She doesn't want to be your friend. Let it go.

This is one of the most crazy things Iv'e ever read!

Is she a MASSIVE control freak?

Youv'e be divvied up like a chattle, and she doesn't want you? … I'd tell her "Thanks for the head up. Now fuck Off!"

Could be any one of the situations etc mentioned here so in this case I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and have a coffee with her.

Be prepared though, for your friendship to maybe change during/after the divorce etc and she may well end up binning you.

It's a strange text from her but I'd also comment on the aspect of 'your' friendship with her rather than her reserving you and your DH as friends for her DH. Her response to you will hopefully make it clearer where you stand.

So I drafted a few different messages and then thought "sod it", didn't send any message but called her instead

She was quite quiet on the phone and sounded surprised I'd called - so I just went for it and said that I wasn't sure how to take her message and that we intend to be there to support both of them and remain friends with both of them if that is how it works out.

She said she's just desperately worried about her DH spiraling into depression and isolating himself and feels that since she has lots of friends to lean on she should "reserve" (yes she used that word again!) the few friends he does have for him

I said we're adults and have huge affection for both and feel we've managed to remain impartial so far and don't see how that would change. I then said that out of the two of them she is particularly important to me and I would be very sorry to lose her as a friend

She said she doesn't want to lose us either and thank you - however she repeated again that she has lots of friends locally to support her so doesn't "need us" as much as he does

I got a little bit annoyed and said friendship shouldn't be based on that fact that anyone "needs" to be friends with us - it should be that they "want" to be friends with us - in bad times for support but also in good times further down the line because we enjoy each other's company etc

She just said yes that's a good point and maybe we should just see how it goes with us being in touch with both of them - just as long as I knew that her DH might be struggling a little more than her through this

I just said OK and then suggested meeting for a coffee but she's busy on any date I can make for next few weeks so balls in her court to suggest something

So I'm feeling a bit "ugh" about it - not sure if I should just put it down irrational and insensitive thinking under stress - or if we really are not particularly important to her any more

It sounded reasonable at times but she did keep repeating that she has lots of other friends to support her - which made me think - is this a hint?

I'm not into dumping friends when there's a blip - trying to think that everyone can be an idiot at times and then regret it later on - so will maybe carry on as normal and wait and see and only time will tell I guess...

Wow! I don’t know if I’d want to be friends with her after this!!!!

Well that's you told eh? Bloody shocking behaviour!

I wouldn’t want to be friends with her after that phone call!

I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it is irrational thinking under stress.

Yes, carry on as normal and see how it goes. Though, sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if the friendship doesn't survive.

From you’re update sounds like for whatever reason she doesn’t want your forendship.

I'm swinging very rapidly between:

She's just really worried about him and under loads of stress and trying to do the best thing she thinks at the time with a muddled brain

And

We're obviously not useful to her anymore other than making her feel better that she's being generous and self sacrificing by giving away our friendship for the sake of the man she's leaving

My husband and I are sort of managing to laugh about it now - the comments on here imagining us being divvied up with the household items has brought a welcome sense of humour to the situation!

This has made me so angry.
Text her back and say
On further reflection I’ve decided your right.
I will reserve my friendship for your whoever I feel needs it and that certainly isn’t you.
Wishing you luck.

How odd!

Very odd. And cheeky. What @Foslady said is OK...

I’d reply ‘friendships don’t work like that, you aren’t part of the marital home, here for you both’

But I am more inclined to give your 'friend' a wide berth, as it seems she wants to cut you loose.

How ODD that she has allocated YOU as 'his friend.' As a pp said, don't YOU get any say in it??? Weird.

I also agree that it sounds like she isn't bothered about your friendship. Fuck her. Don't even respond.