To feel sad about being ‘reserved’ by my friend for her (soon to be) ex DH?

[EstWll]

Our friends are very sadly divorcing. My DH and I were originally friends with her and then got to know her DP and have been good friends with them for about 15 years.

Just messaged to ask how they are and remind them that we’re here for them if either of them needs to chat etc

Just got a message from her saying that her DH doesn’t have as many friends as her so going forwards she wants to “reserve” us as friends for her DH

I sort of see where she’s coming from but not sure how to feel - I’ve always seen her as one of my closest friends and although we get on well with her DH, we wouldn’t have been friends with him if they hadn’t been together and don’t have much in common with him to easily remain close after they’ve split up.

Just feeling a bit odd and a bit sad about it and not at all sure how to respond. Maybe just ignore it and carry on contacting and checking up on both of them as we’ve been doing so far?

She is batshit. It hurts when you realise that a friend doesnt consider you as important to them as they are to you.

That's a bit mental - it should be up to you to decide who you want to remain friends with, whether that be one or both of them, or neither! I am also divorced so been there....never really went down the route of consciously deciding who I'd stay friends with, it just happened naturally depending on who I got on with best.

Your update makes her sound even odder.
Seems like she has put you in the box marked 'stuff he can have' (along with Great Aunt Mary's taxidermy collection).

It does sound as if you are less important to her than she is to you.

+That she is using you to ease her own guilt about his suffering.

Her ideas about what it means to be a friend are odd but quite telling:

She does seem to regard you as a possession - one she can give away.

Then there is her thought that friendship is something given according to need (rather a connection built on love or affection or mutual interests etc.)

She sounds like she's trying to look out for her soon to be ex husband - why don't you just take a deep breath, sit back and see how it goes? Your update makes it sound even more like she's trying to be nice to him, I'm not sure why that's hard to fathom? The last thing she/they need is friends getting their arses out when they're manouvering their way through a break up!

Whatever about giving her the benefit of the doubt after her initial message, that phone call makes it very clear that she’s trying to dump you.

I’d keep your dignity and stop contacting her.

It’s possible that as other people have said she has an OM and doesn’t want any fall out.

I'm quite blunt so would be calling a spade a shovel in this situation.

Having reflected on our conversation I'm disappointed at your behaviour. Perhaps it was unintentional, but it comes across that you've been through your list of friends, identified the 'B' list of ones that you are least bothered about 'losing' and then suggested that your STBExH should have 'custody' of them - all dressed up as an altruistic gesture. You don't get to dictate who people are friends with. However I won't trouble you with my friendship again - I'll be saving it for people that I want to spend time with.

It sounded reasonable at times but she did keep repeating that she has lots of other friends to support her - which made me think - is this a hint?
It's a fucking loudspeaker!
She's using her ex as an excuse to dump 'excess' baggage.

Don't do this to yourself OP.
She's mugged you off.

I think you've played this very well by phoning her, and what you said sounded perfect. She was very direct with you, and you have been direct, yet kind as well.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem like she wants your friendship or support (she has some better friends/options to rely on) I'd be very hurt. I don't think she's too busy to meet for coffee I think she's made her decision and you have been dumped.

I'd be walking away from the friendship now and not making any more effort with her, I'm afraid I'd have to send he a text though first telling her how much she'd hurt me and that because of her the friendship was over. (But I know sending a scathing text would be a mistake...knowing me I'd do it any way because I like to have the kart word)

OP you really sound lovely and she's done you a favour,she doesn't deserve you.

She is demonstrating her selflessness by awarding her poor pathetic dh her cast offs from her glut of friends. Sadly you didn't survive the cull op.

I'm not into dumping friends when there's a blip - trying to think that everyone can be an idiot at times and then regret it later on

You sound kind and sensible OP. Don't lose sight of this and let yourself be whipped up into anything else.

she did keep repeating that she has lots of other friends to support her - which made me think - is this a hint?
Maybe but she is in the middle of one of the most stressful life events modern life can throw at us. I think she has mentally divvied up her friends into 2 camps. She might have heard your words but it's soon to expect her to abandon that thinking completely. Give it time.

I agree it is hard for friends to stay friends with a couple who divorce.
I know one half of a separated couple who takes it really hard when she sees them supporting her ex and is always running him down to the mutual friends. Almost sees it as a game of 'Team Mark ' against 'Team Linda '. Very odd.
Emotions can run wild (and weird) during a divorce. I would cut this friend loose as she doesn't really sound like one.

Sorry OP, I agree with SavingSpaces2019. For whatever reason she is clearing you (and possible other friends too) out of her life along with her husband. She really couldn't have been much more direct about it.

Sounds like divorce is her choice, she is positive about it and has a clear view of the new life she wants and who she wants in it.

I'd leave all further communication up to her. Repeating that she already has lots of good friends close to her sounds like both a brag and putting you in your place, an impressive 2 in 1 diss.

She sounds like she's trying to look out for her soon to be ex husband - why don't you just take a deep breath, sit back and see how it goes? Your update makes it sound even more like she's trying to be nice to him, I'm not sure why that's hard to fathom? The last thing she/they need is friends getting their arses out when they're manouvering their way through a break up!

This @Ski4130 is what I really hope is true, although her repeated reassurance that she has other friends makes me fear otherwise

We are going to sit back and see how it goes, the fact that she's said she will come back to me on when we can meet up will be telling I guess - she'll either call or she won't

I totally hear the more pessimistic comments of warning on here - and if it wasn't 15 years of friendship we might have copied and pasted some of those responses - but I feel now we have hardened ourselves to the possibility of a dumping - and are jointly finding ourselves able to have a bit of a wry smile about it - we'll sit tight and see how it plays out

I'll be very sad if it turns out the way most people have predicted on here but we'll pull through! As my DH says - mimicking her own words - we have other friends too! 🤦🏻‍♀️😉

I doubt she'll be in touch. Her being busy on every date you suggested, plus her repeated reference to lots of friends locally means she isn't bothered. She isn't including you in her new life, and I'd be hurt in your position.

But I wouldn't contact her again. If she can do this after 15 years, that's all you need to know actually.

I think it’s true that the people that want to be around you, make the effort to be around you.
Perhaps she thinks it easier to cut links to her old couple friends and rely on her newer friends that aren’t part of her old married life.

Interesting that you aren’t so keen on the husband in his own right. I think shes binning you all.

She feels horrendously guilty for leaving her H, is worried about his mental health, and wants to dump that on you - so you relieve that worry for her (she’s telling you to be his support). She’s enlisting you to take care of her needs here (assuaging her guilt), whilst dumping you as a friend.

She’s being very self absorbed. But as you say everybody behaves like an idiot at some point in a friendship and we all have to forgive each other.

But we don’t always have to forgive, and we can walk away/speak our minds when we feel too devalued.

Not only is she dumping you as a friend but also abdicating responsibility for her soon to be ex DH's mental health onto you OP.

She will skip off into the sunset with all her close friends and never look back having lined you up nicely. Appalling behaviour.

The original comment would have been enough for me, but the phone call... and what a strange instrumental view of friendships, did she ever actually leave high, no make that primary school?

I suspect she thinks she's making a clean sweep and a fresh start and 'focusing on me now'. She's actually being graceless and sisplaying an overly inflated opinion of herself.

I'm sorry, I bet this hurts, but you're well rid in the long run. And I wouldn't be providing the desired friendship services to her H either, if you don't feel that close.

Strange as this might sound, I’d take it as a compliment of sorts, as she’s carefully suggesting that her ‘other friends’ aren't going to give her STBExH the time of day as they’re probably her friends not his.

I think she has been very rude. I think waiting it out is probably best, but I don't think I would feel the same towards her after this.

OP,
So sorry but I really don't think your friend is your friend, or very nice at all.

She is incredibly rude and cheeky.

I do think she is cutting you loose AND conveniently dumping her husband and his upset and coping with the divorce on you and your husband.

I think she is a cheeky bitch to put it bluntly and I definitely wouldn't be contacting her again.

I certainly wouldn't be taking on the responsibility of her husband.

She sounds like a very cold person.

She's clearly only concerned about her STBEX, in so much as it may affect her and she wants him off her hands.

Major cheeky bitch IMO.

I'd be having none of it.

I have a friend who recently did the exact same to one of her closest friends (I can’t help but wonder whether it’s the same person). She has very erratic mental health. I made ‘the cut’, but the friend who didn’t is extremely hurt. Her and her DH were much closer to the couple, and I think that’s the reason why.

I think she’s distancing herself from the couple scene and may be seeking friends who are just ‘hers’.

I am divorcing. My STBXDH doesn't have many friends as he is an introvert and works very long hours.

I have asked particularly close friends to help him. We have one particular couple where I asked something similar. BUT that does not mean they are no longer my friends. Just that as close friends I have asked for their help.

I am still very much friends with them.

Maybe ask for clarification? They are going through a really tricky time and are not thinking clearly. A bit of understanding and decent communication could clear this up?