I AM NICOLA was a poor portrayal of coercive control

[hereforit]

On another thread discussing this at the moment but thought I would start one specifically addressing this point.

Did anyone else think that the channel 4 film let down victims of coercive control in the film? She was very manipulative and mean. She rolled her eyes a lot and spoke to him in a belittling tone. He was controlling to an extent, but the coersion bit was almost completely missing.

As a victim of coercive control, and someone who had met many other victims of the same, I think it could have been portrayed entirely differently. In my opinion, the common traits of a coersive controlling relationship were missing, and these were the exact things that needed to be highlighted.

The initial love bombing, then constant gaslighting, negative comments about body image, anger, fear from her side (she didn't seem at all scared of him and she definitely wasn't treading on eggshells which are two of the biggest red flags), punching walls and cupboards but never her so she couldn't accuse of physical abuse, the mind fucking, isolation, financial control and abuse, the complete destabilisation of your self... EVERYONE I know who has experienced coercive control has lived in a climate of fear.

I just didn't get this from the film and thought it was an incredibly poor depiction of what a typical coersive controlling relationship is like.

Or... AIBU?

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs. Huawei app doesn't allow them apparently!

I’ve not watch it yet but the reviews I read were very positive that it was a realistic portrayal. I will be intrigued to watch it.

I'm not saying it wasn't abusive. I know suicide threats are a really common thing in abusive relationships. There were definitely some red flags. I just didn't think it really portrayed coercive control particularly well. I think they needed to do a three parter. One episode of them getting together (very fast, love bombing, etc etc), one of the abuse escalating, and one of her leaving (having to go through women's aid, finding a refuge, being fearful, gaining a non-mol order). I couldn't relate to any of it.

Actually I agree with you. I watched it last night after reading positive reviews and felt very let down and disappointed. I've been in two controlling relationships and neither were like that! He was a bit of an ass, yes. But there was no "threat" there really. Also all his "I know I have issues, I'm so sorry" I felt was totally unrealistic. Controlling men rarely apologise. It's far more common for them to make it the victims fault.

@Asta19 yes this was one of the points I discussed with my friend who has been through similar. It was always a 'sorry, BUT... if you hadn't have said this or done that then I wouldn't have reacted that way' aka I am sorry but it's still your fault.

Exactly. My ex would find a way to blame me for even the stupidest of things, like when he dropped something getting it out of the microwave. It was my fault because I didn't go and get it for him! I lost count of the times I heard "I'm sorry but you made me angry".

It also really didn't show any of the complexity of leaving someone like that. It felt like the suicide threat was very half hearted and thrown in for the sake of it. When in the end she just casually walked out anyway.

Yes, it was odd that she just left. It's actually really dangerous to do that and after you leave, more often than not, the abuse continues. Harrassment, contacting of family members, social media posts, blackmail, destruction or property, etc etc. Again I'm really not trying to minimise the behaviour shown in the film, however I do think it was extremely simplified and not typical.

I thought it was excellent. The acting was top notch. Got 5 stars from The Guardian, too.

@NoTheresa it seems to have got 5 stars everywhere so fully willing to accept that I might be missing something. Maybe I need to watch it again.

I didnt "feel the fear" with it.

This is definitely triggering for me. I feel sick watching it because it takes me back. I am Nicola was IMHO not realistic and very dumbed down

When I watched it, I also felt his apologies felt ‘wrong’ in the context of this type of relationship. When I was in a relationship with a guy I’m sure was a narcissist, he never apologised and was the master at taking whatever situation had arisen, and saying - ‘it’s you that has made this happen. I’m XYZ because you’ve made this happen.’

I agree. I have been in a coercive controlling relationship, that eventually became physically abusive. It destroyed me. I've had a years counselling with Women's Trust. Completed the Freedom Programme and still have MH issues. Still in therapy and medicated.
At some points in I am Nicola I honestly couldn't work out who was supposed the be the controlling one.
I was deeply disappointed that an excellent opportunity to raise awareness was missed. It could have helped so many people. Instead of which it's probably given the impression that coercive control isn't that bad, and easy to escape from.
Imo it's done a disservice to victims of abuse.

@MrsaTommyBanks yes. Exactly this!

I think she got out before it escalated tbh.

@MrsTommyBanks wishing you the best of luck on you journey to recovery. I'm in early stages but feeling free already, though I am looking over my shoulder a lot. You sound like you've sought a lot of help - you're so brave to have left. It's such a hard thing to do. Soul destroying in fact. Hearing from people like you is so empowering and I am so glad you're out of that situation now. I have PTSD, anxiety, and am medicated to deal with it. Coercive control is truly devastating. I feel really disappointed with the film. I'm so confused in regards to the raving reviews.....

Not all disfunctional / unhealthy relationships are the same.

**dysfunctional

@LoafOfSellotape absolutely, but this film was meant to be about coercive control, not dysfunctional relationships. There's a huge difference between the two.

I think they were trying to show that not all coercive control is as obvious as some coercive relationships may be. Otherwise people would not get drawn into the relationships so easily, before realising they are being controlled.

Apologies like depicted in the film can be part of the abuse cycle that keeps the abused trapped. Pity and hope being two feelings such an apology can induce.

Also all his "I know I have issues, I'm so sorry" I felt was totally unrealistic.

I haven’t seen I Am Nicola so maybe it was unrealistic there, but I have been in an abusive relationship with a man who used to do this. He’d flip out in various ways and then afterwards say “I’m so sorry, I am such a terrible mess, this is all taking me back to when I was little and my dad used to beat me up, I learnt to lie/hit/rage then and now I can’t stop doing it” and so on.

I fell for it longer than I should have because at the time it seemed like self-awareness and I thought, oh he’s not abusive abusive, he’s just messed up and needs my help. But what it looked like in practice was that he’d first of all do something awful to me and then I’d have to spend hours comforting him because of how sad he felt. It’s a manipulative mindfuck and there definitely are men that do it.

I can only assume the reviews are by people who haven't lived the situation. Or they left at the first wave of a red flag.

Thinking about it more, so much of it was just "off" for me. Like when he accused her of dressing up for someone at the gym. Yes, that's not good, it's irrational jealousy for sure. But again, I'd get accused of cheating in the stupidest of circumstances. Like part of my job used to sometimes involve home visits to people and he'd regularly accuse me of sleeping with the person I went to see!

Or when he kept asking her if she was ok. Now yes, that's something my ex used to do, well he would say "what are you thinking" (multiple times a day). But every time he asked her that, she was actually in a mood! So he wasn't wrong in a way! More realistic would have been for her to actually be fine but him still asking her all the time regardless.

I did read that apparently a lot of it was improvised by the cast and I think it comes across that way. Like they were given a list saying you must include all these points and they just threw them in.

I saw it and thought it disappointing.

53rdWay
I do understand the way some men do this, in the way you describe. But, as you said yourself, it was after he'd "flipped out" in some way. The man in this drama didn't really flip out at all! He was an ass, yes, but I didn't feel he really "lost it" at any point.