I AM NICOLA was a poor portrayal of coercive control

[hereforit]

On another thread discussing this at the moment but thought I would start one specifically addressing this point.

Did anyone else think that the channel 4 film let down victims of coercive control in the film? She was very manipulative and mean. She rolled her eyes a lot and spoke to him in a belittling tone. He was controlling to an extent, but the coersion bit was almost completely missing.

As a victim of coercive control, and someone who had met many other victims of the same, I think it could have been portrayed entirely differently. In my opinion, the common traits of a coersive controlling relationship were missing, and these were the exact things that needed to be highlighted.

The initial love bombing, then constant gaslighting, negative comments about body image, anger, fear from her side (she didn't seem at all scared of him and she definitely wasn't treading on eggshells which are two of the biggest red flags), punching walls and cupboards but never her so she couldn't accuse of physical abuse, the mind fucking, isolation, financial control and abuse, the complete destabilisation of your self... EVERYONE I know who has experienced coercive control has lived in a climate of fear.

I just didn't get this from the film and thought it was an incredibly poor depiction of what a typical coersive controlling relationship is like.

Or... AIBU?

Regarding a comment upthread about not everyone being fearful, that is perhaps the case? I do think that if there's not always fear there is an element of the victim doing or not doing something 'just in case' I don't know if anyone gets what I mean?

There was one ex I was very scared of. Mainly as he liked holding a knife to my throat and threatening to kill me! The other (and maybe why I didn’t recognise it as abusive at first) didn’t scare me at all physically. I wasn’t worried he would hurt me. I would argue back and give as good as I got. But, his moods could kill me inside. I definitely walked on eggshells around him. Sometimes it was because I was just too tired for another row. Or because we were out or away somewhere and I didn’t want a scene. Or I just didn’t feel like having several days of silent treatment or hear more hurtful things said to me. So I do think there are different kinds of fear. My dad was abusive to my mum. Never physically but mentally. I know she didn’t answer back because she thought he would kill her, even though he hadn’t ever actually raised his hand to her. He had a shotgun in his wardrobe, we lived rurally, and I always remember when I was about 8years old she told me that she thought he would kill us all one day! So she was definitely fearful of pushing him “too far”. In hindsight I can see he wouldn’t have done that because he wouldn’t have wanted to go to prison for life! But it was a real fear to her.

I've literally just finished watching it and I do agree in the most part with a lot of the comments.

I was in a controlling relationship for 5 years and I Am Nicola represents very much what the first half of my relationship was like. It was all very subtle and I didn't even realise I was in a controlling relationship for a long long time. At the time of this relationship I didn't feel scared of my ex (most of the time), and it was only when he was drunk that I would completely steer clear of him because he was so menacing, however, it's only now in hindsight that I realise that I was actually living in a subtly threatening environment. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's more that now I'm in a loving and caring marriage where I never feel scared that it's made me realise that there was a constant undercurrent of threatening behaviour when I was with my ex. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around my ex and I remember thinking that it was normal to feel that way and thought it was also normal for one person to hold all the power.

However, I do think I Am Nicola has missed a trick. It showed how a toxic relationship can grind you down. And it showed how unreasonable a controlling person can be. But it just didn't demonstrate any particular behaviour that well or how these behaviours escalate over time. She also came across as stroppy and unpleasant at times (as did other characters) which kind of muddies the water when trying to distinguish what exactly is going on and who is to blame.

I didn't watch as it would be triggering whether I related to it or not. Not relating to something experienced can be triggering too, so be careful OP. Your experience still happened and your feelings are still valid even if they weren't depicted to a T on a TV show. As a 'victim', I'm always aware that there's a line where things can become almost masturbatory, for want of a better word. Wanting a detailed, in depth, detailed series on a particular method of abuse with input from survivors seems would cross that line for me. It wouldn't be healthy.
And the fear. I would give it as good as I got to any outsider. I wasn't the meek stereotype. I'm gobby. The fear wasn't for my life, not at his hands at least. The walking on eggshells was because I didn't think I could physically bear the effects of how sad and low he would make me. How 'mental' he would make me. There was a lot of eyerolling from me, and sour looks. Because I was unhappy and would've liked one nice day.
What I would take away from it is that every person is different as is every relationship. And that we as victims of certain people, aren't the experts of an entire label.

Survivors' input*, sorry

I've watched it now (perks of working from home). I didn't think it reflected my experience. Perhaps it was trying to show a more subtle story, of everyday life with a manipulative person, but I too felt that Nicola was as manipulative as her partner, and I didn't really get that sense of coercion.

My experience was a long time ago. When I was 17 I was in a relationship with a man who started off being romantic and respectful, even ask in my me if he could kiss me. He took me out to nice restaurants, we went away for the weekend, he introduced me to his family and friends early on but failed to mention he was married. When he told me he was married after I had lost my virginity to him, it was in the context that he was separated, living with his parents and in the process of divorcing her. I believed this because I had stayed overnight at his mum and dad's, we went there every Friday night for dinner, and nobody had been surprised that he was with me.

I found out he was still actually living at his marital home on my 18th birthday when divorce papers landed on my doorstep naming me as co-respondent in adultery, and my dad drove past his wife's house to find his car outside. He admitted it but by then his marriage was over and I stayed with him stupidly.

Over the following few months we got engaged and he hit me, once, for talking to a male friend. He apologised in tears, saying he was just insecure and would never do it again. After that he started to isolate me from my friends - I felt I couldn't go out with them because it would mean spending less time with him and he would be sad. He isolated me from my parents by going to the police and telling them that I had made a disclosure of sexual abuse by my dad - never happened, but the resulting investigation drew a wedge between us as my parents believed I had told him that had happened. They kicked me out and we moved in together. I had to ask permission to go anywhere that wasn't work, I couldn't wear make up or revealing clothes, lunch breaks had to be spent on my own (I worked at a university which my best male friend went to and previously we had had lunch together). He would check when I got home that I hadn't had sex with anyone by sticking his fingers in my knickers.

The was a lot of physical, financial and sexual abuse too, but its the coercive control that still affects me now. My wonderful DH was very patient with me, knowing what I went through, he helped me to heal, but i have been left with lifelong issues around self confidence, decision making, and the ability to maintain friendships, purely because of a two year relationship 23 years ago.

I didn't get the sense from this film of that long lasting trauma, it ended too abruptly.

I agree. It was rushed. There was one on BbC 3 a few years ago. 'Murdered by my boyfriend' the acting in that was phenomenal compared to this and I love Vicky Mclure. This was weak in terms of message and execution.

@shellsandsand yes I remember it well (my friend was in it! 😁) - brilliant.

Well,it wasn't a documentary,was it? It was a fictional glimpse into a relationship that wasn't working.

@hereforit it was such a difficult watch. The whole way through really.

I was just coming on to say that <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D4-xgNuWxQOc&ved=0ahUKEwjm3aqF8dLjAhWBQUEAHXigDFQQo7QBCC4wAw&usg=AOvVaw10Z6qfsI-CXs9YAs67_-gt" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Murdered by My Boyfriend is excellent.

As much as I like Vicky Mclure, her character in this just wasn’t likeable I think. If I had sat watching it with my ex I can just picture him saying “she’s always moaning, nothing is good enough for her” etc. Which would have made me think yeah he has a point. So it wouldn’t have “Inspired” me to change my own situation or even made me reflect on my situation! I think they were maybe trying to portray her as being a strong woman to demonstrate that it isn’t just “weak” women who end up with partners like this. But I think she could have been just a little softer around the edges!

I agree re murdered by my boyfriend, I might rewatch it this evening actually. Murdered by my father was very good too. The BBC do make good dramas.

I agree, OP. I was looking for a thread like this after watching it but only found ones praising how realistic it was.

I actually wondered who was supposed to be the controlling one in the first 15 mins!

I liked that they were maybe trying to portray that strong women find themselves in controlling relationships too. However, I felt that the relationship was more 'toxic' where neither of them were really happy and he was a bit of a wanker than a good portrayal of coercive control.

Well I watched the rest of it and wasn't at all impressed, it all seemed a bit cringe if I'm honest (the actors that is, not coercive control)

Having been in a physically abusive relationship where CC was also a factor, I don't feel as though it portrayed it very accurately - at least not in my experience.

The whole thing felt a bit empty and without much context, like a PP highlighted.

Murdered by my boyfriend is a much better made documentary, it made me cry

I feel exactly the same about this programme. It didn’t represent my experience of coercive control at all. His reluctance to commit to her, the failure to take her to the theatre as she wanted etc didn’t ring true for me at all. My own experience with a controlling and manipulative partner involved love bombing and lavish gestures early on in the relationship. It got very intense very quickly and I was steered towards commitment eg shared financial commitments like buying a fancy sports car together on higher purchase, and moving in together (I was only 17!)

I also didn’t see evidence of the stuff which really used to terrify me, like the particular look he would give me if we were in company and I said something he didn’t like.

Really interesting and validating (for want of a better word) to find that so many of you feel the same way.

Yep. I watched it again last night and it just made me feel angry that people who watch it and haven't a clue about coercive control are going to think this is realistic. Solidified even more that it was weird and she was manipulative too, and that it was a poor portrayal. I don't know what all the 5 stars and raving reviews are all about. Maybe they want to be seen to be supporting the cause? Maybe they don't have a damn clue.

There is more on this on the Telly Addicts thread, I agree it was simplistic and with a poor ending.

I totally agree.
A real disappointment, and a missed opportunity for a prime slot to address this issue. I can’t understand the five star reviews at all.

I was trying to figure out who was the perpetrator at the start with all her eye rolling and stroppy comments, but I think it was just the slow build up to the point where you realise his behaviour is fueling her thinking 'is it me or him thats unreasonable/at fault here?'. The BBQ her friends DP was also a nobhead but maybe that showed why her friend didn't push very hard when asking if she was okay. The gym clothes bit seemed odd to push the control over clothing as she was a hairdresser and looked pretty smart and made up for work.

It depends on the relationship surely? I thought it was fairly accurate.

I was trying to figure out who was the perpetrator at the start with all her eye rolling and stroppy comments,

That's sounding remarkably like you are saying she's responsible.

No, I definitely don't think she was responsible and I think as it developed it was easy to see how the constant undermining had pushed her into a position where that was probably the maximum level she felt comfortable to express herself. It just viewed like the background context of the relationship was missing from the start of it and had jumped past that point with gaps.