I AM NICOLA was a poor portrayal of coercive control

[hereforit]

On another thread discussing this at the moment but thought I would start one specifically addressing this point.

Did anyone else think that the channel 4 film let down victims of coercive control in the film? She was very manipulative and mean. She rolled her eyes a lot and spoke to him in a belittling tone. He was controlling to an extent, but the coersion bit was almost completely missing.

As a victim of coercive control, and someone who had met many other victims of the same, I think it could have been portrayed entirely differently. In my opinion, the common traits of a coersive controlling relationship were missing, and these were the exact things that needed to be highlighted.

The initial love bombing, then constant gaslighting, negative comments about body image, anger, fear from her side (she didn't seem at all scared of him and she definitely wasn't treading on eggshells which are two of the biggest red flags), punching walls and cupboards but never her so she couldn't accuse of physical abuse, the mind fucking, isolation, financial control and abuse, the complete destabilisation of your self... EVERYONE I know who has experienced coercive control has lived in a climate of fear.

I just didn't get this from the film and thought it was an incredibly poor depiction of what a typical coersive controlling relationship is like.

Or... AIBU?

Err...dv isn't one size fits all in my experience.

My ex is extremely manipulative and coercive emotionally, but not threatening, until the rapes when I left him.

Coercive control can be playing the victim to get others to do what you want I.e fake/deliberate medical emergencies; threatening suicide, or the one I struggle with the most...doing something gobsmackingly atrocious but acting so nicely after that the victim has the drug ripped out from under them.

The difference between the typical DV pattern and coercive control is that it is really impossible to grasp what it is that is wrong whilst you are in it.

Everyone loves my ex, until they see the real him. Every change in social workers has meant a new learning period for them. We are only just getting to the prohibitive steps, hopefully, as he is just so credible.

It is me with the history of mental health issues, trying to cope with living with him.

Just saying, sorry it doesn't fit your experiences, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.

Interesting, I thought it was deliberately subtle. She was moany sometimes yes, but I didn't see any controlling behaviour from her side. I think it was aimed at those people who have that ball of anxiety but then try and rationalise behaviours. I'm glad it didn't move into more clear cut abusive behaviours as it showed that abuse can be hard to see.
It's got people discussing and thinking anyway.

Actually, I have just watched this again and this thread is a disgrace.

If this was rape victims belittling others experiences of rape there would (HOPEFULLY) be an uproar, but survivors belittling others experiences of very real coercive control, evident from the opening minutes onwards, is disgusting. Ashamed that your family see it...you should be ashamed of yourself!

I dont mean to offend...bollox

@chickenyhead I honestly don't think anyone in the thread has tried to belittle anyone's experiences. It's just that for such an important subject it just seemed to fall a bit flat in its portrayal of it. In fairness if the episode had been 90mins vs 45 (excluding ads) it probably could have brought so much more into than the producers had to squeeze in to the timeframe. 'I am Kirsty' was such an amazing hard hitting piece by contrast, that it just seems at odds with what this could had the potential of showing. It's genuinely such a hard topic to convey though and that's maybe why it seemed to miss the mark in places imo.

Well for me it is spot on. So this thread, by other survivors does exactly that.

Everyone knows the obvious signs, it is the facial expressions, silent pressure and trapped misery of coercion that I felt was very strongly portrayed in the film.

It took me years and much psychotherapy and support from childrens services and the freedom programme etc to see reality and the way my experience and that of others is dismissed herein by those who should understand shows me that society is totally mucked up.

There is strong evidence that murder by ex partners is higher in cases with coercive control such as this than in violent obvious relationships. I know this as I have spent the last several years being educated by professionals to help me protect myself.

The lighthouse project is a great book on this too.

Beyond offensive, shameful.

The problem is not everyone sees the obvious signs though. I stand by my original comment that it portrayed her at the beginning as potentially herself displaying a controlling attitude without setting the framework for it. My ex would never have 'allowed', nor instigated me standing up for myself or venting my frustrations behind closed doors because it was of 'no value' to him. The times when he'd trigger me to stand up for myself were always in public to reinforce his defence that I was the; bitch, nag, whiney, and never happy with all that he (allegedly) did for me. As a pp commented, if my ex had watched it with me he'd have stated 'well there you are, she pushed him to behave like that by always having a go!'.

It's hardly relevant what abusive men would have said IMHO but if that is considered relevant mine would have said he was bang out of order...whilst doing and excusing the same behaviours..

Because he was...coercive...

It was clear from the beginning that this was the end game. That kicked dog expression on his face, questioning her feelings as he could sense her deep unhappiness, isolating her from going out with friends....and on and on. She spoke up, she controlled not one thing until she ran.

Not everyone has the same experience, this show accurately detailed some peoples experiences, it is not a competition. Or maybe it is and I am just "jumping on a bandwagon" as implied by a pp!!!!!

I completely agree it's not a competition and people will of course have their own individual experiences. I think the one thing we can all agree on this thread is that it's a great thing it was televised, and it brings this up for discussion, and raises public awareness rather than keeping abusive relationships hidden in dark corners.

I thought it was really really good

Been in a similar relationship that anxiety he appears to have was just like an ex only I could fix him

Having worked as a therapist in dv would hear over and over again how confused so many women were, the violence (if there was violence) could be understood but the coercive control was very difficult to unpick and make sense of that it wasn’t about love it was about control

Felt suffocated watching it he was especially good

@EnthusiasmIsDisturbed

I totally agree. His facial expressions made me want to climb in to the TV and save her. He was insidious and persisted throughout in making her look like the aggressor/nutter. Poor man having to live with that unstable woman....story of my life for the last 16 years. So yes I was shocked when he raped me after I finally got away, because there had been NO obvious, blatant warning signs.

After the rapes, yes I had fear, before them I had utter confusion and self doubt.

The world needs to understand coercion better, there is more than one way to get people to do what you want and inducing guilt and confusion through playing the vulnerable party, is a huge tool of manipulation.

chickenyhead sorry to hear you have been through such a terrible time

I split up with my ex 15 years ago. Before I had had a violent ex when I was very young but he didn’t impact my confidence in the same way I moved on from that relationship easier had less of an emotional impact (not the same for all)

I am still struggle with the small seemingly off the cuff remarks he made and he was always highly anxious and appeared to adore me but somehow I was made to look like the one with the issue. My friends mum picked up on it straight away and warned me I wish I had listened

@EnthusiasmIsDisturbed

OMG yes!!!

He has been consistently seen as poor OH-

Poor man has to put up with her (I was several grades higher than him at work in a confrontational role that in no way reflected my personal relationship style)

He is so nice, but she is a bitch (i dont care if you dont like me, I have friends, I might not like you) it isn't a popularity contest.

He has to do housework you know! (Because he always insisted on doing the washing up "properly"after I had done it, even when I tested him by putting unused plates on the drying rack)

She cant cook you know (I cooked, we agreed what we were having and I cooked it. He wasnt hungry once it was finished)

His ex ran his baths, why cant you? (Because I am responsible for all of the Bills, childcare and absolutely everything else and I am not his ex)

all diabetics have hypos ( whenever I want to go out with friends/work/attend therapy)

it doesn't matter that his 2 diabetic children have been pissed on by him when hypo; seen more ambulances at our house than any child should see; and have been put in to hypos themselves by him injecting them whilst he is hypo. These were accidents, all diabetics have them dont you know.

Poor man was suicidal when he cut up his upper outer arm with a Stanley blade ( in his daughters bed and left the blood there for her to see)

Poor man wanted his family back (when he stalked me throughout the non mol and sent a letter with my daughter on her 8th birthday, saying he was dying of cancer, he wasnt)

This man never ever hit me and I thought he was a fuckwit, not an abuser. Until I left him and he violently and repeatedly raped me, once with my 3yo in the bed.

There needs to be more threads and TV programmes about EXACTLY this type of control, because even survivors apparently cant see it.

It doesn't matter whether people expressing opinions here disagree, I worry about the silent ones who read these threads feel about their lives, because I thought mine was just toxic boy child too.

Didn't mean to rant, just hard learnt realisations...and rest

chickenyhead That is absolutely appalling what a disgusting human being he is

I hope you and your children are moving forward

I agree more needs to be understood it’d not all aggression and violence and partners feeling fear. I fail to understand why we are so much more forgiving and understanding towards men when they appear to be emotional regardless of the harm they are causing and why so many men want to control and hurt the females in their life, partners, daughters, mothers and sisters

What I have learnt and I hope I take forward is listen to what others say and more importantly if something doesn’t feel right it isn’t right!

And quickly move on and not stick around ignoring that nagging feeling or worse try and understand it

You are being unreasonable.
It was an accurate depiction of very many people's day to day experience.
Just because it wasn't yours doesn't mean it's not what coercion looks like in a relationship. The lack of violent explosive plot points made it all the more frighteningly real.
More people experience coercion without violence than with, thank goodness.
I am sorry for your experiences but please don't rubbish a programme such as this which starts conversation for people who are only just realising CC is a thing - welcome the discussion.
It could help your daughter.

The bbq- I thought both men were trying to do the alpha male thing really. The other woman’s husband was goady as in ‘oh have you got any outside space’ etc

I’m sorry for some of your horrendous experience.

I agree with you