I AM NICOLA was a poor portrayal of coercive control

[hereforit]

On another thread discussing this at the moment but thought I would start one specifically addressing this point.

Did anyone else think that the channel 4 film let down victims of coercive control in the film? She was very manipulative and mean. She rolled her eyes a lot and spoke to him in a belittling tone. He was controlling to an extent, but the coersion bit was almost completely missing.

As a victim of coercive control, and someone who had met many other victims of the same, I think it could have been portrayed entirely differently. In my opinion, the common traits of a coersive controlling relationship were missing, and these were the exact things that needed to be highlighted.

The initial love bombing, then constant gaslighting, negative comments about body image, anger, fear from her side (she didn't seem at all scared of him and she definitely wasn't treading on eggshells which are two of the biggest red flags), punching walls and cupboards but never her so she couldn't accuse of physical abuse, the mind fucking, isolation, financial control and abuse, the complete destabilisation of your self... EVERYONE I know who has experienced coercive control has lived in a climate of fear.

I just didn't get this from the film and thought it was an incredibly poor depiction of what a typical coersive controlling relationship is like.

Or... AIBU?

I watched it, and i think its point was to highlight how low level coercive control can be. It was subtle and ramped up to abusive outbursts as the film went on..

My take is that abuse can be insidiously covert, and this was what they tried to highlight, rather than sensationalising with the more overt behaviour that rears its head later into a relationship.

In any case everyone has their own experience. I just think this film's objective was to flag up how it begins, and possibly make women identify with what they were watching, and realise they too are experiencing the same.

I haven’t watched it yet but I feel it’s necessary to say that not all coercive/abusive relationships are filled with fear.
Some women aren’t even aware they are in a controlling relationship until it’s over.
It took many months of counselling to accept I had been abused because I wasn’t afraid of him and he never hit me or even threatened to. It terrified me upon this realisation.
My ex used coercion virtually every time we had sex and raped me at least once that I can recall. The scary thing about that is I can’t remember the specifics because it was barely distinguishable for every other occasion. I remember saying no and him not stopping. But by the time that happened it was no big deal to me. I was never scared of him and to the outside world I bet it looked like I was the boss. He controlled everything from the money, to choosing holidays all the way down to cooking most meals, and I accepted it because he was more capable than me.
But now I’m afraid. 3 years later. Now I’m traumatised by what happened because I’ve learned that what happened isn’t right.
I met him when I was 21 and he left 21 years later. My longest relationship before him was 3 months and it was my only other.

My ex is overtly abusive now. Emotionally, financially. He abused me for years after we split. He attempts to control me still using emotional blackmail, gaslighting, insults, twisting my words against me, accusations.. And he was successful for longer than I like to admit despite me knowing what he was doing.
I only communicate by email now despite his many attempts to force a face to face meeting. Fuck that.

I’ll watch it soon. When I feel strong enough. It scares me more that it sounds very similar to my situation. So I appreciate the heads up.

I’m sorry you were abused.

I think it's fantastic that this is been looked at and an attempt to portray coercive control is being shown.

I thought there were some good points the bbq scene was so familiar, I could barely watch it. I didnt think it showed the relentlessness, the constant text messages ,the jibes and digs the powerlessness and fear you feel. It did show hiding a difficult relationship, which was very relatable,oh and the threats of suicide,my ex did this for years,you've gone out with your Mum I will threaten to kill myself ( in front of the kids). It wasnt subtle.
One really important failure is showing her walking away, my ex stalked me when we broke up, threatened others,bombarded me with texts and threatened to take my house and kids.
Although I left nearly 15 years ago,watching it made me realise what a profound affect this relationship had on me and how I view relationships.Maybe watching this will prevent one woman ,perhaps earlier on in their relationship realise ,love shouldn't feel like this.

I'm not trying to minimise anyone's experience. I've only been out of my abusive relationship for a handful of months. I'm still scared and feel insecure in my own home. I'm willing to learn and acknowledge that abuse comes in all shapes and forms. There was definitely abuse portrayed within the film, which is NOT OK. I felt like something was amiss, and it wasn't relatable to the majority of people who had experienced coercive control (from conversations I've had, I may be wrong). I felt disappointed after watching it.

I thought there was something missing too.

The ending - i get that its meant to sum up the relief of walking away. But the reality of the bombardment of calls/messages & the self-doubt that typically follows was completely absent.

Perhaps they wanted to portray a version that was more relatable tho.
The low level versions that trap people for longer. I think are harder to recognise.
It's easier to see when huge bullying is wrong and think 'nah thats not us, we're never that bad,' but the droning on version shown on tv might make a few more people wake up to see they're actually suffering in it themselves

My story: Met ex. Fell for him very quickly. He was amazing. Took me out for meals. Treated me well. We moved in together. I got pregnant. He started becoming controlling. Punched walls, told me I was fat (I was pregnant), made underhanded comments about how I should still be going to the gym, bought me bio oil for my stretch marks and made me rub it in in front of him, made me feel so bad about not performing specific sex acts on him that I just did it anyway, drive dangerously then would speed up to over 140 miles an hour when I asked him to slow down, I was terrified, then told me I should relax and stop being sensitive, blamed every little thing on me, but insidiously - 'if you'd have done this, then this wouldn't have happened' , he stopped my family from visiting, I had to ask permission, I had to have all conversations on loudspeaker but wasn't allowed to tell the other person they were on speaker so he could hear what they were saying. This way I could never tell them the truth about him as I was so scared they would mention it on the phone. He made me pay for everything, told me I needed to save for my own maternity leave and refused to financially support me, then when I left, I had to flee, didn't tell him where I went, had to get an injunction against him, am now moving in with my dad who has just moved house so my ex doesn't know where we are, he's been cancelling my son's important appointments and using him against me, telling me he's going to tell our son what a bad mother I am. He harrassed my mother, told me my father would be disappointed in me. I feel like this is entirely different to what the film portrayed. Maybe my experience was just different though and I'm a bit confused by it all.

@GreatOne maybe. Maybe I'm the wrong person to be criticising it also as I'm still confused by the idea of being abused myself, and still minimise what my ex did to me. It's a hard one.

I agree. It was far far too subtle for me.

I've been in a controlling relationship and there was none of the traits that I recognised. The gym clothes was the closest thing I saw to real life control. Even the bbq scene was weird because the other guy was being a bit of a dick.

It just felt like all of her objections could be explained away, like her being ungrateful and jealous because a friend had got engaged.

It had real potential but if it was a true portrayal of coercive control, it really missed the mark.

I also think this was a vehicle to explain CC and why it's now a crime. But to do that, in a dramatic on screen way, you have to have that sense of peril, that feeling of needing to escape, in order to penetrate the minds of women going through all stages of it.

I felt it a missed opportunity to really examine some of the more insidious facets of CC.

However, I found the acting fantastic and the feeling of claustrophobia was incredibly well done.

For me, it was just too subtle.

I've just watched the very first part of this and had to turn it off because it struck a chord with me that was uncomfortable to digest.

I've been the person saying to DH "and who's that for" when he started changing his appearance, I was also uncomfortable with him going out and socialising without me.

These traits of mine began only after he was unfaithful and damaged the implicit trust we once shared, but does this mean I'm guilty of coercive control?

Not sure I want to watch the rest now

With the bbq, I would have found it much more relatable if he’d been very charming and the other couple loved him, and he switched when they got home and he accused her of flirting with the husband or something. Or, if he’d been nice on the surface but made snarky digs at his partner during the meal. To have him just be an ass from the off (and the other guy didn’t behave fantastically well either) didn’t really say anything about the relationship.

No @Mischone it doesn't. I think anyone would have behaved the same way in your situation. This is what I mean when I say there's no context. It's all a bit pointless as you don't see the change from Mr nice live bombing perfect boyfriend to abusive coersive controlling boyfriend. We know nothing about them.

I haven't heard about this but will watch. I have been a victim of coercive control also and all the things you said in your OP I can relate to (minus WA and getting out - I didn't leave, he did when he found another victim). Even after he left though he kept coming back. I'll be interested to see if any of the film resonates given your review.

Sorry to hear that Gretchen. Please come back and let me know what you think! I may be completely wrong.

I think you raise a good point Mischone. Without knowing the context to something it’s not always easy to say whether it’s controlling or not. My ex had me install this app on my phone that tracked us both. He said it was some kind of “family app” and there were other features to it etc. But really he just wanted to track me. Anyway, it backfired on him once. He lied to me saying he was at work and my gut instinct told me otherwise so I looked on the app and caught him out. I actually rarely looked at it usually but he’d called me that day and the way he sounded on the phone was a bit off. So then of course we had a huge row and he called me controlling! Maybe I was. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked on the app. Maybe I should have just ignored his lie!

This is the issue with the programme being too subtle. People can interpret it in different ways. So I’m not convinced that it would really help someone in a controlling relationship.

What channel is it on? I can't find it on Sky.

I agree with what @Monestasi and @onitlikeacarbonnet ..,..

coercive control manifests differently in every relationship. The program was triggering for me because it reminded me how the abuse started and I was so in love and wanting to please, I accepted the blame for his behaviour. For me, the abuse ramped up after this stage.

I actually think a lot of women of living in these types of relationship's not realising that they're being emotionally abused.

Channel 4

I've just posted on the tv thread after watching this last night.
Thought the acting was poor and all in all really missed the mark.
I didn't feel she was vulnerable at all, the BBQ scene was poorly done as the other guy was a tit.
It missed 'the fear'...

Perhaps it's aimed at showing how subtle it can be? Many women on here don't seem to realise that they are in abusive relationships. They think they are needy, demanding, jealous, bad in bed, unloveable... they feel lucky to have their caring partner who puts up with them despite their flaws. It's only when they come on to ask for advice on a seemingly unrelated issue that they gradually realise their situation.

Thanks asta

I was surprised by the 5 star reviews. It didn't resonate with me. Just seemed like a poorly matched couple who didn't like each other much. Agree with PP about the BBQ scene. Also, it was so easy for her to leave.

I think there needs to be a good series on coercive control, based purely on that. This way it could show every stage, every intricate detail, and to too it off they could get people who have experienced it to help write it. That would be amazing! Just pretending to be a director in my head. Think it could've been done so much better. Maybe it was just a bit rushed.

I agree. To really get to the heart of coercive control, you need more than an hour, in fact 45minutes with ad breaks! It can’t be summed up in that time.