To need help to leave my husband

[tiredmum2019]

I’ve name changed but don’t actually post that often anyway. I have been married to my husband for just over 30 years. I have found him extremely difficult for a long time now. We have 3 adult children- only our youngest who is 24 lives with us. She has multiple special needs (autistic, adhd, Tourette’s and Emotional difficulties) so I have always wanted stability for her. He has been lying and going out to dinner with a younger woman (he says there is another man there too but I’m not sure) and has been going on days out with her (again he says there is another man there). He has lied and said she isn’t there but later when he is caught out lying says he doesn’t ‘fucking care’. He blames me as he says I always nag at him and that’s why he lies. He has hit our daughter a lot over the years (he doesn’t do it anymore though) and has kicked her also. She can be difficult sometimes but it is not an excuse for his behaviour. He has also taken her bedroom door off in the past. One night he told her to drop dead. He has held my head down the toilet many times and dragged me along the carpet (he has said that he stopped when I screamed that he was hurting me). He has also held my head between his legs and farted .i have recordings of him admitting that he has done all of these things. He works full time and I look after our daughter but I do everything at home but he still feels that I should be more grateful to him. I want to separate now but he says that he won’t move out and I don’t have anywhere to take our daughter. I really don’t know what to do. I know this isn’t an aibu but I don’t have anyone I can ask for help and I really need it. Thank you for reading x

This sounds remarkably like the situation I was in when my mum was divorcing my step dad. Where abouts are you op? Do you have a trusted friend? My mums best friend was incredible when we did it. She showed no fear at all xx

You are getting conflicting advice from people in real life who know basically nothing.
If you discuss this with HIS family members you may find that it all gets back to him! Don't do this!

You should urgently get legal advice and listen to them, as they know what they are talking about.

As PPs have said, get copies of all relevant paperwork to take with you to your solicitor so they can give you proper advice.

I believe you don't currently work & look after your daughter

If you divorced, you may need to get a job or cla carers allowance & benefits for caring for your daughter. You are both adults, your ex husband would probably not have to pay any maintenance
It would be better if you received a clean break divorce
Perhaps this is what the solicitor meant when you spoke to him before

However, it is better to have your freedom, than be in an unhappy marriage

I've been there op. I'm sending you hugs. It's horrible. This man should be in jail. This is one of the worst things I've read on here.
Get out, no matter what

@thenaughtyone we’re in East Sussex. I don’t really have any friends. I used to have a lot but my husband made them uncomfortable so they phased out contact

Sorry I didn’t make it clear in my previous post that my sister in law is a divorce solicitor- I didn’t just speak to her randomly

I used to have a lot but my husband made them uncomfortable so they phased out contact

This is very, very common with abusive relationships. I bet your friends would pick up where they left off if you contacted them. I know I would in these circumstances.

@tiredmum2019 I'm sorry to hear that. Unfortunately you're nowhere near me. I think, sometimes, in these situations you need someone to be brave for you. I'd love the chance to help someone like my mums friend did for us. If you do think there's anything I can do for you please send me a message xx

your sister in law may be a divorce solicitor, but she is presumably not a criminal lawyer. Go and chat to the police, you don't have follow through, but you can certainly see what they have to say and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Also find yourself a solicitor who specialises in domestic violence

I am sorry you have had a lifetime of living with this awful man OP

My suggestions are:

1. I think it might be an idea to write down a chronology of what he has done over the years. Just write down as much as you can remember in as much detail as possible. The fact you have a recording of him admitting to doing stuff is great evidence for the police.

2. speak to your other children that you need help and support to leave him and that you also want to rebuild your relationship with them that he gas taken away.

3. if you had any close friends before, contact them to say how your life has been and how he isolated you from them, but you are planning on leaving him and hope you can get your friendships back again.

4. go around the house and compile detailed records of all his and your assets such as house, bank accounts, pensions etc; details of any lisbilities such as loans, credit cards; details of income such as salaries and expenditure. Take copies or originals of paperwork to support your evidence of finances

5. speak to any organisations that can help and support you to leave this abusive man

6. get in touch with a solicitor

7. formulate a plan to build an independent life

8. speak to Citizens Advice about any benefits you might be able to get especially with financial help with your daughter

9. remember he is the abuser in this household and that it is unlikely your daughter will be taken away from you if your husband is no longer there

10. remember there is a new better life waiting for you away from this nasty man. Financially it may be a bit of a struggle to begin with but will get easier and you will have your freedom and independence back to enjoy life again with the rest of your family and friends, without this sinister and toxic man holding you back. You will start to laugh and smile again

I hope you will be okay. Please keep us updated as to how you are

I know you are worried about your daughter being taken, but look at it this way..

The simple conics are that is will be way easier and cheaper for,the police and social services to assist you in slinging him out. He’s an adult with job, he can rent somewhere and support himself (till he goes to prison)

The alternative is foster care / supported living, plus proceedings to move her which will cost a bloody fortune.

You are (understandably) putting a lot of negative what ifs on yourself. Start to look to the positive what ifs of getting him out.

Can you go to adult social care and tell them what he has down to your daughter and you need support for rehousing/refuge?

I'm so glad you are finally ready to leave him, keep your resolve

I worry about my daughter being taken because she’s identified as a vulnerable adult and if it’s found out that she’s living in a home where abuse has gone on then she’ll be moved away by social services

I say this kindly op. If you're not going to leave, then your daughter should be moved by ss. She is living with abuse and as you said she's vulnerable. You can't keep her there, it's not fair.

@tiredmum2019 am so uggh..bout the drivel you got hit with re womens aid. i vaguely remember i had sorta forgot how to speak by time i contacted anyone.and went in direct(actually i sent email)to local one. i dunno if youve called mainline helpdesk.if so...they should lookit this!
anyway
saw your location
you call this www.riseuk.org.uk/ and or you call this www.changegrowlive.org/content/the-portal-east-sussex-eastbourne?gclid=CjwKCAjwpuXpBRAAEiwAyRRPgXT4QNv500GKphp5BeOtkHbEXEO-VgEcnpMnDisDWDSm7RZ-FgSR0xoCPZ0QAvD_BwE and or www.safeineastsussex.org.uk/content/files/file/DA%20ribbon%20purple%20FINAL.pdf
do not wilt,or fade.
you call them.ok
if you cant face speaking.you email.them.
you dont have to live like this.its NOT about him,or how big a twat he is. Its not about what happened.this is your now,this is where you start from. email a direct link for your thread to all of them and then call them.
stand up,be counted.iknow its hard.youre enabiling fuck all except happiness.keep going.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

How are you getting on OP?