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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To need help to leave my husband

115 replies

tiredmum2019 · 24/07/2019 21:31

I’ve name changed but don’t actually post that often anyway. I have been married to my husband for just over 30 years. I have found him extremely difficult for a long time now. We have 3 adult children- only our youngest who is 24 lives with us. She has multiple special needs (autistic, adhd, Tourette’s and Emotional difficulties) so I have always wanted stability for her. He has been lying and going out to dinner with a younger woman (he says there is another man there too but I’m not sure) and has been going on days out with her (again he says there is another man there). He has lied and said she isn’t there but later when he is caught out lying says he doesn’t ‘fucking care’. He blames me as he says I always nag at him and that’s why he lies. He has hit our daughter a lot over the years (he doesn’t do it anymore though) and has kicked her also. She can be difficult sometimes but it is not an excuse for his behaviour. He has also taken her bedroom door off in the past. One night he told her to drop dead. He has held my head down the toilet many times and dragged me along the carpet (he has said that he stopped when I screamed that he was hurting me). He has also held my head between his legs and farted .i have recordings of him admitting that he has done all of these things. He works full time and I look after our daughter but I do everything at home but he still feels that I should be more grateful to him. I want to separate now but he says that he won’t move out and I don’t have anywhere to take our daughter. I really don’t know what to do. I know this isn’t an aibu but I don’t have anyone I can ask for help and I really need it. Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 25/07/2019 09:01

I would be reporting the solicitor you spoke to to the law society. He advises you not to divorce because your husband is horrible? That is so many kinds of wrong that I don't know where to start. He will tell your husband about this, so please, ring Women's Aid now, speak to the police and photocopy everything you can get your hands on regarding the financial situation. You need to get from the solicitor that the house was paid for by you, before it 'accidentally' goes missing. Get a new solicitor - one who does not know your husband and is on your side. The police will listen to your recorded evidence and they will believe you.

You can do this. We are all there holding your hand.

Paddy1234 · 25/07/2019 09:26
  1. Get a new solicitor
  2. Start squirrelling cash away at every opportunity
  3. Get your hands on every document you can and either put them in a very safe place or photocopy - including bank statements, passports
  4. Phone up woman's aid
Get this done as quickly as you can Hand holding ❤️
LostInNorfolk · 25/07/2019 09:35

Don't put the money in account- it will become joint assets.

It is a long marriage and so a 50/50 split of everything- house, pensions, money would be the starting point.

Your daughter is on benefits? You are a carer?

Zippyx · 25/07/2019 09:40

Definitely look into getting another solicitor - you can't afford word getting back to him.

You got this, OP. To have gotten this far is beyond impressive and the grit you've shown is inspiring beyond belief.

Just a little further now. x
Best of luck!

Greyponcho · 25/07/2019 09:43

Is he the type to snoop on your internet browsing history/call history if he starts to suspect?
Clear your browsing history, cookies as a habit and store any solicitors numbers as names of friends (he might not suspect you calling your best friend Sue a few times in a week, but might react badly to seeing Smythe & Co Solicitors in your call list).
Just cover your back

Original poster
tiredmum2019 · 25/07/2019 09:47

I can't get through to women's aid-I keep trying but they just say all their lines are busy and tell me to leave a voicemail- if I keep trying will I eventually get through or is it just luck?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 25/07/2019 09:52

OP also try googling local support. Our area has a One Stop Shop for domestic abuse which includes Police, housing, legal advice and more.

Keep trying Women’s aid . The fact you are having trouble getting through means you are far from alone.

SmileEachDay · 25/07/2019 10:06

Good morning OP.

Women’s Aid can get very busy - unfortunately many, many women are in your situation. Keep trying, you will get through.

The other thing that occurred to me is whether or not there is a Freedom Program running near you. I can’t speak highly enough of them - I have been involved with them professionally and they offer great support.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

thecatinthetwat · 25/07/2019 10:22

he will probably go to extreme lengths to get everything he can- he says it’s because of this that he advised me not to divorce him

Oh god, please ignore this advice. Get a new solicitor, get the best deal you possibly can and get your daughter out of there.

Allinadaystwerk · 25/07/2019 10:32

Op now he's the time to gather all your strength and resolve and escape this awful life. The practical advice about leaving abusive relationships on here may seem extreme at first and even un-doable but but believe me it is sound. I have followed it my self and am amazed at how useful it is. Get help. Independent from this mutual friend solicitor. Your husband sounds like a twisted and bitter bully.

Greatthingswork · 25/07/2019 10:32

Do leave a message, telling them what time to call you back and they will.

Original poster
tiredmum2019 · 25/07/2019 10:32

I've spoken to Women's Aid- they've given me numbers for counselling in our local area but couldn't really give me any advice on how to progress things- I mentioned going to the police but the lady kind of hesitated and then just gave me the numbers for the counselling

OP posts:
Jimmers · 25/07/2019 10:37

Well done OP - you’ve taken the first step. Just another one here to offer a virtual hand hold Flowers

notapizzaeater · 25/07/2019 10:42

Do see another solicitor.

I'd go and speak to the police, they could advise if you can take it further,

SmileEachDay · 25/07/2019 10:46

I can hear that you are perhaps disappointed with the WA response? Do you feel counselling would help you at the moment?

Original poster
tiredmum2019 · 25/07/2019 11:04

@SmileEachDay Not really- I've had counselling in the past- I don't find it that helpful to talk things through- I know what I need to do, it's just actually finding the way to practically do it with the least disruption to my daughter's life. I feel I am emotionally ready and motivated to end this

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 25/07/2019 11:10

You poor love, it's not counselling you need, it's a bloody hit man!

Good luck with moving your life forward without him. I sincerely hope this awful man gets his comeuppance, and soon.

Flowers
Waveysnail · 25/07/2019 11:18

Do you have a disability social worker? If not ask for one. Perhaps they could then help you find alternative accommodation?

SmileEachDay · 25/07/2019 11:19

An independent solicitor then, I think. You need to know where you stand legally, and how you go about getting him out of the house/putting the house on the market.

In the shorter term, can the vulnerable adult team offer your daughter an increased level of support during the period of upheaval?

Are you scared to tell him you want to end the relationship? Do you have anyone to support you with this?

Waveysnail · 25/07/2019 11:24

Also think.of counsellor as a gateway - they may be able to help you formulate a plan or put you in contact with right people

Cherrysoup · 25/07/2019 11:27

Start divorce proceedings. Dont leave the house if you are safe. If you arent safe, please call the police. They dont require footage of assault, they will believe you.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 25/07/2019 11:31

That solicitor sounds weird, solicitors don't recommend that women don't divorce difficult abusive men do they? Get a new solicitor, with experience of domestic violence. I think you are in a far stronger position than you've been led to believe. Your husband will try to intimidate you but just remember he may not be right. And if there's been violence he may not have a choice about leaving whether he throws a tantrum or not.

mussolini9 · 25/07/2019 11:31

I’ve thought about phoning the police so many times but my daughter will get taken

Who has made you believe this, OP?
It simply isn't true. Your husband needs removing from your & your daughter's lives. Nobody is going to want to take her away from you.

Is it your husband who has made you fear that your DD will be taken away? I ask, because he is controlling, a bully, & a liar, & I suspect that he is holding your love for your daughter over your head to ensure you comply with him.

You DO have options.
Guard that recording of your husband admitting his physical abuse of you. Firstly, take it to a lawyer & get it notarised for safekeeping - www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/.
Secondly, take it with you when you go to the police to report your concerns & ask for help.

You need to divorce him & you WILL be given help to do so.
You might be surprised at how much support you will be given from eg here - www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/support-legal-options/

Ultimately, your husband will have to move out. He will also be required to provide financial maintenance to you & DD.
Please take action today - call the helpline at Refuge & start organising your escape from this vile & abusive man.

Tabitha005 · 25/07/2019 11:32

I don't have much to add except to echo many of the comments on this thread advising;

  1. a different solicitor
  2. accessing women's services specialising in domestic abuse
  3. speaking to the police - they will have specialist officers to help you
  4. put the cash you keep in the house in a safer place - perhaps not a bank account as it would be considered a joint asset to the marriage (could your son or other daughter keep it safe for you, or do you have another family member you trust implicity to look after it)?

I felt so angry on your behalf reading your posts. Your husband sounds like a serial abuser and a horrifically violent man. It must feel as though you're dealing with this situation all by youself, but as you say, you're motivated to change things - which is definitely the hardest decision to make first and foremostly.

You can do this.

mussolini9 · 25/07/2019 11:34

I’ve been saving for a while now. I’ve spoken to a solicitor that we have known for a long time and he said it will be likely that if we divorce I will come off badly.

Then you need a different solicitor. You have done well to hoard some savings - use then to access a woman-friendly solicitor - Womens Aid or Refuge will recommend some to you.