To need help to leave my husband

[tiredmum2019]

I’ve name changed but don’t actually post that often anyway. I have been married to my husband for just over 30 years. I have found him extremely difficult for a long time now. We have 3 adult children- only our youngest who is 24 lives with us. She has multiple special needs (autistic, adhd, Tourette’s and Emotional difficulties) so I have always wanted stability for her. He has been lying and going out to dinner with a younger woman (he says there is another man there too but I’m not sure) and has been going on days out with her (again he says there is another man there). He has lied and said she isn’t there but later when he is caught out lying says he doesn’t ‘fucking care’. He blames me as he says I always nag at him and that’s why he lies. He has hit our daughter a lot over the years (he doesn’t do it anymore though) and has kicked her also. She can be difficult sometimes but it is not an excuse for his behaviour. He has also taken her bedroom door off in the past. One night he told her to drop dead. He has held my head down the toilet many times and dragged me along the carpet (he has said that he stopped when I screamed that he was hurting me). He has also held my head between his legs and farted .i have recordings of him admitting that he has done all of these things. He works full time and I look after our daughter but I do everything at home but he still feels that I should be more grateful to him. I want to separate now but he says that he won’t move out and I don’t have anywhere to take our daughter. I really don’t know what to do. I know this isn’t an aibu but I don’t have anyone I can ask for help and I really need it. Thank you for reading x

yes the solicitor has the paperwork that says it was my money that bought the house

Then I can't imagine what they are doing advising you that you will "come off badly".
Please ensure you have a copy of the paperwork that proves that YOU paid for the house - then get a new lawyer (as post above, ask Refuge or Womens Aid to recommend.)

I think I would like to report him to the police but I don’t think I have enough evidence

Sweetheart, you don't need evidence to report him.
You simply do it.
One step at a time. The police have specialist officers trained to avise & support you through all the next steps, collecting your verbal evidence, his recorded admission etc.

You need to start the process of getting this horrendous 'father' & 'husband' out of your lives, It seems daunting from where you are now, but I assure you that the support agencies & police you are going to be meeting know exactly what they are doing & will advise you exactly what to do to protect yourself, your DD, & your assets.

Keep moving forward, one step at a time.
It gets better, & you have your FREEDOM to look forward to xxx

You can start the divorce proceedings under 'unreasonable behaviour'

What are you waiting for

Find a new solicitor

I probably will look to get another solicitor- my current one wouldn’t have contact with him though he says he’s an awful man but that he will probably go to extreme lengths to get everything he can- he says it’s because of this that he advised me not to divorce him

OP, this is awful - the current solicitor is in effect telling you that you should stay & endure abuse in order to keep a roof over your head. This 100% proves that they are not up to the job to protecting your interests. Please, please find one who is - asap.

Find a solicitor who's not afraid of your husband - there will be plenty who are more than happy to take on your case!

If he did your conveyancing he may not be a family law specialist anyway. Few solicitors do everything (well). You need a family law specialist, one who's experienced with cases of DV.

He needs to leave, not you. Why should you give up the security for your daughter and you? He's the arsehole, not you.

Also, if you put the money in a bank account you will have to share it with him. Keep it in the safe.

Get a good solicitor. Make him leave and change the locks.

Did you tell Women's Aid about the violence? i'm surprised they only suggested counselling.

You need to get your paperwork back from this solicitor (who knows your husband) asap.
my current one wouldn’t have contact with him though he says he’s an awful man but that he will probably go to extreme lengths to get everything he can- he says it’s because of this that he advised me not to divorce him.
This is seriously bad advice. Get a new solicitor.

Not sure where you live, but if your house was sold, could you buy a smaller suitable home for you and your dd for 50% of the money? (Hopefully you would get more but be conservative at the moment) women's aid or similar charities may be able to help, but you will get uc if you left which would pay at first for rent. Does your dd get pip if so do you claim carers - all this will help your overall settlement. Get all your paperwork in order and ideally elsewhere safe, then you need to either have a strong case of dv in which case the police could enforce him leaving but more likely you will need to go to the council to get housing. It's really hard, but you deserve to be free of him - the courts will then sort out the divorce settlement and and spousal maintenance for your dependent dd (though most likely dealt with by giving you a larger share of assets.) if you can get a few months living expenses even better, or can you go to one of your other dc's?

Best wishes, let us know what happens I'll be thinking about you...

hi op.sounds like an awful situation.another one here to big a huge comforting and supporting hug.you can do this.you sound so storng and ready.you can you can you can do this.
do not stay.anyone that trys to make you feel you have to are not to be listened to.
does your dd get any support.i was just thinking if she has any outside support they might be able to push things forward quickly if they new she had been hurt or your both in danger/trouble.or at least give support in getting you both safe.
what about your dcs.i think if my mu mwanted out i would be there like a shot.or at least talk it through it try my best to be there.and being adults now they are at the age to be just as much support as anyone and that strength that comes from family sticking together might be just the thing you need.thats not for certain i know.but it als might hekp you daughter demons if she nw you were leaving him after her having to take herself away from it all.
your so brave.along the way there may be wobbles.but coming out the other side?to freedom think how good that will feel
you are able for this.you are a wonderful mum who has be through horrible horrible times.now is your time.and your dd for freedom.for a lighteness and how about for happiness.xx

www.ncdv.org.uk

Contact these people.

I have heard they can be very helpful in removing nasty bastards like your husband from the marital home.

They can help you formulate and implement a plan to extricate you and dd from him.

So sorry you're dealing with all this. You CAN do it and you will be so glad you did.

Why do you think your dd would be "taken" she's done nothing wrong?

Sorry you also had a disappointing response from women's aid.

If you are married & wish to divorce, I believe the starting point is normally 50/50 for all assets like property, pension, savings etc

You have NO reason to delay

Find a new solicitor

You don't need anyone's permission to divorce

Just start the divorce process

Locate a new solicitor

It’s tricky, because I’m getting conflicting advice (in real life- everyone here has been great). I spoke to my sister in law (my brothers wife) who has told me because he hasn’t hit us within the last few years it may be more difficult to prove and pursue but my solicitor had said that’s what I should go for rather than trying to divorce him

@Graphista I worry about my daughter being taken because she’s identified as a vulnerable adult and if it’s found out that she’s living in a home where abuse has gone on then she’ll be moved away by social services

Can your other 2 children help?

Ok I understand

I really hope you get the help you need to get away from him

I've heard that with unreasonable behaviour it can be helpful to think about:

The first time (unreasonable behaviour occurred)
the worst time
and the straw that broke the camels back

First and worst may have been a long time ago but the straw that broke the camels back could be something recent - like his philandering with this woman and aggressive comments when challenged. Put them all together and you've painted a vivid picture of what he's put you through and is still putting you through.

You are making excuses to stay in the same situation

You need to be brave

Can your daughter live in an assisted/supported shared house with other young people. What will happen to her when you are no longer here to help & support her ? You need to look at support for her future

Or your daughter &, yourself live together forever

YOU need to make investigations yourself

STOP assuming what's going to happen

START the divorce

How long are you going to wait to make your changes another year, 5 years, 10 years ?

@tiredmum2019 - your sister in law is wrong.
I spoke to my sister in law (my brothers wife) who has told me because he hasn’t hit us within the last few years it may be more difficult to prove

Please do not speak to her about your marriage again - she is yoru husband's sister & may not have your best interests at heart. Do not discuss your wish to leave, solicitors, police or any other agencies you are going to be engaging with.

The professionals you will be liaising with have seen it all before. They know what to do, THEY are the ones to advise & help manage this. NOT your SiL.

@mussolini9, SIL is her brother's wife, not husband's sister and it's in the bit you quoted.

Do this for your daughter , I could guess that one reason her problems have become worse , is that her father is so nasty to her and doesn't understand her problems . She will still have her problems but hopefully will be able to relax which will help no end .
Please, please , do this and follow everyones advice on how to go about things , Your daughter deserves a better life , And so do you Xx

I was a legal secretary in matrimonial. Its good advice from pp's to copy any payslips & bank statements as abusive partners so often hide money & assets. Does your solicitor friend specialise in matrimonial though is my concern, as saying you'll come off badly is subjective if not. If not, you're better getting a free half hour initial appt & taking payslips, bank statements, mortgage paperwork, proof of assets you own along too . Get those from the start & it helps massively re your final settlement. And put the saved money in a bank account. It's too risky, if you're burgled they'll take the safe and get someone with a blow torch metal cutter to open it.

@OP have a quick google and look up OCCUPATION ORDERS.
It's an option if you want to remain in your home without him, while you figure things out

SIL is her brother's wife, not husband's sister and it's in the bit you quoted.

ooops @bgmama - thanks.

OP - be very careful around anyone you don't 100% trust. You don't need your husband to get wind of your desire to divorce before you have all the advice, paperwork & plans in place.